there are a million and one things we haven't done in life so why stop now? there's hope in everything that we wish to do but when we stop hoping we stop living. there's so much happiness to embrace but we often embrace the songs of melancholy and forget to sing the happy songs.
whatever it is, i think i still want to be happy in life.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
when you have too much, you will also lose too much. when you have nothing at all, you have nothing to lose. better to have nothing at all then ain't it?
heart's been heavy all day. and there's a nagging anger i feel simmering inside of me. i honestly have no idea at all what the anger is about. i feel angry at everything. till there seems to be no logical explanation. the feeling is like a flash of red that i find myself breathing hard to control lest i lash out at something or someone. almost physically violent.
i know it isn't healthy. guess nothing really helps anymore.
i saw that flash of red during the match against young flamingoes and it's really scary. i didn't even know what made me lose my cool and so violently fling the stick away from the goal. i was angry that they scored first when they played so badly. i was angry that we all marked our players but they still scored. i was angry that they had no angle to shoot and our goalie was already at her post and they still scored. and i was angry that they are going to have another chance to score then and i lost my cool.
i think i need tranquilizers or something. i feel a steam rising from within and these bouts of downs and anger seem harder and harder to control.
today i fell in love with a puppy and how i wish she was going to become mine. but i realised today how i am not in control of my life. how i can't have what i really wish to have. how circumstances have made me live a life that could have been far better. and it scares me how this situation will always remain this way. it might never change. i will never have what i really wish for or want.
how scary is that.
and i still feel the bouts of anger rushing about inside of me.
heart's been heavy all day. and there's a nagging anger i feel simmering inside of me. i honestly have no idea at all what the anger is about. i feel angry at everything. till there seems to be no logical explanation. the feeling is like a flash of red that i find myself breathing hard to control lest i lash out at something or someone. almost physically violent.
i know it isn't healthy. guess nothing really helps anymore.
i saw that flash of red during the match against young flamingoes and it's really scary. i didn't even know what made me lose my cool and so violently fling the stick away from the goal. i was angry that they scored first when they played so badly. i was angry that we all marked our players but they still scored. i was angry that they had no angle to shoot and our goalie was already at her post and they still scored. and i was angry that they are going to have another chance to score then and i lost my cool.
i think i need tranquilizers or something. i feel a steam rising from within and these bouts of downs and anger seem harder and harder to control.
today i fell in love with a puppy and how i wish she was going to become mine. but i realised today how i am not in control of my life. how i can't have what i really wish to have. how circumstances have made me live a life that could have been far better. and it scares me how this situation will always remain this way. it might never change. i will never have what i really wish for or want.
how scary is that.
and i still feel the bouts of anger rushing about inside of me.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
i had an inkling of how it feels like to truly be lonely today. and maybe it's not that bad to be alone. there was a kind of sensation that rose out from beneath, from the heart i guess. am i a poet or just a builder of castles in the air? because i feel deeply the emotions of things that hadn't happened before or just haven't happened yet, as long as i think about it.
it's like i want a kind of release. from what i don't really know. from pain perhaps but what is pain but happiness filled with guilt. from happiness perhaps. released of happiness to be released of pain.
the pain of a heartbreak may ache so badly it feels like a heart being pierced by a dagger. but the pain that i feel is dull, it moves about and it travels. it's kind of like poking a very small syringe through, you can barely feel it but the entry is painful. then it begins to tingle and numbs and you feel as though water is going through you bloodstream. just as it begins to feel cooling and good, you begin to come out of the numbness and feel that ache shooting through you. you begin to dread the exit of the needle, wishing that it will stay where it is, inside you. so that the pain will not shoot through you again. seeking comfort in that momentary numbness or stillness of pain. but whatever comes will go somehow. and the needle exits you and the pain and nausea you feel cannot be described.
i feel a little sad tonight. so what? i feel the adrenaline rush after a game of netball. so what? i feel like letting the tears go after watching a particularly moving episode on dvd. so what? i feel all these things but what i can't feel is the way love is supposed to feel like, anymore.
so what?
people live, but people die.
it's like i want a kind of release. from what i don't really know. from pain perhaps but what is pain but happiness filled with guilt. from happiness perhaps. released of happiness to be released of pain.
the pain of a heartbreak may ache so badly it feels like a heart being pierced by a dagger. but the pain that i feel is dull, it moves about and it travels. it's kind of like poking a very small syringe through, you can barely feel it but the entry is painful. then it begins to tingle and numbs and you feel as though water is going through you bloodstream. just as it begins to feel cooling and good, you begin to come out of the numbness and feel that ache shooting through you. you begin to dread the exit of the needle, wishing that it will stay where it is, inside you. so that the pain will not shoot through you again. seeking comfort in that momentary numbness or stillness of pain. but whatever comes will go somehow. and the needle exits you and the pain and nausea you feel cannot be described.
i feel a little sad tonight. so what? i feel the adrenaline rush after a game of netball. so what? i feel like letting the tears go after watching a particularly moving episode on dvd. so what? i feel all these things but what i can't feel is the way love is supposed to feel like, anymore.
so what?
people live, but people die.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
have you ever wondered which hurts the most? saying something & wishing you hadn't? or saying nothing & wishing you had? i guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. if you do, they might break your heart.. if you don't you might break theirs. have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? your heard decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. you can't tell your heart what to do. it does it on its own when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to. have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much.. for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? we tell lies when we are afraid..afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. but every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger. life is all about the risks & it requires you to jump. don't be a person who has to look back & wonder what they would have done, or could have had. what would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say goodbye? what would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there? what would you do if your best friend died tomorrow & you never got to tell her how you felt? what would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them? what would you do if you never got the chance to say 'i am friends with all of my family and they know i love them?' people live, but people die.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
oddly, i feel like studying more. i feel like interacting more with people whom i never used to feel like even looking at. people who come and go in my life. those strangers, acquaintances. they seem to be the missing part of my life now. or perhaps these are the easier people to talk to. they come. they go. and it is okay if you do something bad, say something wrong. because they come and they go.
attachments and sentiments seem so faraway. so idealistic. why send the walls around you crashing down and find yourself so vulnerably defenseless only to realise that you gotta build them all around you again. why send them crashing down so effortlessly, only to slog day and night, bleed and sweat to build them higher and higher each time.
suddenly getting to know more people who come and go sounds good to me. come and go. come and go. when you start to really care about something or someone, you begin to realise that caring only means pain. that no matter how happy days can be, pain is inevitable.
pain is inevitable in love, it is even the equivalent of love. if you want to fall in love, take the pain. if you can't take the pain, don't even let yourself fall. because nobody is going to be there to break your fall.
attachments and sentiments seem so faraway. so idealistic. why send the walls around you crashing down and find yourself so vulnerably defenseless only to realise that you gotta build them all around you again. why send them crashing down so effortlessly, only to slog day and night, bleed and sweat to build them higher and higher each time.
suddenly getting to know more people who come and go sounds good to me. come and go. come and go. when you start to really care about something or someone, you begin to realise that caring only means pain. that no matter how happy days can be, pain is inevitable.
pain is inevitable in love, it is even the equivalent of love. if you want to fall in love, take the pain. if you can't take the pain, don't even let yourself fall. because nobody is going to be there to break your fall.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
还来不及仔仔细细写下你的关于
描述我如何爱你
你却微笑的离我而去
这感觉 已经不对
我努力在挽回
一些些应该体贴的感觉我没给
你嘟嘴许的愿望很卑微在妥协
是我忽略 你不过要人陪
这感觉已经不对
我最后才了解
一页页不忍翻阅的情节你好累
你默背为我掉过几次泪多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪你的美我不配
描述我如何爱你
你却微笑的离我而去
这感觉 已经不对
我努力在挽回
一些些应该体贴的感觉我没给
你嘟嘴许的愿望很卑微在妥协
是我忽略 你不过要人陪
这感觉已经不对
我最后才了解
一页页不忍翻阅的情节你好累
你默背为我掉过几次泪多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪你的美我不配
you know, i never can really feel at ease anymore. not since i can't remember when. i fall asleep easily when there is someone lying by my side. someone. anyone. i feel a need to constantly be around people if not i know i will have the painful urge to cry. and when i sleep alone, i realise that i'd rather be awake doing nothing even though my mind and body are tired beyond words.
it's this time of the day that i feel truly alive because all the emotions are raw yet to feel alive means to feel pain. pain beyond any physical pain. tonight i realise that a dull ache that lives in your heart manifests and hurts badly. worse than any physical wounds can hurt.
i feel like just walking away from this life.
it's this time of the day that i feel truly alive because all the emotions are raw yet to feel alive means to feel pain. pain beyond any physical pain. tonight i realise that a dull ache that lives in your heart manifests and hurts badly. worse than any physical wounds can hurt.
i feel like just walking away from this life.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
"We are just friends. Several times now, I have fallen asleep intertwined with you. Cheek to cheek, even lip to lip--just feeling your breath on my skin. We go no further. Today we went for a walk after a summer pour, and I could feel the warm steam rising from the streets. Now tonight, I sleep alone. It's probably healthy because when I'm tangled up with you I can hardly sleep at all. I spend the whole night on fire, quietly smoldering most of the time. Except when you pull me closer and rub your soft scruffle up and down my neck and chest. Or when you grab me by the hip bone and sink your thumbs into my flesh, sending electric chills up and down my body.Or when you pull me into you, sliding your fingers down my spine until they press the small of my back (chills, again). Or when your lips find the back of my neck and you mumble about how good I smell. Those are the times that the smoldering gives way to a blazing flare and all I can do is hope for a nap the next day.
But not tonight. You're there and I'm here. I could never tell you this, but every night your body isn't pressed against mine, I have to pack pillows around myself just to fall asleep. But we are just friends, and I'm sure you sleep fine without me." - A
But not tonight. You're there and I'm here. I could never tell you this, but every night your body isn't pressed against mine, I have to pack pillows around myself just to fall asleep. But we are just friends, and I'm sure you sleep fine without me." - A
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
we were so sure of what we were gonna be and how it's all gonna turn out when we stood at the beginning. now it seems like the beginning was so far away and the end is nowhere and right now we are just standing somewhere in between, not knowing what we are gonna be and how it's all gonna turn out, all over again.
school's starting in a few hour's time and i'm settled into my humble abode in hall 4. i got my dream- a single room. it is so cosy here. so homely. =D got super nice decor. nice bedsheets. nice lighting. new mahjong table. mahjong set. and a 21-inch tv which unfortunately i've yet to get an antenna to tune it so i can't watch it yet...
my new school year resolution is to push my gpa up to 4. hope hope hopes.
dream dreams dreaming. hope hopes hoping. nightmares invading.
sometimes being alone brings out alot of emotions.
goodnight.
school's starting in a few hour's time and i'm settled into my humble abode in hall 4. i got my dream- a single room. it is so cosy here. so homely. =D got super nice decor. nice bedsheets. nice lighting. new mahjong table. mahjong set. and a 21-inch tv which unfortunately i've yet to get an antenna to tune it so i can't watch it yet...
my new school year resolution is to push my gpa up to 4. hope hope hopes.
dream dreams dreaming. hope hopes hoping. nightmares invading.
sometimes being alone brings out alot of emotions.
goodnight.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
i'm mourning for a dead cat that i did not even have the chance to meet with..=(
i hope and pray my own cats won't do the same thing pico did....jump off the balcony ledge..=(
looking at pictures of little pico makes me ultra sad.
but it did have a pretty eventful and happy life of which my mum saved him from the drain and he got a wonderful home at my neighbour's. short but happy life, i hope.
i hope and pray my own cats won't do the same thing pico did....jump off the balcony ledge..=(
looking at pictures of little pico makes me ultra sad.
but it did have a pretty eventful and happy life of which my mum saved him from the drain and he got a wonderful home at my neighbour's. short but happy life, i hope.
