seems like we've taken a huge step forward. seems like after all the fears of the steps we've missed and the barriers we've to cross, we've been unfazed. it seems to me like she has finally understood what has been lacking all these while.
words are cheap. they don't mean a thing. actions speak louder than words. with action comes words naturally. with words, action does not necessarily prevail.
seems like 2008 is going to end pretty well after all. seems like december is really still the best month of all months. seems like 2009 will be a warm and welcoming year.
i've abandoned my jersey number 8 for a change. wanted 17 but it was taken so i took 71 instead. how very apt timing when box decided to change her number to 17 of which she passed her driving on her first attempt. =D
never thought you'd have the ability to surprise me with the words that you've said. and the affirmation once and twice and again and again. pardon me for being doubtful, for hopes and expectations always brought along pain and disappointment. after tonight, i can finally rest my burdened heart. if, and only if what is said is done.
life can only get better after tonight.
Monday, December 29, 2008
if i had done things to people that made them unhappy but i knew i had not done anything against my own will, i think i should not feel unhappy. why did i ever gotten so weak that i had to beg for forgiveness. i don't regret going down on my knees but i regret having that slightest benefit of doubt given to the people who don't deserve a single bit of it.
i stood up for my every right. i should be proud of it. why did i hide my face and sounded to meek like a kitten? i had a willing heart to give in but it was futile and stupid. i should never have relented.
would you try to break up a couple if one of them is your good friend and the other one you dislike? if you truly cared for someone would you do such a thing? why bother giving so much to people who can't even give you basic respect?
karma comes and it doesn't go. what comes around goes around. and it is already beginning to show. slowly but surely.
if your friends treat your gf like an outcast and blatantly leave her out of gatherings and outings, what would you do?
被爱是幸福, 爱人是痛苦
no wonder there are so many who choose to be with someone who loves them more than anything in the world even though they may not feel as strongly.
it has been a cycle. many cycles. and it's been ongoing. and up till this very moment, my heart still feels the sickening crunch and the feeling of knowing that there are things or people that can override me is the worst feeling that i can ever hope to feel.
i stood up for my every right. i should be proud of it. why did i hide my face and sounded to meek like a kitten? i had a willing heart to give in but it was futile and stupid. i should never have relented.
would you try to break up a couple if one of them is your good friend and the other one you dislike? if you truly cared for someone would you do such a thing? why bother giving so much to people who can't even give you basic respect?
karma comes and it doesn't go. what comes around goes around. and it is already beginning to show. slowly but surely.
if your friends treat your gf like an outcast and blatantly leave her out of gatherings and outings, what would you do?
被爱是幸福, 爱人是痛苦
no wonder there are so many who choose to be with someone who loves them more than anything in the world even though they may not feel as strongly.
it has been a cycle. many cycles. and it's been ongoing. and up till this very moment, my heart still feels the sickening crunch and the feeling of knowing that there are things or people that can override me is the worst feeling that i can ever hope to feel.
Friday, December 26, 2008
how would you feel if.....
your mother is sleeping. your sister is sleeping. even her bf is sleeping. your brother is sleeping. your 4 cats are all sleeping. your internet is ERRATIC and you're FUCKING BORED TO DEATH and you can't find a soul who can make you feel a teeny weeny bit better?!
ARGHS!!!! what kind of post christmas day is this?!!!!!
and why is it that i have to feel guilty doing this and that and nobody's making it any better?! ARGHS!!!
this christmas kinda sucks!
your mother is sleeping. your sister is sleeping. even her bf is sleeping. your brother is sleeping. your 4 cats are all sleeping. your internet is ERRATIC and you're FUCKING BORED TO DEATH and you can't find a soul who can make you feel a teeny weeny bit better?!
ARGHS!!!! what kind of post christmas day is this?!!!!!
and why is it that i have to feel guilty doing this and that and nobody's making it any better?! ARGHS!!!
this christmas kinda sucks!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
i wrote my thoughts on the clouds tonight and the wind came and blew it all away.
you should really try hanging out in town at night this december. though i didn't really feel the christmas atmosphere at first, it came after awhile when i heard carols and when the gusts of wind blew across the skies. or you could sit by the riverside at boat quay and watch the ripples. it has a hynotizing effect.
it's been a great week. cos i finally got my driver's license!! =D
at this very moment my heart feels just a little heavy......
you should really try hanging out in town at night this december. though i didn't really feel the christmas atmosphere at first, it came after awhile when i heard carols and when the gusts of wind blew across the skies. or you could sit by the riverside at boat quay and watch the ripples. it has a hynotizing effect.
it's been a great week. cos i finally got my driver's license!! =D
at this very moment my heart feels just a little heavy......
