once upon a time, i put off sleeping every night because the world is too exciting for me to go to bed. then i got a little older and it got tiring to have late nights and i went to bed earlier, excited about the prospects of tomorrows. and i spent so much time tossing and turning because of the adrenaline rush, because i can't wait for tomorrow.

today i put off sleeping because i wake up too late every day. or maybe because in the night there is nobody. nobody to talk to and listen to and nobody to hurt or hurt me. because in the night is the time that i am by myself. and i go to sleep exhausted in the wee hours of the morning wondering what to expect tomorrow. half expecting a bad dream. and i put off waking up because at least the dreams that are bad are not real.

i spend the moments before i fall asleep thinking of yester-years of great fun and innocence. of which i have finally lost and i'm living with the ghost of the past.

today is not all bad but when it starts to get better, i wonder to myself if i even deserve to be happy.

i wonder about you. and i wonder about you. and i wonder about you and you and you.

there's something i'd like to know. and that is. what is so good about me. or am i so bad that it is good? i am bad. worse than i thought i was. i used to think i was good. good in this little thing and that little thing but no. time has revealed the devil and the angel has succumbed.

what's there to like about me? i am short. i am not pretty. i have bad skin. i have bad habits. i like to fart loudly and smell my own fart. i like to burp. i cannot control how my leg shakes when i enjoy my food. i cannot control how i must laugh and talk loudly. i cannot control how i cannot act like a girl. and i cannot control my feelings. what is there to like about me?

reasons. none. affections are plenty. and i still cannot understand myself. how can you or you or you or you or you understand me? how can i understand you or you or you or you or you if i can't even understand abit of myself?

i'm no longer self-assured. i hide behind a facade of pain and fear. of tomorrows that may or may not come. of people who may or may not stay. of you and you and you and you and you.

tell me. what am i to you. what am i to you. what am i to you and you and you. and why. why am i that. there is nothing about me that you or you or you or you should like. because i'm beginning to find a flawed person. a person with many flaws. in me.

there is nothing to be sorry about but

i am sorry

i'm back and the first thing that greeted me was rain. rain is always good. comforts me in sadness and lightens my heart most of the time. and when the going gets tough, at the very least there's rain to keep me company...

i miss the cold in japan. summertime is still cold for me. maybe i'm easily cold. maybe the cold can intrude and freeze my heart. sometimes cold is good.

i wonder if you wonder about me. and i wonder where you've gone. why do you always come and go and come and go. what am i to you? where have you gone now? maybe i always try not to think about you too much but you're always somehow at the back of my mind. sometimes i wish i knew what i could do or could have done better. or maybe it's better that i never appeared in your life.

so many people come and go in our lives. how can we manage everything and everyone. how can we make everyone happy. how can everyone be happy and we ourselves can be happy as well. impossible i think.

this whole holiday feels so long. it seems so long ago that i last stayed in hall, that i last studied...maybe because so many things have happened...things change so quickly...people change. have i changed? it's so scary. and up till today i can't say i even understand myself fully. it's confusing. i always thought i was in control of myself but time has proven otherwise. time has also proven that maybe i don't understand abit at all about myself.

i can't seem to grasp my feelings properly. can't seem to stand on firm ground. can't seem to find the wings to fly. and as time passes by, i understand less and less of myself...

i wish i can keep every single person in my life close to me. i wish i can keep every single person i love close to me. but....

what if tomorrow never comes? what would you have done differently?