Monday, August 3, 2009
will someone provide all the answers, or just take me away....
take me by force and make me do whatever it is to forgive...
to forgive myself and to forget. forget all the pain inside and the pain inflicted in those hearts and start somewhere all over again. to indulge without feeling guilty. to truly understand what is happiness without having to feel guilt or longing of something else.
i really don't know how.
worse than a heartbreak, at least not every fault is mine. worse than losing someone, at least you know you can't have them back. worse because there are choices. one too many choices. that no matter what i choose i can't seem to keep to them. that no matter what i always come back to square one unable to fathom my next move.
where are the guardian angels that were promised with life?
i feel as if i'm behind the wheel of a four wheel drive but there is no steering wheel. no gear box. no breaks. and there is an impending doom of a never-ending plunge down the steepest cliff.
to forgive myself and to forget. forget all the pain inside and the pain inflicted in those hearts and start somewhere all over again. to indulge without feeling guilty. to truly understand what is happiness without having to feel guilt or longing of something else.
i really don't know how.
worse than a heartbreak, at least not every fault is mine. worse than losing someone, at least you know you can't have them back. worse because there are choices. one too many choices. that no matter what i choose i can't seem to keep to them. that no matter what i always come back to square one unable to fathom my next move.
where are the guardian angels that were promised with life?
i feel as if i'm behind the wheel of a four wheel drive but there is no steering wheel. no gear box. no breaks. and there is an impending doom of a never-ending plunge down the steepest cliff.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
once upon a time, i put off sleeping every night because the world is too exciting for me to go to bed. then i got a little older and it got tiring to have late nights and i went to bed earlier, excited about the prospects of tomorrows. and i spent so much time tossing and turning because of the adrenaline rush, because i can't wait for tomorrow.
today i put off sleeping because i wake up too late every day. or maybe because in the night there is nobody. nobody to talk to and listen to and nobody to hurt or hurt me. because in the night is the time that i am by myself. and i go to sleep exhausted in the wee hours of the morning wondering what to expect tomorrow. half expecting a bad dream. and i put off waking up because at least the dreams that are bad are not real.
i spend the moments before i fall asleep thinking of yester-years of great fun and innocence. of which i have finally lost and i'm living with the ghost of the past.
today is not all bad but when it starts to get better, i wonder to myself if i even deserve to be happy.
today i put off sleeping because i wake up too late every day. or maybe because in the night there is nobody. nobody to talk to and listen to and nobody to hurt or hurt me. because in the night is the time that i am by myself. and i go to sleep exhausted in the wee hours of the morning wondering what to expect tomorrow. half expecting a bad dream. and i put off waking up because at least the dreams that are bad are not real.
i spend the moments before i fall asleep thinking of yester-years of great fun and innocence. of which i have finally lost and i'm living with the ghost of the past.
today is not all bad but when it starts to get better, i wonder to myself if i even deserve to be happy.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
i wonder about you. and i wonder about you. and i wonder about you and you and you.
there's something i'd like to know. and that is. what is so good about me. or am i so bad that it is good? i am bad. worse than i thought i was. i used to think i was good. good in this little thing and that little thing but no. time has revealed the devil and the angel has succumbed.
what's there to like about me? i am short. i am not pretty. i have bad skin. i have bad habits. i like to fart loudly and smell my own fart. i like to burp. i cannot control how my leg shakes when i enjoy my food. i cannot control how i must laugh and talk loudly. i cannot control how i cannot act like a girl. and i cannot control my feelings. what is there to like about me?
reasons. none. affections are plenty. and i still cannot understand myself. how can you or you or you or you or you understand me? how can i understand you or you or you or you or you if i can't even understand abit of myself?
i'm no longer self-assured. i hide behind a facade of pain and fear. of tomorrows that may or may not come. of people who may or may not stay. of you and you and you and you and you.
tell me. what am i to you. what am i to you. what am i to you and you and you. and why. why am i that. there is nothing about me that you or you or you or you should like. because i'm beginning to find a flawed person. a person with many flaws. in me.
there is nothing to be sorry about but
i am sorry
there's something i'd like to know. and that is. what is so good about me. or am i so bad that it is good? i am bad. worse than i thought i was. i used to think i was good. good in this little thing and that little thing but no. time has revealed the devil and the angel has succumbed.
what's there to like about me? i am short. i am not pretty. i have bad skin. i have bad habits. i like to fart loudly and smell my own fart. i like to burp. i cannot control how my leg shakes when i enjoy my food. i cannot control how i must laugh and talk loudly. i cannot control how i cannot act like a girl. and i cannot control my feelings. what is there to like about me?
reasons. none. affections are plenty. and i still cannot understand myself. how can you or you or you or you or you understand me? how can i understand you or you or you or you or you if i can't even understand abit of myself?
i'm no longer self-assured. i hide behind a facade of pain and fear. of tomorrows that may or may not come. of people who may or may not stay. of you and you and you and you and you.
tell me. what am i to you. what am i to you. what am i to you and you and you. and why. why am i that. there is nothing about me that you or you or you or you should like. because i'm beginning to find a flawed person. a person with many flaws. in me.
there is nothing to be sorry about but
i am sorry
Monday, July 13, 2009
i'm back and the first thing that greeted me was rain. rain is always good. comforts me in sadness and lightens my heart most of the time. and when the going gets tough, at the very least there's rain to keep me company...
i miss the cold in japan. summertime is still cold for me. maybe i'm easily cold. maybe the cold can intrude and freeze my heart. sometimes cold is good.
i wonder if you wonder about me. and i wonder where you've gone. why do you always come and go and come and go. what am i to you? where have you gone now? maybe i always try not to think about you too much but you're always somehow at the back of my mind. sometimes i wish i knew what i could do or could have done better. or maybe it's better that i never appeared in your life.
so many people come and go in our lives. how can we manage everything and everyone. how can we make everyone happy. how can everyone be happy and we ourselves can be happy as well. impossible i think.
this whole holiday feels so long. it seems so long ago that i last stayed in hall, that i last studied...maybe because so many things have happened...things change so quickly...people change. have i changed? it's so scary. and up till today i can't say i even understand myself fully. it's confusing. i always thought i was in control of myself but time has proven otherwise. time has also proven that maybe i don't understand abit at all about myself.
i can't seem to grasp my feelings properly. can't seem to stand on firm ground. can't seem to find the wings to fly. and as time passes by, i understand less and less of myself...
i wish i can keep every single person in my life close to me. i wish i can keep every single person i love close to me. but....
what if tomorrow never comes? what would you have done differently?
i miss the cold in japan. summertime is still cold for me. maybe i'm easily cold. maybe the cold can intrude and freeze my heart. sometimes cold is good.
i wonder if you wonder about me. and i wonder where you've gone. why do you always come and go and come and go. what am i to you? where have you gone now? maybe i always try not to think about you too much but you're always somehow at the back of my mind. sometimes i wish i knew what i could do or could have done better. or maybe it's better that i never appeared in your life.
so many people come and go in our lives. how can we manage everything and everyone. how can we make everyone happy. how can everyone be happy and we ourselves can be happy as well. impossible i think.
this whole holiday feels so long. it seems so long ago that i last stayed in hall, that i last studied...maybe because so many things have happened...things change so quickly...people change. have i changed? it's so scary. and up till today i can't say i even understand myself fully. it's confusing. i always thought i was in control of myself but time has proven otherwise. time has also proven that maybe i don't understand abit at all about myself.
i can't seem to grasp my feelings properly. can't seem to stand on firm ground. can't seem to find the wings to fly. and as time passes by, i understand less and less of myself...
i wish i can keep every single person in my life close to me. i wish i can keep every single person i love close to me. but....
what if tomorrow never comes? what would you have done differently?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
what we all really need is to be happy. in a carefree way. carefree. care. free. free of cares. if only it was as easy as putting the words down.
we cherish so much of everything that we have no space to store them. where do i begin?
someone told me. don't think. quit thinking or the answers will just RUN away. i can't agree more.
time is like a helpline yet it steals so much away from us.
how can we feel carefree?
we cherish so much of everything that we have no space to store them. where do i begin?
someone told me. don't think. quit thinking or the answers will just RUN away. i can't agree more.
time is like a helpline yet it steals so much away from us.
how can we feel carefree?
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
nobody can have everything. we need to seek contentment. but more often than not, we need to seek a balance. we may think what we have in one person is enough. we have one person, we have the world. but it doesn't work that way. we need support. we need friends. we need other people. nobody is the world. and we need to grow out of the phase.
it is so easy to love someone but it is so difficult to keep the love pure and safe. the world is so polluted we can't ever come out clean.
i am sorry but sorries don't help. i am touched but that doesn't mean anything. i miss the past but what good does it do. i am confused and in need of much more than what i have. and i seek your understanding.
it's the pain that keeps me apart but it keeps me going. maybe you're right. pain is what defines life. and when we live in a state of confusion, of not really knowing what we truly want or look forward to. there's no point in it. we need to learn to grow.
i have grown so much. today i realised that i am capable of putting emotions aside and viewing things objectively. pain and hurt are inevitable but they are also choice. we choose how much we want to feel the pain and we choose how much we want a better tomorrow.
space. time. not to decide but to grow. to understand myself better. to give everyone a chance to understand themselves better. so that we can love one another as wholesome adults rather than possessively.
it is so easy to love someone but it is so difficult to keep the love pure and safe. the world is so polluted we can't ever come out clean.
i am sorry but sorries don't help. i am touched but that doesn't mean anything. i miss the past but what good does it do. i am confused and in need of much more than what i have. and i seek your understanding.
it's the pain that keeps me apart but it keeps me going. maybe you're right. pain is what defines life. and when we live in a state of confusion, of not really knowing what we truly want or look forward to. there's no point in it. we need to learn to grow.
i have grown so much. today i realised that i am capable of putting emotions aside and viewing things objectively. pain and hurt are inevitable but they are also choice. we choose how much we want to feel the pain and we choose how much we want a better tomorrow.
space. time. not to decide but to grow. to understand myself better. to give everyone a chance to understand themselves better. so that we can love one another as wholesome adults rather than possessively.
Friday, May 29, 2009
I miss you. How have you been? Does he make you happy? Does he call you baby? Sleep soon or you'd be late for school. How are things at home? Do you even remember who I am? Have you really forgotten everything? Does our past haunt you? Do you stay up thinking what might have been and should have been? Why is it so easy for you? Is he really so much better than me? Do you remember those letters you wrote for me? Remember those ice cream sticks that you gave me? I read all of them just now. You wrote on each and every stick the reason why you loved me. So sweet right? But I didn't appreciate it then. I'm sorry, I know I should not be looking at them but I couldn't help it. At least, I did not text you or talk to you on MSN. Do you know how hard it is to stop myself from texting you and calling you? I hope I never drunk-dial you. Since you have him, I should find another too right? But it's not that easy for me. Because my mind only thinks of you and my heart... can't forget you. Do you know of the pain I go through everyday? Do you know how zombie-like I've become? How I just don't feel like talking to anyone? Don't you miss us? Probably not. I was such a pain in the ass. I feel so stupid. I know putting all this down is just going to push you further into his arms. Have you ever felt so helpless that you'd do anything to make things right? But then again, what I think is right, may be wrong to you. Have you ever felt like it was so hard to breathe? Does he sleep on my side of your bed? Does he switch off the lights for you? Does he help you with the pimple cream? Does he cuddle you to sleep? Does he hold your hand, hold you as tightly as I did on that night? Do you call him every night before you sleep? It really kills me to think of you with him. I don't think you know that. I don't think you know how much I loved you. How much I changed after everything bad that happened. How much I learnt to loved you. How much I learnt to treasure you. I really felt like I could love you forever.
from a friend's blog...and it opened a door that i tried to keep shut all these while...i can't find the words to say to you but i don't know....maybe someday we can still hang out together..
from a friend's blog...and it opened a door that i tried to keep shut all these while...i can't find the words to say to you but i don't know....maybe someday we can still hang out together..