Monday, December 15, 2008
每一首歌都会让你想起一个人
我在你的心里面是什么样的歌曲？
december is the best month of 2008. it hasn't been a good year but it could have been worse. lovely december's moving away too quickly. time is passing like quick sand, and i'm being sucked down into the earth as january approaches. i love december too much. it's so filled with the spirit of love and giving. even the weather treats us well. christmas is beautiful. my christmas is red, blue and white. what colour is yours?
i wouldn't mind a black and red christmas too.
all i need for christmas is my car license. =(
and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow will be ivp camp. the first ivp camp with different people after three years. maybe ivp camps have a special meaning to me because of the people i always have it with and so this one seems queer. too different and too far away from the familiar. nevertheless ntu is a team to be proud of. =D
在你的记忆里面有一个我
在你最痛苦的时候陪你度过
难过过了 天晴朗了 我就走
我在你的心里面是什么样的歌曲？
december is the best month of 2008. it hasn't been a good year but it could have been worse. lovely december's moving away too quickly. time is passing like quick sand, and i'm being sucked down into the earth as january approaches. i love december too much. it's so filled with the spirit of love and giving. even the weather treats us well. christmas is beautiful. my christmas is red, blue and white. what colour is yours?
i wouldn't mind a black and red christmas too.
all i need for christmas is my car license. =(
and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow will be ivp camp. the first ivp camp with different people after three years. maybe ivp camps have a special meaning to me because of the people i always have it with and so this one seems queer. too different and too far away from the familiar. nevertheless ntu is a team to be proud of. =D
在你的记忆里面有一个我
在你最痛苦的时候陪你度过
难过过了 天晴朗了 我就走
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
it is too beautiful a night to be at home or sleeping. when i walked out of the house at the time that people are all going back home tonight, it suddenly hit me how much i'm missing. the weather's too good, especially tonight. especially when it rained alot today and the skies finally cleared and the air is so cool, so fresh and smells of christmas. i think everyone should spend december sleeping in, in the day when the rain falls and then stepping out at night when the rain stops. it feels so much like i was in aussie land just now. i should go out more often at night.
december's still young, it's probably gonna be the best time of the year for the next 3 years cos it'll be hols and the weather is too good to be true. even now, i don't feel like crawling into my bed cos i don't wanna lose this feeling. if only there're places to visit right now, just sitting around, drinking hot chocolate with christmas lights all over the place like the house in 4 christmases. it'll be so so nice.
and for great company too, tonight. unexpected hold ups and thinking i'll be all alone but lucky there's another lonely soul around heh. okay maybe not lonely but just...alone?
so who else wants to hang out at night for december with me? it's gonna be so nice. i love it when i can wear jeans and not feel warm and sticky. love it when i can wear the many many sweaters, jackets, pullovers....that i've got but seldom get to wear and even when i do, i keep taking it off and putting it on cos singapore is just too warm! everyone hurry finish exams, projects and those working TAKE ALL YOUR LEAVE IN DECEMBER and spend it with me!!!
i miss aussieland and china when it was cold and all.....
i miss you too.
december's still young, it's probably gonna be the best time of the year for the next 3 years cos it'll be hols and the weather is too good to be true. even now, i don't feel like crawling into my bed cos i don't wanna lose this feeling. if only there're places to visit right now, just sitting around, drinking hot chocolate with christmas lights all over the place like the house in 4 christmases. it'll be so so nice.
and for great company too, tonight. unexpected hold ups and thinking i'll be all alone but lucky there's another lonely soul around heh. okay maybe not lonely but just...alone?
so who else wants to hang out at night for december with me? it's gonna be so nice. i love it when i can wear jeans and not feel warm and sticky. love it when i can wear the many many sweaters, jackets, pullovers....that i've got but seldom get to wear and even when i do, i keep taking it off and putting it on cos singapore is just too warm! everyone hurry finish exams, projects and those working TAKE ALL YOUR LEAVE IN DECEMBER and spend it with me!!!
i miss aussieland and china when it was cold and all.....
i miss you too.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
不知所措
i ask myself why but i can't find an answer. can anyone help me find it?
you know life is so very unexpected. some people come into your life at the most unexpected times and shine a light that has long been snuffed out.
i should really get some sleep. it's been a long time since i slept well. not that long actually but it feels like a long time....
an empty room. an empty bed with mismatched pillow case. a table strewn with too many mismatched things. a silence so deep and hollow.
you know life is so very unexpected. some people come into your life at the most unexpected times and shine a light that has long been snuffed out.
i should really get some sleep. it's been a long time since i slept well. not that long actually but it feels like a long time....
an empty room. an empty bed with mismatched pillow case. a table strewn with too many mismatched things. a silence so deep and hollow.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
it's been such a long long day...from yesterday, i stayed up till 3am doing my laundry and tried my bestest to hurry to bed cos had to wake up at 7am for SIM 3-on-3 from 9am-6pm...turns out that i couldn't find sleep, or sleep just wouldn't find me and i tossed and turned till about 5plus before falling into a fitful, nightmarish sleep. =( imagine how i felt when i woke up 2 hours later...sobs!
turns out that out of 3 of my 3-0n-3 teammates, sheryl & veron slept beyond 5am and ain had strained her muscles during her ubin cycle...bad start! but but but!!!! we thrashed the 1st two teams 7-0; 5-0 followed by a lost to SIM team JFC who had the legendary great wall of china, Jaime Cheong as their defender...4-3 wasted! but met JFC again during semis and their great wall of china left already so we thrashed them like 12-0!!!!! 12-0 WOW! got through to first and second placing and emerged second la..thanks to the ever so invincible skools 1789 who thrashed us 11-0!
