oddly, i feel like studying more. i feel like interacting more with people whom i never used to feel like even looking at. people who come and go in my life. those strangers, acquaintances. they seem to be the missing part of my life now. or perhaps these are the easier people to talk to. they come. they go. and it is okay if you do something bad, say something wrong. because they come and they go.

attachments and sentiments seem so faraway. so idealistic. why send the walls around you crashing down and find yourself so vulnerably defenseless only to realise that you gotta build them all around you again. why send them crashing down so effortlessly, only to slog day and night, bleed and sweat to build them higher and higher each time.

suddenly getting to know more people who come and go sounds good to me. come and go. come and go. when you start to really care about something or someone, you begin to realise that caring only means pain. that no matter how happy days can be, pain is inevitable.

pain is inevitable in love, it is even the equivalent of love. if you want to fall in love, take the pain. if you can't take the pain, don't even let yourself fall. because nobody is going to be there to break your fall.

just wondering...i don't know, i don't care...

还来不及仔仔细细写下你的关于
描述我如何爱你　
你却微笑的离我而去

这感觉　已经不对　
我努力在挽回
一些些应该体贴的感觉我没给
你嘟嘴许的愿望很卑微在妥协
是我忽略　你不过要人陪

这感觉已经不对　
我最后才了解
一页页不忍翻阅的情节你好累
你默背为我掉过几次泪多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪你的美我不配

"I learned that getting mad was easier than being sad. Anger was something I could control. I could settle into an easy rhythm of blame and hate. Focus energy on something other than the ache in my heart."

you know, i never can really feel at ease anymore. not since i can't remember when. i fall asleep easily when there is someone lying by my side. someone. anyone. i feel a need to constantly be around people if not i know i will have the painful urge to cry. and when i sleep alone, i realise that i'd rather be awake doing nothing even though my mind and body are tired beyond words.

it's this time of the day that i feel truly alive because all the emotions are raw yet to feel alive means to feel pain. pain beyond any physical pain. tonight i realise that a dull ache that lives in your heart manifests and hurts badly. worse than any physical wounds can hurt.

i feel like just walking away from this life.

"We are just friends. Several times now, I have fallen asleep intertwined with you. Cheek to cheek, even lip to lip--just feeling your breath on my skin. We go no further. Today we went for a walk after a summer pour, and I could feel the warm steam rising from the streets. Now tonight, I sleep alone. It's probably healthy because when I'm tangled up with you I can hardly sleep at all. I spend the whole night on fire, quietly smoldering most of the time. Except when you pull me closer and rub your soft scruffle up and down my neck and chest. Or when you grab me by the hip bone and sink your thumbs into my flesh, sending electric chills up and down my body.Or when you pull me into you, sliding your fingers down my spine until they press the small of my back (chills, again). Or when your lips find the back of my neck and you mumble about how good I smell. Those are the times that the smoldering gives way to a blazing flare and all I can do is hope for a nap the next day.

But not tonight. You're there and I'm here. I could never tell you this, but every night your body isn't pressed against mine, I have to pack pillows around myself just to fall asleep. But we are just friends, and I'm sure you sleep fine without me." - A

we were so sure of what we were gonna be and how it's all gonna turn out when we stood at the beginning. now it seems like the beginning was so far away and the end is nowhere and right now we are just standing somewhere in between, not knowing what we are gonna be and how it's all gonna turn out, all over again.

school's starting in a few hour's time and i'm settled into my humble abode in hall 4. i got my dream- a single room. it is so cosy here. so homely. =D got super nice decor. nice bedsheets. nice lighting. new mahjong table. mahjong set. and a 21-inch tv which unfortunately i've yet to get an antenna to tune it so i can't watch it yet...

my new school year resolution is to push my gpa up to 4. hope hope hopes.

dream dreams dreaming. hope hopes hoping. nightmares invading.

sometimes being alone brings out alot of emotions.

goodnight.

i'm mourning for a dead cat that i did not even have the chance to meet with..=(

i hope and pray my own cats won't do the same thing pico did....jump off the balcony ledge..=(

looking at pictures of little pico makes me ultra sad.

but it did have a pretty eventful and happy life of which my mum saved him from the drain and he got a wonderful home at my neighbour's. short but happy life, i hope.

will someone provide all the answers, or just take me away....

take me by force and make me do whatever it is to forgive...

to forgive myself and to forget. forget all the pain inside and the pain inflicted in those hearts and start somewhere all over again. to indulge without feeling guilty. to truly understand what is happiness without having to feel guilt or longing of something else.

i really don't know how.

worse than a heartbreak, at least not every fault is mine. worse than losing someone, at least you know you can't have them back. worse because there are choices. one too many choices. that no matter what i choose i can't seem to keep to them. that no matter what i always come back to square one unable to fathom my next move.

where are the guardian angels that were promised with life?

i feel as if i'm behind the wheel of a four wheel drive but there is no steering wheel. no gear box. no breaks. and there is an impending doom of a never-ending plunge down the steepest cliff.