Monday, May 25, 2009
i don't get it. when you're probably one of the main causes of a bad history for somebody and yet you can hang around and ask someone to not let history repeat itself and write their own history. it's precisely buggers like you who bring people with such gentle minds down upon themselves. you indulge in your selfish desires, be it a materialistic one or a really superficial kind of enjoyment that only people like you can follow through with without it bugging your consciences. you know, karma really exists?
there's nothing i can say nothing i can do nothing to make you feel any better. i know. i have broken the biggest and warmest heart that has pledged itself to beat for me, day and night. reason being? i was tired of repetition. repetition of faults and pain and hurt and the same old nightmares haunting me even when i shut my eyes for forty winks. nightmares. sounds puny and silly to you doesn't it? you don't understand. you don't understand what these people have done to me. to us. to you. the inflicted wounds never fully heal and they are being wounded, again and again. and i cannot i just cannot go through all of it again.
being sorry is an understatement. pain is a permanently subdued devil. it exists. all the time. but it takes the form of an angel. i am happy. yes i am. i am sad. yes i am. i hurt. yes i do. do you know you can actually feel all these emotions at once?
you've been the best. i can't ask for more. circumstances strapped us to a roller coaster ride which i cannot take. i don't have the guts and the stomach for it. i tried. there were side effects. i kept trying. but i keep throwing up. i can't take it anymore.
you were so good. you deserve the best. if you thought i was the best, i am sorry, this is perhaps reason to tell you that maybe i am not. maybe i am not as good as you always thought i was. maybe deep down inside i have never really dared to love you fully because i tried once, twice, thrice before and it has hurt too damn badly.
i miss you. i do. but there are certain things that we can only miss and always miss but they can never come back to us again.
if you think i didn't try hard enough, let me tell you, i tried too hard. if you think i lied to you, let me tell you, i lied to myself too much. if you think that whatever happened was because i was weak, let me tell you, i've never been stronger and i will never let myself stoop to such a weak level to be at the mercy of those demonic friends ever again. i have learnt too harshly a lesson and the price has been paid. i am sorry.
you once said that they are lousy friends. i wonder if you'd be strong enough to kick your lousy friends away and be true to yourself. know who your true friends are. know how much others care for you.
and i will always care for you the way i always did. if you can only turn around and look past the commitment that bound us. we shared so much. we know each other so well, do you really want to watch it all go down the drain?
take care, i will always be here.
there's nothing i can say nothing i can do nothing to make you feel any better. i know. i have broken the biggest and warmest heart that has pledged itself to beat for me, day and night. reason being? i was tired of repetition. repetition of faults and pain and hurt and the same old nightmares haunting me even when i shut my eyes for forty winks. nightmares. sounds puny and silly to you doesn't it? you don't understand. you don't understand what these people have done to me. to us. to you. the inflicted wounds never fully heal and they are being wounded, again and again. and i cannot i just cannot go through all of it again.
being sorry is an understatement. pain is a permanently subdued devil. it exists. all the time. but it takes the form of an angel. i am happy. yes i am. i am sad. yes i am. i hurt. yes i do. do you know you can actually feel all these emotions at once?
you've been the best. i can't ask for more. circumstances strapped us to a roller coaster ride which i cannot take. i don't have the guts and the stomach for it. i tried. there were side effects. i kept trying. but i keep throwing up. i can't take it anymore.
you were so good. you deserve the best. if you thought i was the best, i am sorry, this is perhaps reason to tell you that maybe i am not. maybe i am not as good as you always thought i was. maybe deep down inside i have never really dared to love you fully because i tried once, twice, thrice before and it has hurt too damn badly.
i miss you. i do. but there are certain things that we can only miss and always miss but they can never come back to us again.
if you think i didn't try hard enough, let me tell you, i tried too hard. if you think i lied to you, let me tell you, i lied to myself too much. if you think that whatever happened was because i was weak, let me tell you, i've never been stronger and i will never let myself stoop to such a weak level to be at the mercy of those demonic friends ever again. i have learnt too harshly a lesson and the price has been paid. i am sorry.
you once said that they are lousy friends. i wonder if you'd be strong enough to kick your lousy friends away and be true to yourself. know who your true friends are. know how much others care for you.
and i will always care for you the way i always did. if you can only turn around and look past the commitment that bound us. we shared so much. we know each other so well, do you really want to watch it all go down the drain?
take care, i will always be here.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
nothing ever stays the same...
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way
nothing ever stays the same...
Saturday, May 23, 2009
you're invited on the journey of my life; which seat would you take?
okay anw, advert time! do visit the following lj, it's my dearest sister's blogshop..it's new and it's really not bad! do give her your support!
http://d-knees.livejournal.com/
=D
okay anw, advert time! do visit the following lj, it's my dearest sister's blogshop..it's new and it's really not bad! do give her your support!
http://d-knees.livejournal.com/
=D
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
making love out of nothing at all
Every time I see you all the rays of the sun
Are streaming through the waves in your hair;
And every star in the sky is taking aim
At your eyes like a spotlight,
The beating of my heart is a drum, and its lost
And its looking for a rhythm like you.
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright.
Ive got to follow it, cause everything I know, well its nothing till I give it to you.
it's like you gotta know so much and yet you don't know so much and in life you gotta gain so much and you have so much more to lose. it's like you know what you want and then you become unsure and then you don't know at all what it was that you were waiting for.
the fluidity of life and love and death and heartbreaks. it's like we flow into one dimension and never quite leave one before we're in another and then we're in the third and fourth and there's still a little bit of your kiss in my ear.
I can make the run or stumble,
I can make the final block;
And I can make every tackle, at the sound of the whistle,
I can make all the stadiums rock.
I can make tonight forever,
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn;
And I can make you every promise that has ever been made,
And I can make all your demons be gone.
speaks volumes of what a single person can do to palpitate your heart yes my heart goes like a drum that has lost its sense of rhythm. i like how the above reflects a sports person's desire and how a girl can make you run or stumble, make the final block, make you make every tackle at the sound of the whistle and making the stadiums rock. when actually in the entire stadium, the only person who notices your run your stumbles your blocks your tackle is her. and the whole stadium rocks because of her. that single soul that smiles right into your heart.
But Im never gonna make it without you,
Do you really want to see me crawl?
And Im never gonna make it like you do,
Making love out of nothing at all.
do you really want to see me crawl?
Are streaming through the waves in your hair;
And every star in the sky is taking aim
At your eyes like a spotlight,
The beating of my heart is a drum, and its lost
And its looking for a rhythm like you.
You can take the darkness from the pit of the night
And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright.
Ive got to follow it, cause everything I know, well its nothing till I give it to you.
it's like you gotta know so much and yet you don't know so much and in life you gotta gain so much and you have so much more to lose. it's like you know what you want and then you become unsure and then you don't know at all what it was that you were waiting for.
the fluidity of life and love and death and heartbreaks. it's like we flow into one dimension and never quite leave one before we're in another and then we're in the third and fourth and there's still a little bit of your kiss in my ear.
I can make the run or stumble,
I can make the final block;
And I can make every tackle, at the sound of the whistle,
I can make all the stadiums rock.
I can make tonight forever,
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn;
And I can make you every promise that has ever been made,
And I can make all your demons be gone.
speaks volumes of what a single person can do to palpitate your heart yes my heart goes like a drum that has lost its sense of rhythm. i like how the above reflects a sports person's desire and how a girl can make you run or stumble, make the final block, make you make every tackle at the sound of the whistle and making the stadiums rock. when actually in the entire stadium, the only person who notices your run your stumbles your blocks your tackle is her. and the whole stadium rocks because of her. that single soul that smiles right into your heart.
But Im never gonna make it without you,
Do you really want to see me crawl?
And Im never gonna make it like you do,
Making love out of nothing at all.
do you really want to see me crawl?
Thursday, April 16, 2009
i am nothing without you
to my dearest sky:
i will always be right here...
and you'll never need to fall(:
xoxo,
starry night
i will always be right here...
and you'll never need to fall(:
xoxo,
starry night
Monday, April 13, 2009
time,
how much time do i have before things begin to fall apart? how much time do i need before i realise what it all means to me? how much time do i want to have?
hanging by a thread, knowing that in a split second, i'll be falling into a bottomless black hole. unable to climb up again. without help. without anyone or anything.
原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
how much time do i have before things begin to fall apart? how much time do i need before i realise what it all means to me? how much time do i want to have?
hanging by a thread, knowing that in a split second, i'll be falling into a bottomless black hole. unable to climb up again. without help. without anyone or anything.
原来最疼痛的表情竟是没有情绪
原来最残忍的画面可以甜言蜜语
原来最孤单的是我还是那么想你
原来最悲哀的是我不能面对自己
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
best thing bout tonight's that we're not fighting
you know, nowadays it's just difficult to find the words to say. maybe it just gets harder and harder, to find the right words, sift out the bad ones and forget the wrong ones. there've been times that i started typing a little here and there on this little space of mine and i stopped, backspaced everything and face the void again.
what's there to say anyway? when words are lost midway into the abyss of thoughts. thoughts that threaten to consume me. eat away at me bit by bit until i'm finished. and by the time i jolt out of that state of consciousness, i no longer know what to say. bit by bit i forget what i wanted to say in the first place. what's the point of saying anything. what's the point anyway?
and here i am with my pocky-flavoured breath, wondering if there's anything to look forward to tomorrow. it's good friday. yeah. tgif. but. what's so good about it anyway? what's so good about it? i have no more pocky left to get me through the night.
i can't wait to get this over and done with. i hate to study for the sake of exams. i hate to read for the sake of knowing them only to regurgitate them. but i kinda enjoy what i am doing because they speak volumes of my mind my heart my soul my consciousness the existence of my being the very reason why i am even borne into this world.
but i hate it because exams are looming.
and i retreat back into my lifeless shell. where nothing. nothing can move me to say anything. where no one. no one can throw any weight onto my shoulders. where there's nothing. nothing at all. a solitude that welcomes me with the widest of open arms.
because i am too afraid of unwelcome solitude.
because i am too afraid to fall or fail.
because i am too afraid to lose sight of the shore and seek greater oceans.
because tonight will be the night
that i will fall for you
over again
don't make me change my mind
or i won't live to see another day
i swear it's true
it's impossible to find.
could it be that we have been this way before...
what's there to say anyway? when words are lost midway into the abyss of thoughts. thoughts that threaten to consume me. eat away at me bit by bit until i'm finished. and by the time i jolt out of that state of consciousness, i no longer know what to say. bit by bit i forget what i wanted to say in the first place. what's the point of saying anything. what's the point anyway?
and here i am with my pocky-flavoured breath, wondering if there's anything to look forward to tomorrow. it's good friday. yeah. tgif. but. what's so good about it anyway? what's so good about it? i have no more pocky left to get me through the night.
i can't wait to get this over and done with. i hate to study for the sake of exams. i hate to read for the sake of knowing them only to regurgitate them. but i kinda enjoy what i am doing because they speak volumes of my mind my heart my soul my consciousness the existence of my being the very reason why i am even borne into this world.
but i hate it because exams are looming.
and i retreat back into my lifeless shell. where nothing. nothing can move me to say anything. where no one. no one can throw any weight onto my shoulders. where there's nothing. nothing at all. a solitude that welcomes me with the widest of open arms.
because i am too afraid of unwelcome solitude.
because i am too afraid to fall or fail.
because i am too afraid to lose sight of the shore and seek greater oceans.
because tonight will be the night
that i will fall for you
over again
don't make me change my mind
or i won't live to see another day
i swear it's true
it's impossible to find.
could it be that we have been this way before...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
the last day of my life
I just left Bobby's house:
The service was today.
Got me thinkin' about how fragile life is,
As I drove away.
You know Amy was his only love,
In a moment she was gone, long gone:
It could have been me or you.
Oh, baby, there's no time to lose.
So I'm gonna bring home a dozen roses,
An' pour us a glass of wine.
An' I'm gonna put on a little music,
An' turn down the lights.
An' I'm gonna wrap my arms around you,
An' rock you all through the night,
An' I'm gonna love you,
Like it's the last day of my life.
I drive off when the sun comes up:
I get back when it's gone down.