WE GOT SECOND PLACING! OMG OMG OMG!! totally unexpected, especially for 3 walking zombies who managed to do the mind over matter thing and one super ain who can defend, can score, even though she's injured! WOW! we got $200 bucks and split up to get $50 each! WOW RIGHT? SAY WOW WITH ME....WOOOOWWW!! can't believe it mann! =D i'm totally elated because i've NEVER won a 3-on-3 competition in my life!
so with only 2 hours of sleep, i rushed back to hall in hope of just collapsing onto my bed but no..my body is being cruel..probably due to all those late nights the past few days of sleeping at 4am and waking at 1pm...i just CANNOT..CANNOT FALL ASLEEP AFTER 1 HOUR ON THE BED =( this is PURE TORTURE cos i'm so freakkkkinnnng tired...imagine sleeping 2 hours and then playing floorball from 9am-6pm IN THE FREAKING SUN!! ARGHS!
i think i'm turning insomniac. i got a good mind to go to the doctor's to get some pills to help me sleep. and i think i've been unconsciously putting my mind into a turmoil with unnecessary things. today was great, i had no thought of anything else but winning the matches..without my phone. without my belongings. nothing but me, floorball stick and waterbottle. i actually felt a sense of dread when the day ended and sheryl returned me my stuff from her car..
guess it felt good not having to care about anything. not wondering when the next message or call will come in as i constantly do. it felt good knowing that there's nothing to look forward to or hope for. i think i'm beginning to learn what is good for me and i hope i don't lose this sense of independence.
as with reading Waiting for Godot, the futility of waiting is such a dreaded chore. i hate any form of waiting, be it waiting for the bus to come, waiting for the train, waiting for the car to pick me up, waiting for someone who's late, waiting...i hate waiting.....i think i'm a really impatient person..one of my most common phrases is "i can't wait to....!!"
and now,
i can't wait to fall asleep =(
turns out that out of 3 of my 3-0n-3 teammates, sheryl & veron slept beyond 5am and ain had strained her muscles during her ubin cycle...bad start! but but but!!!! we thrashed the 1st two teams 7-0; 5-0 followed by a lost to SIM team JFC who had the legendary great wall of china, Jaime Cheong as their defender...4-3 wasted! but met JFC again during semis and their great wall of china left already so we thrashed them like 12-0!!!!! 12-0 WOW! got through to first and second placing and emerged second la..thanks to the ever so invincible skools 1789 who thrashed us 11-0!
WE GOT SECOND PLACING! OMG OMG OMG!! totally unexpected, especially for 3 walking zombies who managed to do the mind over matter thing and one super ain who can defend, can score, even though she's injured! WOW! we got $200 bucks and split up to get $50 each! WOW RIGHT? SAY WOW WITH ME....WOOOOWWW!! can't believe it mann! =D i'm totally elated because i've NEVER won a 3-on-3 competition in my life!
so with only 2 hours of sleep, i rushed back to hall in hope of just collapsing onto my bed but no..my body is being cruel..probably due to all those late nights the past few days of sleeping at 4am and waking at 1pm...i just CANNOT..CANNOT FALL ASLEEP AFTER 1 HOUR ON THE BED =( this is PURE TORTURE cos i'm so freakkkkinnnng tired...imagine sleeping 2 hours and then playing floorball from 9am-6pm IN THE FREAKING SUN!! ARGHS!
i think i'm turning insomniac. i got a good mind to go to the doctor's to get some pills to help me sleep. and i think i've been unconsciously putting my mind into a turmoil with unnecessary things. today was great, i had no thought of anything else but winning the matches..without my phone. without my belongings. nothing but me, floorball stick and waterbottle. i actually felt a sense of dread when the day ended and sheryl returned me my stuff from her car..
guess it felt good not having to care about anything. not wondering when the next message or call will come in as i constantly do. it felt good knowing that there's nothing to look forward to or hope for. i think i'm beginning to learn what is good for me and i hope i don't lose this sense of independence.
as with reading Waiting for Godot, the futility of waiting is such a dreaded chore. i hate any form of waiting, be it waiting for the bus to come, waiting for the train, waiting for the car to pick me up, waiting for someone who's late, waiting...i hate waiting.....i think i'm a really impatient person..one of my most common phrases is "i can't wait to....!!"
and now,
i can't wait to fall asleep =(
Saturday, November 22, 2008
TGIF
a surprise pleasantly sprung upon me..=D fridays are always good. hopefully. it's hard to imagine what a nice little dinner can do to me...
been hooked on pet society which is a really bad, thanks to pris-ee and her orange-ee who asked me how to clean up her pet which resulted in me wanting to try it out because i was wondering how hard it is to just clean up the pet??? it's actually really easy so i don't know why orange-ee's owner couldn't figure it out...heh. i'm currently on level 9!
monday's liberation day and i can't wait. i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait. did i mention that i can't wait??!?!?!?!?!
this weekend will be hard to bear but i will remember those words that i turned to. and if all else fails, i can always feign ignorance, though i really would like to shove a corn up someone's ass. HAH.
whatever whatever whatever...i hope these 3 weeks will be over in a flash and i hope the next few weeks to come will never repeat these 3 weekends =(
okay, some stupid blabbering at 4.44am exactly as i look at the clock now..what a dreadful timing to be awake and sulking..
but no, it was indeed quite a pleasant day..shall not let thoughts ruin my good day and night.
been hooked on pet society which is a really bad, thanks to pris-ee and her orange-ee who asked me how to clean up her pet which resulted in me wanting to try it out because i was wondering how hard it is to just clean up the pet??? it's actually really easy so i don't know why orange-ee's owner couldn't figure it out...heh. i'm currently on level 9!
monday's liberation day and i can't wait. i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait. did i mention that i can't wait??!?!?!?!?!
this weekend will be hard to bear but i will remember those words that i turned to. and if all else fails, i can always feign ignorance, though i really would like to shove a corn up someone's ass. HAH.
whatever whatever whatever...i hope these 3 weeks will be over in a flash and i hope the next few weeks to come will never repeat these 3 weekends =(
okay, some stupid blabbering at 4.44am exactly as i look at the clock now..what a dreadful timing to be awake and sulking..
but no, it was indeed quite a pleasant day..shall not let thoughts ruin my good day and night.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
i turn to you, the Bible
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed.
"Do not fear what they fear, do not be frightened."
For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."
Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed.
"Do not fear what they fear, do not be frightened."
you've condemned me,
but the world has condemned you.
what makes you, better than me?
nothing.
"The Gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back on its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labour." -The Myth of Sisyphus (1942)
it speaks of how futile efforts spent and hopelessness is the most dreadul punishment, worse than any other kind. and indeed it is true. which brings my plan Adopt Another Attitude to action because as i quote try as i might to make everything better, it just doesn't work anymore unquote.
do you realise how beautiful literature is? even through the study of the Theatre of Absurd i find a quote that rings so true in our era and that quote was written 56 years ago.
the worst feeling to get when you've spent endless efforts is knowing that your efforts are worthless and hopeless just like the condemnation of Sisyphus of which he has to ceaselessly roll a huge rock up a mountain and let it fall back on its own weight and push it up again and repeat this motion over and over again.
i realise now it's not an effort. it's not helping. it is a punishment like what The Myth speaks about. so yet again, i must AAA.
circumstances may punish you, they may try to make you suffer. the devil is always in every single soul trying to show itself stronger than the kindness each is born with. and because some succumb to the devil does not mean i have to suffer. the facades of the faces will show themselves, if not sooner, then later. but they will show.
but in the meantime, i will not be condemned like Sisyphus. i will not suffer the futility of pushing the bloody rock up the mountain only to let it fall back down again and again. AAA.
truth is, i blamed myself. that i was too lousy. that i was really that bad a girl. that because of all that i am i'm being ostracised. but hey. today i realised i am not. I AM NOT! say my name and the bias one will speak ill of me a million times worse than what i really am. say my name and those who follow and worship the devilish one will speak ill of me a million times worse than what i really am. but say the devil's name and watch those who have not heard a single word about the filthiness of it cringe and turn away. the devil has shown itself even to strangers and to innocence. say my name to the strangers and watch them smile.
the one who speaks a million ill things about me will someday realise, she is not even an inch in my very league.
it speaks of how futile efforts spent and hopelessness is the most dreadul punishment, worse than any other kind. and indeed it is true. which brings my plan Adopt Another Attitude to action because as i quote try as i might to make everything better, it just doesn't work anymore unquote.
do you realise how beautiful literature is? even through the study of the Theatre of Absurd i find a quote that rings so true in our era and that quote was written 56 years ago.
the worst feeling to get when you've spent endless efforts is knowing that your efforts are worthless and hopeless just like the condemnation of Sisyphus of which he has to ceaselessly roll a huge rock up a mountain and let it fall back on its own weight and push it up again and repeat this motion over and over again.
i realise now it's not an effort. it's not helping. it is a punishment like what The Myth speaks about. so yet again, i must AAA.
circumstances may punish you, they may try to make you suffer. the devil is always in every single soul trying to show itself stronger than the kindness each is born with. and because some succumb to the devil does not mean i have to suffer. the facades of the faces will show themselves, if not sooner, then later. but they will show.
but in the meantime, i will not be condemned like Sisyphus. i will not suffer the futility of pushing the bloody rock up the mountain only to let it fall back down again and again. AAA.
truth is, i blamed myself. that i was too lousy. that i was really that bad a girl. that because of all that i am i'm being ostracised. but hey. today i realised i am not. I AM NOT! say my name and the bias one will speak ill of me a million times worse than what i really am. say my name and those who follow and worship the devilish one will speak ill of me a million times worse than what i really am. but say the devil's name and watch those who have not heard a single word about the filthiness of it cringe and turn away. the devil has shown itself even to strangers and to innocence. say my name to the strangers and watch them smile.