There's so much I wanna do with you,
But I can't be around.
Whoa, time has been just like a thief,
It's stolen too much from us,
So once it's gone we can't make it up.
So tonight, let's get back in touch.
Life is a rainbow, it's a spring snow,
It's the mornin' dew.
An' I don't wanna waste another minute,
Without you.
The service was today.
Got me thinkin' about how fragile life is,
As I drove away.
You know Amy was his only love,
In a moment she was gone, long gone:
It could have been me or you.
Oh, baby, there's no time to lose.
So I'm gonna bring home a dozen roses,
An' pour us a glass of wine.
An' I'm gonna put on a little music,
An' turn down the lights.
An' I'm gonna wrap my arms around you,
An' rock you all through the night,
An' I'm gonna love you,
Like it's the last day of my life.
I drive off when the sun comes up:
I get back when it's gone down.
There's so much I wanna do with you,
But I can't be around.
Whoa, time has been just like a thief,
It's stolen too much from us,
So once it's gone we can't make it up.
So tonight, let's get back in touch.
Life is a rainbow, it's a spring snow,
It's the mornin' dew.
An' I don't wanna waste another minute,
Without you.
behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free
No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies
No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
games will play themselves out
i think blogging happens in various states of minds. we weave through our streams of consciousness and find the words that we are losing or have lost. it's like how when you read a certain emotional entry which surfaces to be quite dramatic and the writer seems to be deeply fallen into some emotional turmoil, stop and think again. it is just a stream of consciousness. an unconscious stream of feelings that everyone have deep down inside but nobody really knows it because it seldom surfaces. when parts of a passage strike you and evoke some feelings in you, you'll realise that deep within yourself, there lies a consciousness of deeper thoughts and emotions that you have never quite thought about or felt but they've always existed within you.
there have been instances that my mind rolls back and forth back and forth and fuses into a state of confusion where the line is so blur that i can't even tell that it's a line anymore. i take my pain and retreat into it, seeking comfort in feeling the vast emotions that surge through me like an electric current. high voltage but not strong enough to kill me. but parts of me begin to die away. and die away again another day.
reality gnaws at me like a worm that eats its way out of the core of an apple. but for me it's eating its way inside. tearing me up like worthless rags. a heart made up of paper cuts.
how much it hurts to see the tears that glisten in your eyes and they unknowingly fall into my lap only for me to realise that my eyes are overflowing too.
how much it pains me to see the unfamiliar eyes fill with a certain amount of fear. i feel your trembles and i feel it in my heart.
i know, but i can't stop it.
games will play themselves out...
when will it be,
game over?
there have been instances that my mind rolls back and forth back and forth and fuses into a state of confusion where the line is so blur that i can't even tell that it's a line anymore. i take my pain and retreat into it, seeking comfort in feeling the vast emotions that surge through me like an electric current. high voltage but not strong enough to kill me. but parts of me begin to die away. and die away again another day.
reality gnaws at me like a worm that eats its way out of the core of an apple. but for me it's eating its way inside. tearing me up like worthless rags. a heart made up of paper cuts.
how much it hurts to see the tears that glisten in your eyes and they unknowingly fall into my lap only for me to realise that my eyes are overflowing too.
how much it pains me to see the unfamiliar eyes fill with a certain amount of fear. i feel your trembles and i feel it in my heart.
i know, but i can't stop it.
games will play themselves out...
when will it be,
game over?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
why did i land myself into this shithole, i seriously can't think of the reasons. or are there too many reasons. too many? even after struggling within myself for the longest time, the truth is hard to handle and the pain is real. suddenly the whole thing seems surreal like i don't know if it's really happening or is this a dream that i'm drifting. what am i doing?
how can one bring herself to hurt someone she cares about so much? it's so ironical this thing called love. what's love about? why do i feel the way i do only to do the things i half regret later? and why why why? why is it that when i'm in a love that's almost perfect i feel guilt-stricken. as though i'm the little imperfection. the tiny black spot that makes everything imperfect.
i think i'm psychologically unsound. hearing voices that are not there. seeing things that should not be seen. wondering about issues too far fetched. and almost always thinking that there's a burden, a rock on my shoulders weighing me down.
i look towards the future that i think i want, but i still can't see a thing. there's a void.
and here i am, still struggling within myself for the answers that i can't seem to find. thinking of a way to end this misery and pain that has struck me more than ever.
how can one bring herself to hurt someone she cares about so much? it's so ironical this thing called love. what's love about? why do i feel the way i do only to do the things i half regret later? and why why why? why is it that when i'm in a love that's almost perfect i feel guilt-stricken. as though i'm the little imperfection. the tiny black spot that makes everything imperfect.
i think i'm psychologically unsound. hearing voices that are not there. seeing things that should not be seen. wondering about issues too far fetched. and almost always thinking that there's a burden, a rock on my shoulders weighing me down.
i look towards the future that i think i want, but i still can't see a thing. there's a void.
and here i am, still struggling within myself for the answers that i can't seem to find. thinking of a way to end this misery and pain that has struck me more than ever.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
the day started out rather late and i thought it'd be a failure trying to do my readings. but guess what, i'm up at this weird hour and i'm finished with my reading! =D thanks to yips jie cos i was waiting for her to finish her fyp report so that she can print it! hahha! yips im not that sweet la, i just wanted to stay up to do my work hahaha! =P
anw days have been going on fine and i think it'll get better. (x i do wish that things will be fine for you with the op about to happen and all. it's so scary but i know it'll all be okay..hugs!
you know it's really sad when a friendship begins to tear apart. bit by bit. bit by bit. it must have been me. i should not have done what i did and maybe things will not come to this but somehow i don't regret anything at all. it seems to me as though all along the person i've known was a facade of what she really is. is this really what you are?
i saw so little and i thought i knew so much. i saw so much in you but i guess all that i saw was a pretty face and i wonder if your heart can at all be filled with anything else but a certain past you were supposed to have left behind but you stayed behind with it.
it is unfathomable the things that come out of your lips and i wish i was deaf for that instant or that i could just press the mute button so that all the things i thought of you wouldn't have faded away in that instant.
you were so much but you are nothing. or maybe you are that much but you choose to be nothing. nothing that i can hope to bring back. nothing that i can wish to salvage. that i'm worth this little of your finger that it doesn't matter whether you have it or not.
and you know what it doesn't matter to me anymore. and even if it does, it will not show anymore. i have given up on you.
thankyouidomissthehappiertimesbutgoodbye
yourenotworthmytimeandeffortanymore.
anw days have been going on fine and i think it'll get better. (x i do wish that things will be fine for you with the op about to happen and all. it's so scary but i know it'll all be okay..hugs!
you know it's really sad when a friendship begins to tear apart. bit by bit. bit by bit. it must have been me. i should not have done what i did and maybe things will not come to this but somehow i don't regret anything at all. it seems to me as though all along the person i've known was a facade of what she really is. is this really what you are?
i saw so little and i thought i knew so much. i saw so much in you but i guess all that i saw was a pretty face and i wonder if your heart can at all be filled with anything else but a certain past you were supposed to have left behind but you stayed behind with it.
it is unfathomable the things that come out of your lips and i wish i was deaf for that instant or that i could just press the mute button so that all the things i thought of you wouldn't have faded away in that instant.
you were so much but you are nothing. or maybe you are that much but you choose to be nothing. nothing that i can hope to bring back. nothing that i can wish to salvage. that i'm worth this little of your finger that it doesn't matter whether you have it or not.
and you know what it doesn't matter to me anymore. and even if it does, it will not show anymore. i have given up on you.
thankyouidomissthehappiertimesbutgoodbye
yourenotworthmytimeandeffortanymore.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
we're like little atoms floating around. some of us move faster than others. some are dormant. there are the few whom we can't catch a good glimpse at because they come and go so quickly. yet we all exist for the purpose of meeting other atoms to form molecules. some molecules are easily shaken apart into atoms again. others are more stable and harder to break apart. yet there are some that form such strong bonds that it is almost impossible to break apart.
are you an atom or are you a part of a molecule?
are you an atom or are you a part of a molecule?
Monday, March 9, 2009
fleeting moments...
time passes by so quickly you know you can't ever catch hold of it. it's so fast that you know it can never be in your hands. i think i've changed alot especially in these past few months. i feel different. i know i'm different. i think i've waved goodbye to who i used to be.
every day's birthday when we know we've lived it up to our best! happy birthday out to my dear vian haha, jun and ain! (x i'm really really glad to have people to share birthdays with, especially a bunch like you girls!
i really enjoyed this year's birthday though it's much simpler. i enjoyed the company. the wishes from sooo many sweet people. i enjoyed the love and warmth..even the presents seem so psychic! i think my 22nd birthday will be rmbed for a very long time (x
it's great, i think i've learned to be a better person. i've learnt to be less selfish and opening my heart to friendships and giving more priorities to friends who matter instead of those whom i don't think i can even call friends.
i guess there's really a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow and i've found mine...i'm so glad. blessed and happy!
thank you everyone who cared enough to wish me, or be around...love you girls/guys a long long time!
every day's birthday when we know we've lived it up to our best! happy birthday out to my dear vian haha, jun and ain! (x i'm really really glad to have people to share birthdays with, especially a bunch like you girls!
i really enjoyed this year's birthday though it's much simpler. i enjoyed the company. the wishes from sooo many sweet people. i enjoyed the love and warmth..even the presents seem so psychic! i think my 22nd birthday will be rmbed for a very long time (x
it's great, i think i've learned to be a better person. i've learnt to be less selfish and opening my heart to friendships and giving more priorities to friends who matter instead of those whom i don't think i can even call friends.
i guess there's really a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow and i've found mine...i'm so glad. blessed and happy!
thank you everyone who cared enough to wish me, or be around...love you girls/guys a long long time!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
what it would have been but will never be. when one decides to cut short his journey by taking his own life, leaving loved ones devastated. there's no room for sympathy as we wonder and wonder what goes through his mind. but somewhere deep inside, a little of him lives in all of us. not sympathy. but empathy. his actions echo a silent scream deep within during our darkest, most helpless days and nights.
god bless.
god bless.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
he wishes for the cloths of heaven
had i the heavens' embroidered cloths,
enwrought with the golden and silver light,
the blue and the dim and the dark cloths
of night and light and half-light,
i would spread the cloths under your feet:
but i, being poor, have only my dreams;
i have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
i shall end my night with a continuation of last night's melancholy...
and as the sun rose into another day, your smile still lingered far out in the horizon, though you're no longer around.
tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
enwrought with the golden and silver light,
the blue and the dim and the dark cloths
of night and light and half-light,
i would spread the cloths under your feet:
but i, being poor, have only my dreams;
i have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
i shall end my night with a continuation of last night's melancholy...
and as the sun rose into another day, your smile still lingered far out in the horizon, though you're no longer around.
tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
it's been old school music listening all the way. been sorting out songs to sync in my phone and i've been hooked on all the old classics ever since hence the sudden outburst of lyric lifting onto my blog.
life's been good and can only get better.
if you wonder why my blog sounds all melancholy and emotional, it's because i only blog about melancholy stuff. it's hard to express happiness. i'm bad at expressing joy in words. i'm actually a pretty positive person who always makes the best out of the worst situations. yet my writing always brings out the worst of the best situations.
i've been really happy the past few days and jumping around like a monkey(see, told ya i can't express happiness all that well)..i've got a new toy, the iphone! =D all thanks to the very special person in my life. i feel pampered. (x
well i certainly think that things are moving along in a good direction though there're always times you ponder bout a certain thing or past or present or future but i guess it's but normal. and i certainly realise the changes you've made in your life and mine. i could probably describe it as how i thought a leopard never changes its spots but it turns out that this leopard has transformed so much that it has turned into a zebra. metaphorically, of course.
if you hesitate in your comprehension of whatever i have written, just move on. these are all but part and parcel of life and my life at that and so, you don't have to crack your brains over these issues.
i think i'm not thinking. it's late and i'm tired. but i'm duper happy cos i just d/l-ed damn alot of applications and tried them all and they're ULTIMATE fun!