the one who speaks a million ill things about me will someday realise, she is not even an inch in my very league.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
如果没有你 没有过去 我不会有伤心
hey我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里
hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪 没适当的表情
最想说的话我该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你
如果没有你
没有过去 我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你
如果没有你
我在哪里 又有什么可惜
反正一切来不及
反正没有了自已
hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪 没适当的表情
最想说的话我应该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里
hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪 没适当的表情
最想说的话我该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你
如果没有你
没有过去 我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你
如果没有你
我在哪里 又有什么可惜
反正一切来不及
反正没有了自已
hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪 没适当的表情
最想说的话我应该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你
adopt another attitude (AAA)
why do we spend precious sleeping time thinking about unpleasant things and not being able to fall asleep? why yearn for things that will never happen? why indulge in wishful thinking and fall into a deep black hole that you can't climb out of? why do we always give so much and ask for so much in return? it's time to adopt another attitude.
life is too short, isn't it? i may walk down the streets tomorrow and a car may come by and bang the life out of me. or lightning may strike a tree down that may strike me and take my life away. or lightning may even strike right at me. and i'll die with regrets that i'd screwed up my life yesterday.
there're some things that you wish to be everything to and that they're everything to you, but no. you realise that it's a one way street. what do you do? i indulge in wishful thinking and yearnings and spend precious sleeping time being awake. but no. i must adopt another attitude. (aaa).
make it so that nothing will make me unhappy anymore. that i can walk away without a care in the world. make it so that nothing is everything to me. that i can still feel happy without anything and anyone around me. make it so that the walls are strong and high up around me. that nothing can come and break down my defences. make it so that all these thoughts will die and can never be revived again.
if i could start all over again, i will choose differently. because try as i might to make everything better, it just doesn't work anymore.
adopt another attitude. build bigger boulders. go. going. gone.
life is too short, isn't it? i may walk down the streets tomorrow and a car may come by and bang the life out of me. or lightning may strike a tree down that may strike me and take my life away. or lightning may even strike right at me. and i'll die with regrets that i'd screwed up my life yesterday.
there're some things that you wish to be everything to and that they're everything to you, but no. you realise that it's a one way street. what do you do? i indulge in wishful thinking and yearnings and spend precious sleeping time being awake. but no. i must adopt another attitude. (aaa).
make it so that nothing will make me unhappy anymore. that i can walk away without a care in the world. make it so that nothing is everything to me. that i can still feel happy without anything and anyone around me. make it so that the walls are strong and high up around me. that nothing can come and break down my defences. make it so that all these thoughts will die and can never be revived again.
if i could start all over again, i will choose differently. because try as i might to make everything better, it just doesn't work anymore.
adopt another attitude. build bigger boulders. go. going. gone.
i'm trying my best to understand...and it doesn't help when all i get is silence. it's hard to understand many things that go through someone else's mind and even it's being explained, it can still not be understood..yet, it'd at least feel more justified. even if i don't understand, i can still accept things easier.
because i really don't understand why.
sigh. i'm talking to myself again and it doesn't help. so what? so what?
trying very very very hard to keep my emotions in check. as i try to grapple with the things i don't understand and find so hard to accept.
i hate to sleep and dream of things that either arises out of my fears and are so exaggerated...or dreams that arise out of my hopes...that are also just wishful thinking. why can't my dreams be real? oh because then it won't be called dreams. oh well.
continue building castles in the air...as i try to put off sleeping.
because i really don't understand why.
sigh. i'm talking to myself again and it doesn't help. so what? so what?
trying very very very hard to keep my emotions in check. as i try to grapple with the things i don't understand and find so hard to accept.
i hate to sleep and dream of things that either arises out of my fears and are so exaggerated...or dreams that arise out of my hopes...that are also just wishful thinking. why can't my dreams be real? oh because then it won't be called dreams. oh well.
continue building castles in the air...as i try to put off sleeping.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
fidelity?
everyday i feel a little bit of this and that.
you know somtimes i feel like i'm such a lousy person that it's a chore to be around me...
i've the urge to go to ______.
you know somtimes i feel like i'm such a lousy person that it's a chore to be around me...
i've the urge to go to ______.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
the most hilarious looking dog ever! and this breed is called the little lion dog! HAHHA wtf! if i see it i will think it's a lion lor! HAHAHAHA WTF WTF WTF i can't get
over it.. its soooo cute and funny!!!! =DDD
anw, been reading blogs of mums who blog about their babies...and it got me thinking about how the whole stage of learning how to roll over, sit up, crawl, walk and finally run is just like the many things we learn in life.
we start learning alot of things from scratch and when you look at your learning process, how many of them are filled with positivity and encouragements? a baby's first step to learning is always so desirably cute. even his/her mistakes are cute. when they make a wrong step and fall down, the first thing they do is look up at you. some babies cry when they see your reaction. others smile and laugh...how we do in the later part of our lives rely alot on how we're being brought up...