ok i shall end with an expression of melancholy...
nothing but memories of your smile, melted into the sundown.
life's been good and can only get better.
if you wonder why my blog sounds all melancholy and emotional, it's because i only blog about melancholy stuff. it's hard to express happiness. i'm bad at expressing joy in words. i'm actually a pretty positive person who always makes the best out of the worst situations. yet my writing always brings out the worst of the best situations.
i've been really happy the past few days and jumping around like a monkey(see, told ya i can't express happiness all that well)..i've got a new toy, the iphone! =D all thanks to the very special person in my life. i feel pampered. (x
well i certainly think that things are moving along in a good direction though there're always times you ponder bout a certain thing or past or present or future but i guess it's but normal. and i certainly realise the changes you've made in your life and mine. i could probably describe it as how i thought a leopard never changes its spots but it turns out that this leopard has transformed so much that it has turned into a zebra. metaphorically, of course.
if you hesitate in your comprehension of whatever i have written, just move on. these are all but part and parcel of life and my life at that and so, you don't have to crack your brains over these issues.
i think i'm not thinking. it's late and i'm tired. but i'm duper happy cos i just d/l-ed damn alot of applications and tried them all and they're ULTIMATE fun!
ok i shall end with an expression of melancholy...
nothing but memories of your smile, melted into the sundown.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
time passes you by, some memories fade, others still stand vividly. yet some things past will never be forgotten.
happy days, carefree life. roaring engines. soaring winds. lashing waters. soaking skin. matted hair. squinted eyes. sun sinking in the horizon behind. tasting the salty water. laughter. cheers. amazement. excitement. fear. happiness. all melted into the sundown.
yet the memories will always stay fresh and joyously nostalgic.
happy days, carefree life. roaring engines. soaring winds. lashing waters. soaking skin. matted hair. squinted eyes. sun sinking in the horizon behind. tasting the salty water. laughter. cheers. amazement. excitement. fear. happiness. all melted into the sundown.
yet the memories will always stay fresh and joyously nostalgic.
Friday, February 20, 2009
如果这最好的结局
为何我还忘不了你
时间改变了我们告别了单纯
life is transient. love is transient. what then is permanence? when things come to an end and we tell ourselves, this is for the best. what's best anyway? how do you define this?
if this were the best ending, why can't i let you go.
time has passed us by and this lost time has stolen our innocence.
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认
你是我不该爱的人
can we really give our love so freely to someone else when our hearts are already filled to the brim, on the verge of bursting into flames.
fate. cruel fate. i know you're not my destiny and i can't hold on to you any longer.
i can't. i won't. how can i tell myself that you're one that i should not love.
我不能我怎么会愿意承认
你是我爱错了的人
i can't. i won't.
i can't bring myself to accept the fact that loving you was never right.
为何我还忘不了你
时间改变了我们告别了单纯
life is transient. love is transient. what then is permanence? when things come to an end and we tell ourselves, this is for the best. what's best anyway? how do you define this?
if this were the best ending, why can't i let you go.
time has passed us by and this lost time has stolen our innocence.
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认
你是我不该爱的人
can we really give our love so freely to someone else when our hearts are already filled to the brim, on the verge of bursting into flames.
fate. cruel fate. i know you're not my destiny and i can't hold on to you any longer.
i can't. i won't. how can i tell myself that you're one that i should not love.
我不能我怎么会愿意承认
你是我爱错了的人
i can't. i won't.
i can't bring myself to accept the fact that loving you was never right.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
the past few days passed me by in a swirl of colours. the trip up to genting made me realise many small but significant things. and the colours of the entertainment city made everything all the more memorable, joyful and missed. the visit to the zoo and night safari rekindled my love for nature and i think these few days have been one of the happiest and most carefree days in a very long time.
it has been an eventful year though so early into it. a year of new beginnings, abrupt endings and endless learnings. and it has been a superb valentine's day. it's the first vday that i actually bothered to give effort and time to my friends. i guess all the recent events have led me to realise how important my friends really are to me whether they are close or not so close. guess everything has brought me closer to some friends and pulled me apart from others but on the whole, my life seems more balanced now. i used to let my life revolve around just one important person since years ago but i have learnt that it is not the best way to live a life.
i have been touched. many times. and deep down inside there are inklings of better tomorrows that i hope for and can almost see. it's as though some seeds have been planted and it is beginning to grow. slowly but surely.
upon hearing the news of the glenn ong jamie yeo breakup, i can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. they were the golden couple, so often celebrated and written about. he always talked about her, as though she was his world. and she always seemed the sweet girl she is to him. why. i've always envied and admired their relationship but it has turned into futile envy eventually. must all things always end this way?
love, is it really so f r a g i l e. like a piece of cheap paper, easily torn. like a piece of thin glass, easy broken. like bubbles, they burst, too soon.
i have loved so many in this life and many of them have stayed in my life and will stay throughout my life. thankful for all these blessed souls. i'm never one to regret my choices but i do regret one. one that has destroyed a wonderful friendship. maybe not destroyed but it has changed many things. i was wrong and i made it even more wrong. and two wrongs don't make one right just like two rights can't right a wrong. and so what it's been done and done and can't be undone. only times i feel the pain creep into my heart. a dull pain that can only contain a regret.
i had been foolish once and a fool can't save himself. some things once lost, can't be found again.
but blessing in disguise it must be. pulling myself out of the hole sooner than later. and returning in joyful spirit to someone. someone who cares. more. someone who loves. most. someone who gives. everything. someone who matters. who'll always matter the most to me.
still a little bit of me stuck in reverse but it is no longer the same as before. i will be liberated. in time. and i know that i will do as much to salvage whatever i have wrecked and will always treasure what i can salvage. always and always.
and i know, i must run to where it should matter.
thankyouforallthepatienceandeffortbecausewithoutyouiwouldnt
knowwhattodo.
it has been an eventful year though so early into it. a year of new beginnings, abrupt endings and endless learnings. and it has been a superb valentine's day. it's the first vday that i actually bothered to give effort and time to my friends. i guess all the recent events have led me to realise how important my friends really are to me whether they are close or not so close. guess everything has brought me closer to some friends and pulled me apart from others but on the whole, my life seems more balanced now. i used to let my life revolve around just one important person since years ago but i have learnt that it is not the best way to live a life.
i have been touched. many times. and deep down inside there are inklings of better tomorrows that i hope for and can almost see. it's as though some seeds have been planted and it is beginning to grow. slowly but surely.
upon hearing the news of the glenn ong jamie yeo breakup, i can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. they were the golden couple, so often celebrated and written about. he always talked about her, as though she was his world. and she always seemed the sweet girl she is to him. why. i've always envied and admired their relationship but it has turned into futile envy eventually. must all things always end this way?
love, is it really so f r a g i l e. like a piece of cheap paper, easily torn. like a piece of thin glass, easy broken. like bubbles, they burst, too soon.
i have loved so many in this life and many of them have stayed in my life and will stay throughout my life. thankful for all these blessed souls. i'm never one to regret my choices but i do regret one. one that has destroyed a wonderful friendship. maybe not destroyed but it has changed many things. i was wrong and i made it even more wrong. and two wrongs don't make one right just like two rights can't right a wrong. and so what it's been done and done and can't be undone. only times i feel the pain creep into my heart. a dull pain that can only contain a regret.
i had been foolish once and a fool can't save himself. some things once lost, can't be found again.
but blessing in disguise it must be. pulling myself out of the hole sooner than later. and returning in joyful spirit to someone. someone who cares. more. someone who loves. most. someone who gives. everything. someone who matters. who'll always matter the most to me.
still a little bit of me stuck in reverse but it is no longer the same as before. i will be liberated. in time. and i know that i will do as much to salvage whatever i have wrecked and will always treasure what i can salvage. always and always.
and i know, i must run to where it should matter.
thankyouforallthepatienceandeffortbecausewithoutyouiwouldnt
knowwhattodo.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
when we two parted
in silence and tears,
half broken-hearted
to sever for years,
pale grew thy cheek and cold,
colder thy kiss;
truly that hour foretold
sorrow to this.
the dew of the morning
sunk chill on my brow
it felt like the warning
of what i feel now.
thy vows are all broken
and light is thy fame;
i hear thy name spoken,
and share in its shame.
thy name thee before me
a knell to mine ear;
a shudder comes over me
why wert thou so dear?
they know not i knew thee,
who knew thee too well:
long, long shall i rue thee,
too deeply to tell.
in secret we met
in silence i grieve,
that thy heart could forget,
thy spirit deceive.
if i should meet thee
after long years,
how should i greet thee?
with silence and tears.
in silence and tears,
half broken-hearted
to sever for years,
pale grew thy cheek and cold,
colder thy kiss;
truly that hour foretold
sorrow to this.
the dew of the morning
sunk chill on my brow
it felt like the warning
of what i feel now.
thy vows are all broken
and light is thy fame;
i hear thy name spoken,
and share in its shame.
thy name thee before me
a knell to mine ear;
a shudder comes over me
why wert thou so dear?
they know not i knew thee,
who knew thee too well:
long, long shall i rue thee,
too deeply to tell.
in secret we met
in silence i grieve,
that thy heart could forget,
thy spirit deceive.
if i should meet thee
after long years,
how should i greet thee?
with silence and tears.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
taken from sheryl's blog once again...
when it comes down to it all, all we really want is to be close to somebody. so this thing, whree we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. so we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. no matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. and sure, sometimes close can be too close. but sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.
in this time and space, this is who we are and this is what we all will become. when time changes and spaces are blacked out. i guess it is fair to wonder, what will really be.
when it comes down to it all, all we really want is to be close to somebody. so this thing, whree we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. so we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. no matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. and sure, sometimes close can be too close. but sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.
in this time and space, this is who we are and this is what we all will become. when time changes and spaces are blacked out. i guess it is fair to wonder, what will really be.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
i'm gone i'm gone. away with the words that leave your crimson lips. hard to say you say. not so hard afterall we say. we'll stay we'll stay as we used to say. don't go. please. stay. but there are some things along the way that make us lose our gay. you know. i know. that things have a way of growing grey. as we turned our hearts away.
oh sweet flower, thy seeds are bitter. bitter seeds blossom into sweet flowers. with the water. with the sun. with the air. and some tenderness. there is nothing more to give. nothing more to sprinkle. the seeds are sweet but the flowers refuse to bloom. oh ugly day. thy crimson lips apart, breathe thee the air so sweet, thy perfumed lips doth empty a poisonous half-lie. words torn, withered, gone. the winds will carry thy seeds away. and blow blow mighty wind. await the dying of the storm.
little lamb you know not of my thoughts. of my longings and my desires all so consumed within themselves. of the very fruit that poisoned the soul. purged my spirit of its goodness. like a milked cow, every day i die a little more. i live a little less. i give a little more. and take a little less. little lamb so innocent and pure. little thoughts. they are not so little after all.
thy beauty, a fleeting moment. stretches. time expands. nothing changes. but the look in your eyes now cast in snow. thy beauty, surpasses. time. nothing changes.
yesterdays will never come back again. today will never show itself again. tomorrow will become yesterday too soon. time. waits for. no man.
oh sweet flower, thy seeds are bitter. bitter seeds blossom into sweet flowers. with the water. with the sun. with the air. and some tenderness. there is nothing more to give. nothing more to sprinkle. the seeds are sweet but the flowers refuse to bloom. oh ugly day. thy crimson lips apart, breathe thee the air so sweet, thy perfumed lips doth empty a poisonous half-lie. words torn, withered, gone. the winds will carry thy seeds away. and blow blow mighty wind. await the dying of the storm.
little lamb you know not of my thoughts. of my longings and my desires all so consumed within themselves. of the very fruit that poisoned the soul. purged my spirit of its goodness. like a milked cow, every day i die a little more. i live a little less. i give a little more. and take a little less. little lamb so innocent and pure. little thoughts. they are not so little after all.
thy beauty, a fleeting moment. stretches. time expands. nothing changes. but the look in your eyes now cast in snow. thy beauty, surpasses. time. nothing changes.
yesterdays will never come back again. today will never show itself again. tomorrow will become yesterday too soon. time. waits for. no man.
Monday, February 2, 2009
真实
你说的话在我心中生了根
爱得很深所以心很疼
记忆在我的心中翻滚
是不是每一个人
都像我一样笨
只怕再问对彼此都太残忍
我能感觉另外一个人
我等等笑容换成泪痕
爱在崩溃的时候比较真
太多疑问知道答案又如何
原来容忍不需要天份
只要爱错一个人
心痛比快乐更真实
爱为何这样的讽刺
我忘了这是第几次
一见你就无法坚持
孤独比拥抱更真实
爱让人失去了理智
会不会是我太自私
拒绝更寂寞的日子
放不开也看不见未来
难道这种不完美
才是爱真实的样子
爱得很深所以心很疼
记忆在我的心中翻滚
是不是每一个人
都像我一样笨
只怕再问对彼此都太残忍
我能感觉另外一个人
我等等笑容换成泪痕
爱在崩溃的时候比较真
太多疑问知道答案又如何
原来容忍不需要天份
只要爱错一个人
心痛比快乐更真实
爱为何这样的讽刺
我忘了这是第几次
一见你就无法坚持
孤独比拥抱更真实
爱让人失去了理智
会不会是我太自私
拒绝更寂寞的日子
放不开也看不见未来
难道这种不完美
才是爱真实的样子
Friday, January 30, 2009
nobody comes along without motive and nobody goes away without pain. we're like kites soaring in the air. sometimes its safer to be kept holed up in the storeroom than be brought out to seek the skies. how magnificent the kite is, yet how thin its string is. we try so hard to get it going, to get it high up in the skies. yet the higher it flies, the more afraid we get of losing it. we pray for the winds to carry it up but when it's high up and the wind howls, the string tauts and breaks lose. and we're back at one. with nothing at all left.
if the string snaps and the kite disappears into the blue skies, i seek comfort in it soaring to a better place. somewhere high above the clouds. i could pretend to think of the best places that my little kite could fly to....but, the saddest thing to happen is when the kite catches on a tree and the string snaps. there's nothing you can do but watch sadly as it flaps in the wind but you can never have it back again.
so maybe we should all keep our kites neatly folded and hidden in the deepest corners of our hearts.
if the string snaps and the kite disappears into the blue skies, i seek comfort in it soaring to a better place. somewhere high above the clouds. i could pretend to think of the best places that my little kite could fly to....but, the saddest thing to happen is when the kite catches on a tree and the string snaps. there's nothing you can do but watch sadly as it flaps in the wind but you can never have it back again.
so maybe we should all keep our kites neatly folded and hidden in the deepest corners of our hearts.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
sometimes the road is so smooth and unwinding that it gets mundane. when we chance upon a black hole, we jump into it without thought, without knowing, without consequence. a deviation from ordinary. we struggle to climb up but we struggle more within ourselves. we struggle with the dilemma of resuming the long unwinding road or staying in a shithole that we don't usually get every day.
let me struggle abit more. for amidst all the struggles i think my shrouded eyes are beginning to clear. the vision of the road ahead seems a little better and a little clearer.
like quicksand, the more i struggle, the deeper i fall.
it's time to be calm. stay calm. and climb out of it.
let me struggle abit more. for amidst all the struggles i think my shrouded eyes are beginning to clear. the vision of the road ahead seems a little better and a little clearer.
like quicksand, the more i struggle, the deeper i fall.
it's time to be calm. stay calm. and climb out of it.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
of the things that matter and those that don't. of the things you think matter and the things you think are worthless. when together is apart and apart is together. when your thoughts are blown away each time they surface. blown to the back of your mind. it's not on the surface but it's there. always there.
what could have been would have been should have been. shattered and ruined. because i held it in my hands and it was too fragile. i crushed it with my bare hands. i crushed it all. a haven that once held a longing. a happy bubble that has burst. someone somewhere who understood. who laughed and who could think of the things i'd like to say without actually saying them. two of them. three of them. a group of them. at the brink of disappearing. now.
life is hard to understand. today and tomorrow. nothing ever stays the same.
你总说时间还很多
你可以等我
以前我不懂得
未必明天就有以后
we gain some we lose some. but i never thought i'd lose you. have i? don't go. stay. do you remember?
hey我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里
hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪 没适当的表情
最想说的话我该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你
如果没有你
没有过去 我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你
如果没有你
我在哪里 又有什么可惜
反正一切来不及
反正没有了自已
what could have been would have been should have been. shattered and ruined. because i held it in my hands and it was too fragile. i crushed it with my bare hands. i crushed it all. a haven that once held a longing. a happy bubble that has burst. someone somewhere who understood. who laughed and who could think of the things i'd like to say without actually saying them. two of them. three of them. a group of them. at the brink of disappearing. now.
life is hard to understand. today and tomorrow. nothing ever stays the same.
你总说时间还很多
你可以等我
以前我不懂得
未必明天就有以后
we gain some we lose some. but i never thought i'd lose you. have i? don't go. stay. do you remember?
hey我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里
hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪 没适当的表情
最想说的话我该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你
如果没有你
没有过去 我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你
如果没有你
我在哪里 又有什么可惜
反正一切来不及
反正没有了自已
Friday, January 23, 2009
sinner
This ain't the kind of affair to make you dance about
But there's something to say for the things
You wouldn't regularly let out
At least this chase makes you feel new
She holds a key
Tight in her hand
Clutching his neck
She is breaking the man
Listen you sinner
I'm sinning too
Just wait until the darkness falls
So I can sin with you
But there's something to say for the things
You wouldn't regularly let out
At least this chase makes you feel new
She holds a key
Tight in her hand
Clutching his neck
She is breaking the man
Listen you sinner
I'm sinning too
Just wait until the darkness falls
So I can sin with you
taken from sheryl's blog...
Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was. Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away in between the seconds of your life. If you don't stop for a minute, you might miss it.
it's been a long week. a week that i feel strangely detached. i feel distant from many things and places and people. but most of all i feel detached from myself. it is as if i'm not existing and my shell has been taken over by someone else. but i know it's still me.
what has taken over me i don't know. what came over me i really don't know. and now i still don't even know what is going through my mind, my soul, my heart. it is like there's something trying to break through. or has it been breaking or has it always been there.
fragmented bits floating about. i should reach out and touch them. feel them. remember. recall. piece them together. but the pieces don't fit. i think there're more than just one puzzle. who am i. am i part of it? deliriously counting. thinking. wanting. pushing away. coming and going.
and the picture and the image and the photograph that's etched in my head. fading. unfaded. faded. unfading. falter. faltering. who what where how? now.
and the pieces that fit they seem far away. but near enough. a mirage that will disappear and may never show its face again.
i think i'm thinking not. there are unknowns. uncertainties, struggles. pain. and hurt. happiness. surrounding us. me. happiness is it only short-lived?
at the end of the day it's still me myself and i.
Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was. Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away in between the seconds of your life. If you don't stop for a minute, you might miss it.
I wanted to freeze time. I wanted to savor that moment, to live in that moment for a week. But I couldn't stop it, only slow it. And before I knew it, she was gone. After the door closed I felt like the last person on Earth.
The good news... is that you're the pilot.
it's been a long week. a week that i feel strangely detached. i feel distant from many things and places and people. but most of all i feel detached from myself. it is as if i'm not existing and my shell has been taken over by someone else. but i know it's still me.
what has taken over me i don't know. what came over me i really don't know. and now i still don't even know what is going through my mind, my soul, my heart. it is like there's something trying to break through. or has it been breaking or has it always been there.
fragmented bits floating about. i should reach out and touch them. feel them. remember. recall. piece them together. but the pieces don't fit. i think there're more than just one puzzle. who am i. am i part of it? deliriously counting. thinking. wanting. pushing away. coming and going.
and the picture and the image and the photograph that's etched in my head. fading. unfaded. faded. unfading. falter. faltering. who what where how? now.
and the pieces that fit they seem far away. but near enough. a mirage that will disappear and may never show its face again.
i think i'm thinking not. there are unknowns. uncertainties, struggles. pain. and hurt. happiness. surrounding us. me. happiness is it only short-lived?
at the end of the day it's still me myself and i.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
the stars are calling out to me tonight
today i realised that although i may not have many privileges that others get to enjoy as though it's a basic necessity, i'm still very lucky. i'm lucky because i managed to understand the underlying reasons behind not getting some things that others take for granted. i'm lucky because though i took the road less travelled, i still managed to end up where many have not and would wish to end up at. i'm lucky because after all the obstacles that we have been through, we still are here for each other and have become stronger.
i'm lucky because all these turning points in life has led me to reach a point in my life where i feel fortunate. to play for a team who are just really a team. to have met people who have made life in hall very enjoyable and happy. people who appreciate my presence and that i feel good to be with.
i think the starry skies and chilling wind had a great effect on me. and of course the very good company that i had. i suddenly feel like i'm the most fortunate person in the whole wide world.
thank you dear girls for this beautiful night. =D
i'm lucky because all these turning points in life has led me to reach a point in my life where i feel fortunate. to play for a team who are just really a team. to have met people who have made life in hall very enjoyable and happy. people who appreciate my presence and that i feel good to be with.
i think the starry skies and chilling wind had a great effect on me. and of course the very good company that i had. i suddenly feel like i'm the most fortunate person in the whole wide world.
thank you dear girls for this beautiful night. =D
Friday, January 9, 2009
disappointed.
when you have expectations, you face disappointment. is it better to stop expecting anything? perhaps.
when you keep telling yourself to be more careful knowing how fragile you can be, but your mind succumbs to your heart and you give more than what your mind tells you to, you tend to lose out in the end.
the same cycle. repetition. vicious. scary. painful. hurtful. agonising. irritating. heart wrenching.
those words are the hardest to swallow and they refuse to digest.
so much for thinking 2009 is off to a superb start and shedding that heavy weight off my shoulders. the weight seemed to have quadrupled instantly. i should never have let myself become so defenseless like this.
and i hate to leave things hanging. i hate not knowing the answers. i hate waiting. and right now, i think i must be stupidly awake because i know the answers will not come.
when you have expectations, you face disappointment. is it better to stop expecting anything? perhaps.
when you keep telling yourself to be more careful knowing how fragile you can be, but your mind succumbs to your heart and you give more than what your mind tells you to, you tend to lose out in the end.
the same cycle. repetition. vicious. scary. painful. hurtful. agonising. irritating. heart wrenching.
those words are the hardest to swallow and they refuse to digest.
so much for thinking 2009 is off to a superb start and shedding that heavy weight off my shoulders. the weight seemed to have quadrupled instantly. i should never have let myself become so defenseless like this.
and i hate to leave things hanging. i hate not knowing the answers. i hate waiting. and right now, i think i must be stupidly awake because i know the answers will not come.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
in the deepest corners of my heart, there lie untold thoughts. like when i was inside and they were out there cheering and smiling on, i wish i was out there with them. a sudden rush of emotions that made me realise how much i missed being around them. and how much i still want to be a part of them. and how my heart has not moved on fully into the brand new environment. i guess it can never fully.
it is heartening to hear my name being called and cheered upon. and those hugs meant so much to me. it's like the support could move mountains. and for me, it moved my heart.
it is hard to imagine the way i feel today if you've moved away already. or if you're still a part of them. because you can never truly feel it the way i do, until you're standing in my shoes.
how i wish time would stop at the very hour of our exhilaration. how i wish time could reverse sometimes. but time waits for no man and here i am...
when you've belonged once to an exclusive group of wonderful people, you'll realise how you can never leave them. even if you're physically gone, a part of you never goes.
once a wolf, always a wolf.
it is heartening to hear my name being called and cheered upon. and those hugs meant so much to me. it's like the support could move mountains. and for me, it moved my heart.
it is hard to imagine the way i feel today if you've moved away already. or if you're still a part of them. because you can never truly feel it the way i do, until you're standing in my shoes.
how i wish time would stop at the very hour of our exhilaration. how i wish time could reverse sometimes. but time waits for no man and here i am...
when you've belonged once to an exclusive group of wonderful people, you'll realise how you can never leave them. even if you're physically gone, a part of you never goes.
once a wolf, always a wolf.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
don't lose your way
with each passing day
you've come so far
don't throw it away
live believing
dreams are for weaving
wonders are waiting to start
live your story
faith hope and glory
hold to the truth in your heart
if we hold on together
i know our dreams will never die
dreams see us through to forever
where clouds roll by
for you and i
with each passing day
you've come so far
don't throw it away
live believing
dreams are for weaving
wonders are waiting to start
live your story
faith hope and glory
hold to the truth in your heart
if we hold on together
i know our dreams will never die
dreams see us through to forever
where clouds roll by
for you and i
Thursday, January 1, 2009
难过是因为闷了很久
是因为想得太多
是心里起了作用
guess i'm just a dreamer at heart. someone who can't deal with boredom. i hate being alone. a dreamer who just likes having fun. too much fun to handle. someone who simply loves having special occasions memorably special. guess i'm a vagabond at heart. unable to settle. unable to be still. embraces change and excitement. life needs to be spiced up and constantly changing.
maybe i'd thought too much about it. been looking forward so much for 2008 to end that when it comes, it just wham, happens and it's kinda overrated. like you know, you're riding the waves but they're so small and before you know it, the water is calm again and there's no climax. no heightened moment.