babies learn to finally walk and run with the endless encouragements of their parents and all their loved ones. even strangers encourage them or take the time to smile at them. yet...in the later part of a baby's life, he faces so many difficulties, sometimes simply because he isn't given enough time to prove that he can succeed in walking and even running...more often than not, we're frowned upon at our slightest mistakes...one wrong step can prove to ruin everything...sometimes it's good to think back on how we're all natural learners and if given the chance and good support, we can all go somewhere.
here's a video on a cute little baby learning how to walk and smiling when she falls down:
your support is what gets me through the end of the day...when things go wrong and when everything seems bleak...you're the pillar of strength i always want to turn to...when i fall down flat and look up to see your smile, i smile and pick myself up again. that's how important you are to my life, my journey and my every waking day.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
i deliberately ignored someone i loved hoping that perhaps it'll be better that way, yet it hurt me more than anything. i'm being stupid.
these days are lonely with people around me hit with the studying fever. nobody's really around. it's hard to find good company. i should be studying, i know but there are times you just wish for someone to be around. it's hard keeping silent the entire day.
this is such a gruelling period of time. next semester will be better. i'll be more on task and slack less. will i?
it's easy to give up on things halfway. more often than not, it's easier to give up than to persevere. but when you look back and think about it, isn't it such a waste. something that you've put in so much effort, time and emotions into just gone like that? but at the wrong moments and when everything comes crashing down on you, you can't find anything to cling onto, you'll think of the bleak things. the devil is ever ready to make you give up and let go.
nothing ever comes easy. and i've been trying too hard. need a break sometimes...
back to those books. and another new colour on my hair tonight. two weeks ago i bleached my hair and had pink streaks. then it faded to an ugly bleached colour. one week ago i cut my hair short, much shorter than before. and today i'm gonna do another round of highlights..hope it turns out nice...=D
looking up, i think the weather's changing for the better, metaphorically wise. little miss sunshine is peeking out of her shelter again...she will be able to shine when mr sun is by her side...
this journey is filled with so many obstacles that try to trip me...i falter sometimes but with your strength i can stand up and walk by you again...there're too many confusion and dilemmas that i face and no matter what happens, i only know that if you're strong by my side, i will be stronger too...
these days are lonely with people around me hit with the studying fever. nobody's really around. it's hard to find good company. i should be studying, i know but there are times you just wish for someone to be around. it's hard keeping silent the entire day.
this is such a gruelling period of time. next semester will be better. i'll be more on task and slack less. will i?
it's easy to give up on things halfway. more often than not, it's easier to give up than to persevere. but when you look back and think about it, isn't it such a waste. something that you've put in so much effort, time and emotions into just gone like that? but at the wrong moments and when everything comes crashing down on you, you can't find anything to cling onto, you'll think of the bleak things. the devil is ever ready to make you give up and let go.
nothing ever comes easy. and i've been trying too hard. need a break sometimes...
back to those books. and another new colour on my hair tonight. two weeks ago i bleached my hair and had pink streaks. then it faded to an ugly bleached colour. one week ago i cut my hair short, much shorter than before. and today i'm gonna do another round of highlights..hope it turns out nice...=D
looking up, i think the weather's changing for the better, metaphorically wise. little miss sunshine is peeking out of her shelter again...she will be able to shine when mr sun is by her side...
this journey is filled with so many obstacles that try to trip me...i falter sometimes but with your strength i can stand up and walk by you again...there're too many confusion and dilemmas that i face and no matter what happens, i only know that if you're strong by my side, i will be stronger too...
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
one by one, people have been asking for this new blog address. no way am i gonna give it to them. especially those nosey parkers! but then again, it is hard to write what i really want to write anymore because there are way too many consequences to think of. and things way beyond my grip that i can't agree with but there's nothing i can do but take it with silence. perhaps it's my own choice that leads to this and there's nothing i can do about it unless i choose otherwise.
it's okay, life is uh okay. yeah it's always okay now. just okay. mundane even? yeah i guess. wonder if i made the right choice. haha. i for one cannot stay in a mundane life. but i'll try. am trying.
it's getting depressing but i shall not go there. the weather seems to be depressed too.
do you know the feeling of being ostracised? and knowing that even the ones you trusted the most is a part of it.
a sudden surge of feelings that i should know better than to write it down but i just need a little outlet.
i'm the greatest actress of all times. and i will learn to be better.
it's okay, life is uh okay. yeah it's always okay now. just okay. mundane even? yeah i guess. wonder if i made the right choice. haha. i for one cannot stay in a mundane life. but i'll try. am trying.
it's getting depressing but i shall not go there. the weather seems to be depressed too.
do you know the feeling of being ostracised? and knowing that even the ones you trusted the most is a part of it.
a sudden surge of feelings that i should know better than to write it down but i just need a little outlet.
i'm the greatest actress of all times. and i will learn to be better.
Friday, November 7, 2008
holding you, holding you, holding you tonight
Tonight
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you, I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight
Time
i remember the day you said goodbye, something was calling you i could read it in your eyes. you told me that someday we'd meet again. but deep inside i always knew this was the end. i remember those words you claimed as i stood in the pouring and i'm sure my heart will never be the same.
so many songs. so much emotions. listening to those classic melodies. tunes that move along with time and never grow old. as times change, our lands lose their rural charm and technology takes over our lives, people adapt and they change with time. yet. love is as old as it's new. every song, speaks volumes of the lives people used to lead. and they still tell of our lives like it's just yesterday.
everything's fine. everything's good. so why do i feel like there's something missing, something missing, something missing in my life? there are times i feel like a trapped little bird. the world's a huge expanse of endlessness. yet i'm a little bird trapped in my little cage. set me free.
there's so much more to life than this little cage. when will i discover those beautiful oceans and exotic seas?
it's stifling. the expectations of our over-modernised society is stifling. breathe. we all need to remember to breathe lest we die a premature death.
the worst thing to feel along the way is fear. the fear of failing. by having this fear. you have already failed. have i?
do you ever look to the future? what do you see?
The way you look tonight
There was a time
I was everything and nothing all in one
When you found me
I was feeling like a cloud across the sun
But in the moonlight
You just shine like a beacon on the bay
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you, I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight
Time
i remember the day you said goodbye, something was calling you i could read it in your eyes. you told me that someday we'd meet again. but deep inside i always knew this was the end. i remember those words you claimed as i stood in the pouring and i'm sure my heart will never be the same.
so many songs. so much emotions. listening to those classic melodies. tunes that move along with time and never grow old. as times change, our lands lose their rural charm and technology takes over our lives, people adapt and they change with time. yet. love is as old as it's new. every song, speaks volumes of the lives people used to lead. and they still tell of our lives like it's just yesterday.
everything's fine. everything's good. so why do i feel like there's something missing, something missing, something missing in my life? there are times i feel like a trapped little bird. the world's a huge expanse of endlessness. yet i'm a little bird trapped in my little cage. set me free.
there's so much more to life than this little cage. when will i discover those beautiful oceans and exotic seas?
it's stifling. the expectations of our over-modernised society is stifling. breathe. we all need to remember to breathe lest we die a premature death.
the worst thing to feel along the way is fear. the fear of failing. by having this fear. you have already failed. have i?
do you ever look to the future? what do you see?
The way you look tonight
There was a time
I was everything and nothing all in one
When you found me
I was feeling like a cloud across the sun
But in the moonlight
You just shine like a beacon on the bay
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
goodbye to you my trusted friend
we've known each other since we were nine or ten
together we climbed hills and trees
learned the love and abcs
skinned our hearts and skinned our knees
goodbye my friend
it's hard to die
i often ask myself questions. they may be directly related to myself or they could also be indirectly related to me and the things around me. do we seek answers to our questions? sometimes we do. often we don't. we like to ask. but we don't like to know the answer.
are you happy?
often times when we ask a loaded question, it comes back with a loaded answer. some answers are partial, some are superficial, some are hollow, others are lies. what do we do with those answers anyway. actually when we ask ourselves questions regarding certain issues, what we seek isn't the answers. it is the solution. and more often than not, if we resort to asking ourselves questions, we can't find any solution or that the solution cannot be worked out or that it takes more than anything to work it out.
what am i talking about? it's 2am and i'm hell tired.
there have been insecurities over a few words, fear over some actions. and it takes so much more to tear down the wall that has been built up higher and higher around me.
as you experience more and more in life, you realise how fragile your heart can be and you just wish you could hold it in your own hands but most of the time it's your own hands you can't trust.
it's reaching midweek of a nightmarish week and it's not even really started yet.
we'll get there.
we've known each other since we were nine or ten
together we climbed hills and trees
learned the love and abcs
skinned our hearts and skinned our knees
goodbye my friend
it's hard to die
i often ask myself questions. they may be directly related to myself or they could also be indirectly related to me and the things around me. do we seek answers to our questions? sometimes we do. often we don't. we like to ask. but we don't like to know the answer.
are you happy?
often times when we ask a loaded question, it comes back with a loaded answer. some answers are partial, some are superficial, some are hollow, others are lies. what do we do with those answers anyway. actually when we ask ourselves questions regarding certain issues, what we seek isn't the answers. it is the solution. and more often than not, if we resort to asking ourselves questions, we can't find any solution or that the solution cannot be worked out or that it takes more than anything to work it out.
what am i talking about? it's 2am and i'm hell tired.
there have been insecurities over a few words, fear over some actions. and it takes so much more to tear down the wall that has been built up higher and higher around me.
as you experience more and more in life, you realise how fragile your heart can be and you just wish you could hold it in your own hands but most of the time it's your own hands you can't trust.
it's reaching midweek of a nightmarish week and it's not even really started yet.
we'll get there.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
thoughts on love
it all starts with a little saccharine feeling in your heart and it creeps up and warms you up more and more. eye contact. slowly but surely you feel more attached. and then you start to hold hands. share a first kiss. have conversations that dwells on the future. a future. you become closer than friends. and even closer so.