2008 isn't all that bad but it's one of the worst years ever. most of everything just doesn't seem to go right. so i guess i'm so glad it's over. 2008 begun rather badly and i guess as anti-climax and bored 2009 has been welcomed, it's still better than last year so i guess it's something to feel happy about huh?
to the people i've met in 2008 and all those who've been there for me through my ups and downs, thank you for being there. to those who've made life a little less easy for me, i hope you either disappear from my life or just hope things get better.
may 2009 bring many memorable good memories and hope it passes in a flash because i want to finish uni quickly...
think 2010's new year will be better...it can only get better, right?
是因为想得太多
是心里起了作用
guess i'm just a dreamer at heart. someone who can't deal with boredom. i hate being alone. a dreamer who just likes having fun. too much fun to handle. someone who simply loves having special occasions memorably special. guess i'm a vagabond at heart. unable to settle. unable to be still. embraces change and excitement. life needs to be spiced up and constantly changing.
maybe i'd thought too much about it. been looking forward so much for 2008 to end that when it comes, it just wham, happens and it's kinda overrated. like you know, you're riding the waves but they're so small and before you know it, the water is calm again and there's no climax. no heightened moment.
2008 isn't all that bad but it's one of the worst years ever. most of everything just doesn't seem to go right. so i guess i'm so glad it's over. 2008 begun rather badly and i guess as anti-climax and bored 2009 has been welcomed, it's still better than last year so i guess it's something to feel happy about huh?
to the people i've met in 2008 and all those who've been there for me through my ups and downs, thank you for being there. to those who've made life a little less easy for me, i hope you either disappear from my life or just hope things get better.
may 2009 bring many memorable good memories and hope it passes in a flash because i want to finish uni quickly...
think 2010's new year will be better...it can only get better, right?
Monday, December 29, 2008
seems like we've taken a huge step forward. seems like after all the fears of the steps we've missed and the barriers we've to cross, we've been unfazed. it seems to me like she has finally understood what has been lacking all these while.
words are cheap. they don't mean a thing. actions speak louder than words. with action comes words naturally. with words, action does not necessarily prevail.
seems like 2008 is going to end pretty well after all. seems like december is really still the best month of all months. seems like 2009 will be a warm and welcoming year.
i've abandoned my jersey number 8 for a change. wanted 17 but it was taken so i took 71 instead. how very apt timing when box decided to change her number to 17 of which she passed her driving on her first attempt. =D
never thought you'd have the ability to surprise me with the words that you've said. and the affirmation once and twice and again and again. pardon me for being doubtful, for hopes and expectations always brought along pain and disappointment. after tonight, i can finally rest my burdened heart. if, and only if what is said is done.
life can only get better after tonight.
words are cheap. they don't mean a thing. actions speak louder than words. with action comes words naturally. with words, action does not necessarily prevail.
seems like 2008 is going to end pretty well after all. seems like december is really still the best month of all months. seems like 2009 will be a warm and welcoming year.
i've abandoned my jersey number 8 for a change. wanted 17 but it was taken so i took 71 instead. how very apt timing when box decided to change her number to 17 of which she passed her driving on her first attempt. =D
never thought you'd have the ability to surprise me with the words that you've said. and the affirmation once and twice and again and again. pardon me for being doubtful, for hopes and expectations always brought along pain and disappointment. after tonight, i can finally rest my burdened heart. if, and only if what is said is done.
life can only get better after tonight.
if i had done things to people that made them unhappy but i knew i had not done anything against my own will, i think i should not feel unhappy. why did i ever gotten so weak that i had to beg for forgiveness. i don't regret going down on my knees but i regret having that slightest benefit of doubt given to the people who don't deserve a single bit of it.
i stood up for my every right. i should be proud of it. why did i hide my face and sounded to meek like a kitten? i had a willing heart to give in but it was futile and stupid. i should never have relented.
would you try to break up a couple if one of them is your good friend and the other one you dislike? if you truly cared for someone would you do such a thing? why bother giving so much to people who can't even give you basic respect?
karma comes and it doesn't go. what comes around goes around. and it is already beginning to show. slowly but surely.
if your friends treat your gf like an outcast and blatantly leave her out of gatherings and outings, what would you do?
被爱是幸福, 爱人是痛苦
no wonder there are so many who choose to be with someone who loves them more than anything in the world even though they may not feel as strongly.
it has been a cycle. many cycles. and it's been ongoing. and up till this very moment, my heart still feels the sickening crunch and the feeling of knowing that there are things or people that can override me is the worst feeling that i can ever hope to feel.
i stood up for my every right. i should be proud of it. why did i hide my face and sounded to meek like a kitten? i had a willing heart to give in but it was futile and stupid. i should never have relented.
would you try to break up a couple if one of them is your good friend and the other one you dislike? if you truly cared for someone would you do such a thing? why bother giving so much to people who can't even give you basic respect?
karma comes and it doesn't go. what comes around goes around. and it is already beginning to show. slowly but surely.
if your friends treat your gf like an outcast and blatantly leave her out of gatherings and outings, what would you do?
被爱是幸福, 爱人是痛苦
no wonder there are so many who choose to be with someone who loves them more than anything in the world even though they may not feel as strongly.
it has been a cycle. many cycles. and it's been ongoing. and up till this very moment, my heart still feels the sickening crunch and the feeling of knowing that there are things or people that can override me is the worst feeling that i can ever hope to feel.
Friday, December 26, 2008
how would you feel if.....
your mother is sleeping. your sister is sleeping. even her bf is sleeping. your brother is sleeping. your 4 cats are all sleeping. your internet is ERRATIC and you're FUCKING BORED TO DEATH and you can't find a soul who can make you feel a teeny weeny bit better?!
ARGHS!!!! what kind of post christmas day is this?!!!!!
and why is it that i have to feel guilty doing this and that and nobody's making it any better?! ARGHS!!!
this christmas kinda sucks!
your mother is sleeping. your sister is sleeping. even her bf is sleeping. your brother is sleeping. your 4 cats are all sleeping. your internet is ERRATIC and you're FUCKING BORED TO DEATH and you can't find a soul who can make you feel a teeny weeny bit better?!
ARGHS!!!! what kind of post christmas day is this?!!!!!
and why is it that i have to feel guilty doing this and that and nobody's making it any better?! ARGHS!!!
this christmas kinda sucks!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
i wrote my thoughts on the clouds tonight and the wind came and blew it all away.
you should really try hanging out in town at night this december. though i didn't really feel the christmas atmosphere at first, it came after awhile when i heard carols and when the gusts of wind blew across the skies. or you could sit by the riverside at boat quay and watch the ripples. it has a hynotizing effect.
it's been a great week. cos i finally got my driver's license!! =D
at this very moment my heart feels just a little heavy......
you should really try hanging out in town at night this december. though i didn't really feel the christmas atmosphere at first, it came after awhile when i heard carols and when the gusts of wind blew across the skies. or you could sit by the riverside at boat quay and watch the ripples. it has a hynotizing effect.
it's been a great week. cos i finally got my driver's license!! =D
at this very moment my heart feels just a little heavy......
Monday, December 15, 2008
每一首歌都会让你想起一个人
我在你的心里面是什么样的歌曲？
december is the best month of 2008. it hasn't been a good year but it could have been worse. lovely december's moving away too quickly. time is passing like quick sand, and i'm being sucked down into the earth as january approaches. i love december too much. it's so filled with the spirit of love and giving. even the weather treats us well. christmas is beautiful. my christmas is red, blue and white. what colour is yours?
i wouldn't mind a black and red christmas too.
all i need for christmas is my car license. =(
and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow will be ivp camp. the first ivp camp with different people after three years. maybe ivp camps have a special meaning to me because of the people i always have it with and so this one seems queer. too different and too far away from the familiar. nevertheless ntu is a team to be proud of. =D
在你的记忆里面有一个我
在你最痛苦的时候陪你度过
难过过了 天晴朗了 我就走
我在你的心里面是什么样的歌曲？
december is the best month of 2008. it hasn't been a good year but it could have been worse. lovely december's moving away too quickly. time is passing like quick sand, and i'm being sucked down into the earth as january approaches. i love december too much. it's so filled with the spirit of love and giving. even the weather treats us well. christmas is beautiful. my christmas is red, blue and white. what colour is yours?
i wouldn't mind a black and red christmas too.
all i need for christmas is my car license. =(
and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow will be ivp camp. the first ivp camp with different people after three years. maybe ivp camps have a special meaning to me because of the people i always have it with and so this one seems queer. too different and too far away from the familiar. nevertheless ntu is a team to be proud of. =D
在你的记忆里面有一个我
在你最痛苦的时候陪你度过
难过过了 天晴朗了 我就走
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
it is too beautiful a night to be at home or sleeping. when i walked out of the house at the time that people are all going back home tonight, it suddenly hit me how much i'm missing. the weather's too good, especially tonight. especially when it rained alot today and the skies finally cleared and the air is so cool, so fresh and smells of christmas. i think everyone should spend december sleeping in, in the day when the rain falls and then stepping out at night when the rain stops. it feels so much like i was in aussie land just now. i should go out more often at night.
december's still young, it's probably gonna be the best time of the year for the next 3 years cos it'll be hols and the weather is too good to be true. even now, i don't feel like crawling into my bed cos i don't wanna lose this feeling. if only there're places to visit right now, just sitting around, drinking hot chocolate with christmas lights all over the place like the house in 4 christmases. it'll be so so nice.
and for great company too, tonight. unexpected hold ups and thinking i'll be all alone but lucky there's another lonely soul around heh. okay maybe not lonely but just...alone?
so who else wants to hang out at night for december with me? it's gonna be so nice. i love it when i can wear jeans and not feel warm and sticky. love it when i can wear the many many sweaters, jackets, pullovers....that i've got but seldom get to wear and even when i do, i keep taking it off and putting it on cos singapore is just too warm! everyone hurry finish exams, projects and those working TAKE ALL YOUR LEAVE IN DECEMBER and spend it with me!!!
i miss aussieland and china when it was cold and all.....
i miss you too.
december's still young, it's probably gonna be the best time of the year for the next 3 years cos it'll be hols and the weather is too good to be true. even now, i don't feel like crawling into my bed cos i don't wanna lose this feeling. if only there're places to visit right now, just sitting around, drinking hot chocolate with christmas lights all over the place like the house in 4 christmases. it'll be so so nice.
and for great company too, tonight. unexpected hold ups and thinking i'll be all alone but lucky there's another lonely soul around heh. okay maybe not lonely but just...alone?
so who else wants to hang out at night for december with me? it's gonna be so nice. i love it when i can wear jeans and not feel warm and sticky. love it when i can wear the many many sweaters, jackets, pullovers....that i've got but seldom get to wear and even when i do, i keep taking it off and putting it on cos singapore is just too warm! everyone hurry finish exams, projects and those working TAKE ALL YOUR LEAVE IN DECEMBER and spend it with me!!!
i miss aussieland and china when it was cold and all.....
i miss you too.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
不知所措
i ask myself why but i can't find an answer. can anyone help me find it?
you know life is so very unexpected. some people come into your life at the most unexpected times and shine a light that has long been snuffed out.
i should really get some sleep. it's been a long time since i slept well. not that long actually but it feels like a long time....
an empty room. an empty bed with mismatched pillow case. a table strewn with too many mismatched things. a silence so deep and hollow.
you know life is so very unexpected. some people come into your life at the most unexpected times and shine a light that has long been snuffed out.
i should really get some sleep. it's been a long time since i slept well. not that long actually but it feels like a long time....
an empty room. an empty bed with mismatched pillow case. a table strewn with too many mismatched things. a silence so deep and hollow.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
it's been such a long long day...from yesterday, i stayed up till 3am doing my laundry and tried my bestest to hurry to bed cos had to wake up at 7am for SIM 3-on-3 from 9am-6pm...turns out that i couldn't find sleep, or sleep just wouldn't find me and i tossed and turned till about 5plus before falling into a fitful, nightmarish sleep. =( imagine how i felt when i woke up 2 hours later...sobs!
turns out that out of 3 of my 3-0n-3 teammates, sheryl & veron slept beyond 5am and ain had strained her muscles during her ubin cycle...bad start! but but but!!!! we thrashed the 1st two teams 7-0; 5-0 followed by a lost to SIM team JFC who had the legendary great wall of china, Jaime Cheong as their defender...4-3 wasted! but met JFC again during semis and their great wall of china left already so we thrashed them like 12-0!!!!! 12-0 WOW! got through to first and second placing and emerged second la..thanks to the ever so invincible skools 1789 who thrashed us 11-0!
WE GOT SECOND PLACING! OMG OMG OMG!! totally unexpected, especially for 3 walking zombies who managed to do the mind over matter thing and one super ain who can defend, can score, even though she's injured! WOW! we got $200 bucks and split up to get $50 each! WOW RIGHT? SAY WOW WITH ME....WOOOOWWW!! can't believe it mann! =D i'm totally elated because i've NEVER won a 3-on-3 competition in my life!
so with only 2 hours of sleep, i rushed back to hall in hope of just collapsing onto my bed but no..my body is being cruel..probably due to all those late nights the past few days of sleeping at 4am and waking at 1pm...i just CANNOT..CANNOT FALL ASLEEP AFTER 1 HOUR ON THE BED =( this is PURE TORTURE cos i'm so freakkkkinnnng tired...imagine sleeping 2 hours and then playing floorball from 9am-6pm IN THE FREAKING SUN!! ARGHS!
i think i'm turning insomniac. i got a good mind to go to the doctor's to get some pills to help me sleep. and i think i've been unconsciously putting my mind into a turmoil with unnecessary things. today was great, i had no thought of anything else but winning the matches..without my phone. without my belongings. nothing but me, floorball stick and waterbottle. i actually felt a sense of dread when the day ended and sheryl returned me my stuff from her car..
guess it felt good not having to care about anything. not wondering when the next message or call will come in as i constantly do. it felt good knowing that there's nothing to look forward to or hope for. i think i'm beginning to learn what is good for me and i hope i don't lose this sense of independence.
as with reading Waiting for Godot, the futility of waiting is such a dreaded chore. i hate any form of waiting, be it waiting for the bus to come, waiting for the train, waiting for the car to pick me up, waiting for someone who's late, waiting...i hate waiting.....i think i'm a really impatient person..one of my most common phrases is "i can't wait to....!!"
and now,
i can't wait to fall asleep =(
turns out that out of 3 of my 3-0n-3 teammates, sheryl & veron slept beyond 5am and ain had strained her muscles during her ubin cycle...bad start! but but but!!!! we thrashed the 1st two teams 7-0; 5-0 followed by a lost to SIM team JFC who had the legendary great wall of china, Jaime Cheong as their defender...4-3 wasted! but met JFC again during semis and their great wall of china left already so we thrashed them like 12-0!!!!! 12-0 WOW! got through to first and second placing and emerged second la..thanks to the ever so invincible skools 1789 who thrashed us 11-0!
WE GOT SECOND PLACING! OMG OMG OMG!! totally unexpected, especially for 3 walking zombies who managed to do the mind over matter thing and one super ain who can defend, can score, even though she's injured! WOW! we got $200 bucks and split up to get $50 each! WOW RIGHT? SAY WOW WITH ME....WOOOOWWW!! can't believe it mann! =D i'm totally elated because i've NEVER won a 3-on-3 competition in my life!
so with only 2 hours of sleep, i rushed back to hall in hope of just collapsing onto my bed but no..my body is being cruel..probably due to all those late nights the past few days of sleeping at 4am and waking at 1pm...i just CANNOT..CANNOT FALL ASLEEP AFTER 1 HOUR ON THE BED =( this is PURE TORTURE cos i'm so freakkkkinnnng tired...imagine sleeping 2 hours and then playing floorball from 9am-6pm IN THE FREAKING SUN!! ARGHS!
i think i'm turning insomniac. i got a good mind to go to the doctor's to get some pills to help me sleep. and i think i've been unconsciously putting my mind into a turmoil with unnecessary things. today was great, i had no thought of anything else but winning the matches..without my phone. without my belongings. nothing but me, floorball stick and waterbottle. i actually felt a sense of dread when the day ended and sheryl returned me my stuff from her car..
guess it felt good not having to care about anything. not wondering when the next message or call will come in as i constantly do. it felt good knowing that there's nothing to look forward to or hope for. i think i'm beginning to learn what is good for me and i hope i don't lose this sense of independence.
as with reading Waiting for Godot, the futility of waiting is such a dreaded chore. i hate any form of waiting, be it waiting for the bus to come, waiting for the train, waiting for the car to pick me up, waiting for someone who's late, waiting...i hate waiting.....i think i'm a really impatient person..one of my most common phrases is "i can't wait to....!!"
and now,
i can't wait to fall asleep =(
Saturday, November 22, 2008
TGIF
a surprise pleasantly sprung upon me..=D fridays are always good. hopefully. it's hard to imagine what a nice little dinner can do to me...
been hooked on pet society which is a really bad, thanks to pris-ee and her orange-ee who asked me how to clean up her pet which resulted in me wanting to try it out because i was wondering how hard it is to just clean up the pet??? it's actually really easy so i don't know why orange-ee's owner couldn't figure it out...heh. i'm currently on level 9!
monday's liberation day and i can't wait. i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait. did i mention that i can't wait??!?!?!?!?!
this weekend will be hard to bear but i will remember those words that i turned to. and if all else fails, i can always feign ignorance, though i really would like to shove a corn up someone's ass. HAH.
whatever whatever whatever...i hope these 3 weeks will be over in a flash and i hope the next few weeks to come will never repeat these 3 weekends =(
okay, some stupid blabbering at 4.44am exactly as i look at the clock now..what a dreadful timing to be awake and sulking..
but no, it was indeed quite a pleasant day..shall not let thoughts ruin my good day and night.
been hooked on pet society which is a really bad, thanks to pris-ee and her orange-ee who asked me how to clean up her pet which resulted in me wanting to try it out because i was wondering how hard it is to just clean up the pet??? it's actually really easy so i don't know why orange-ee's owner couldn't figure it out...heh. i'm currently on level 9!
monday's liberation day and i can't wait. i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait. did i mention that i can't wait??!?!?!?!?!
this weekend will be hard to bear but i will remember those words that i turned to. and if all else fails, i can always feign ignorance, though i really would like to shove a corn up someone's ass. HAH.
whatever whatever whatever...i hope these 3 weeks will be over in a flash and i hope the next few weeks to come will never repeat these 3 weekends =(
okay, some stupid blabbering at 4.44am exactly as i look at the clock now..what a dreadful timing to be awake and sulking..
but no, it was indeed quite a pleasant day..shall not let thoughts ruin my good day and night.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
i turn to you, the Bible
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed.
"Do not fear what they fear, do not be frightened."
For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed.
"Do not fear what they fear, do not be frightened."
you've condemned me,
but the world has condemned you.
what makes you, better than me?
nothing.
"The Gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back on its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labour." -The Myth of Sisyphus (1942)
it speaks of how futile efforts spent and hopelessness is the most dreadul punishment, worse than any other kind. and indeed it is true. which brings my plan Adopt Another Attitude to action because as i quote try as i might to make everything better, it just doesn't work anymore unquote.
do you realise how beautiful literature is? even through the study of the Theatre of Absurd i find a quote that rings so true in our era and that quote was written 56 years ago.
the worst feeling to get when you've spent endless efforts is knowing that your efforts are worthless and hopeless just like the condemnation of Sisyphus of which he has to ceaselessly roll a huge rock up a mountain and let it fall back on its own weight and push it up again and repeat this motion over and over again.
i realise now it's not an effort. it's not helping. it is a punishment like what The Myth speaks about. so yet again, i must AAA.
circumstances may punish you, they may try to make you suffer. the devil is always in every single soul trying to show itself stronger than the kindness each is born with. and because some succumb to the devil does not mean i have to suffer. the facades of the faces will show themselves, if not sooner, then later. but they will show.
but in the meantime, i will not be condemned like Sisyphus. i will not suffer the futility of pushing the bloody rock up the mountain only to let it fall back down again and again. AAA.
truth is, i blamed myself. that i was too lousy. that i was really that bad a girl. that because of all that i am i'm being ostracised. but hey. today i realised i am not. I AM NOT! say my name and the bias one will speak ill of me a million times worse than what i really am. say my name and those who follow and worship the devilish one will speak ill of me a million times worse than what i really am. but say the devil's name and watch those who have not heard a single word about the filthiness of it cringe and turn away. the devil has shown itself even to strangers and to innocence. say my name to the strangers and watch them smile.
the one who speaks a million ill things about me will someday realise, she is not even an inch in my very league.
it speaks of how futile efforts spent and hopelessness is the most dreadul punishment, worse than any other kind. and indeed it is true. which brings my plan Adopt Another Attitude to action because as i quote try as i might to make everything better, it just doesn't work anymore unquote.
do you realise how beautiful literature is? even through the study of the Theatre of Absurd i find a quote that rings so true in our era and that quote was written 56 years ago.
the worst feeling to get when you've spent endless efforts is knowing that your efforts are worthless and hopeless just like the condemnation of Sisyphus of which he has to ceaselessly roll a huge rock up a mountain and let it fall back on its own weight and push it up again and repeat this motion over and over again.
i realise now it's not an effort. it's not helping. it is a punishment like what The Myth speaks about. so yet again, i must AAA.
circumstances may punish you, they may try to make you suffer. the devil is always in every single soul trying to show itself stronger than the kindness each is born with. and because some succumb to the devil does not mean i have to suffer. the facades of the faces will show themselves, if not sooner, then later. but they will show.
but in the meantime, i will not be condemned like Sisyphus. i will not suffer the futility of pushing the bloody rock up the mountain only to let it fall back down again and again. AAA.
truth is, i blamed myself. that i was too lousy. that i was really that bad a girl. that because of all that i am i'm being ostracised. but hey. today i realised i am not. I AM NOT! say my name and the bias one will speak ill of me a million times worse than what i really am. say my name and those who follow and worship the devilish one will speak ill of me a million times worse than what i really am. but say the devil's name and watch those who have not heard a single word about the filthiness of it cringe and turn away. the devil has shown itself even to strangers and to innocence. say my name to the strangers and watch them smile.
the one who speaks a million ill things about me will someday realise, she is not even an inch in my very league.
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