and if it were a straight relationship, the courtship ends in a relationship. some are short, some are longer. some can't wait to get married. others wait a little longer. and then it comes to marriage. giving your life to someone and knowing that this counts to something bigger than life. you go on a honeymoon together. there's an end to the courtship and boyfriendgirlfriendship. you're no longer a dating couple. it's a new beginning. a honeymoon period begins again.
and then it's time to have kids. you're right at the beginning together again. starting something new. and your kids grow older. and you begin another something together. and then they grow old and support you. you begin another honeymoon period together. sharing a blissful dependent life now. and you grow old together.
a cycle. repetitions of new beginnings.
so in a gay relationship. it begins on a friendship to a courtship to a relationship. and then. what happens? how do you stay together when it gets older and rusty? what new beginnings are you going to share? or do you slowly drift apart?
and if it were a straight relationship, the courtship ends in a relationship. some are short, some are longer. some can't wait to get married. others wait a little longer. and then it comes to marriage. giving your life to someone and knowing that this counts to something bigger than life. you go on a honeymoon together. there's an end to the courtship and boyfriendgirlfriendship. you're no longer a dating couple. it's a new beginning. a honeymoon period begins again.
and then it's time to have kids. you're right at the beginning together again. starting something new. and your kids grow older. and you begin another something together. and then they grow old and support you. you begin another honeymoon period together. sharing a blissful dependent life now. and you grow old together.
a cycle. repetitions of new beginnings.
so in a gay relationship. it begins on a friendship to a courtship to a relationship. and then. what happens? how do you stay together when it gets older and rusty? what new beginnings are you going to share? or do you slowly drift apart?
coke at 1am in the morning. cravings. bliss. coke is the new redbull, it gives you wings. huge wings that make you fly. i love coke. i can't live without coke. it's like a drug.
i really really dread exams. this is the period of time where mild regrets set in as i remember the times i slack and miss classes or sleep in class, not listening. and now i have so much to catch up on. and then the mildness becomes greater and greater and i become depressed because i think i'm such an idiot to be such a slacker. i hate exams. give me assignments x 99 anytime and i rather do 100 essays than do an exam. seriously. i do better in assignments. exams are for people who have good brains to absorb things like sponge. not me. i'm smart. i don't need to memorise HAHAHA.
rants at 1.30am. i'm lookin at my "waiting for godot" notes at this moment and gulping down a red can of coke. wooohooo...love coke. and i'm eating this rice cake thing that's filled with sticky honey and raisins..WOOHOO.. i duper love these orbit rice cakes shit. haha. i'm an orbit person.
sigggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...actually i'm really afraid of examinations. it's the one greatest fear in my life. i hated it during Os cos i thought i'd fail and do badly and be malu-ated all my life but i got through it...den came stupid JC exams which i hated to the core. can anyone pls give me a good reason why we must study those cheeeem jc maths and cheeeem chemistry (oso don wanna be chemist) and cheeeeem geography (so boliao study how the sand become rocks i dont like la boring all these take millions of years lor walaoooo) and i loved econs but i did the worst in it...just like how i loved lit in cedar but did worst in it for Os and spoilt my straight As. HAHA. wtf. i have no potential to do the things i love but i just love to do them and that's why i'm doing lit in uni and i hope i don't fail HAHA..
OK CAN U TELL I'M DAMN FREAKING PISSED OFF BY MY NOTES AND I HATE STUDYING AND I WANNA PULL ALL MY HAIR OUT NOW?? =( SOBSSSS!!
wake me up...when november endssss....
i really really dread exams. this is the period of time where mild regrets set in as i remember the times i slack and miss classes or sleep in class, not listening. and now i have so much to catch up on. and then the mildness becomes greater and greater and i become depressed because i think i'm such an idiot to be such a slacker. i hate exams. give me assignments x 99 anytime and i rather do 100 essays than do an exam. seriously. i do better in assignments. exams are for people who have good brains to absorb things like sponge. not me. i'm smart. i don't need to memorise HAHAHA.
rants at 1.30am. i'm lookin at my "waiting for godot" notes at this moment and gulping down a red can of coke. wooohooo...love coke. and i'm eating this rice cake thing that's filled with sticky honey and raisins..WOOHOO.. i duper love these orbit rice cakes shit. haha. i'm an orbit person.
sigggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...actually i'm really afraid of examinations. it's the one greatest fear in my life. i hated it during Os cos i thought i'd fail and do badly and be malu-ated all my life but i got through it...den came stupid JC exams which i hated to the core. can anyone pls give me a good reason why we must study those cheeeem jc maths and cheeeem chemistry (oso don wanna be chemist) and cheeeeem geography (so boliao study how the sand become rocks i dont like la boring all these take millions of years lor walaoooo) and i loved econs but i did the worst in it...just like how i loved lit in cedar but did worst in it for Os and spoilt my straight As. HAHA. wtf. i have no potential to do the things i love but i just love to do them and that's why i'm doing lit in uni and i hope i don't fail HAHA..
OK CAN U TELL I'M DAMN FREAKING PISSED OFF BY MY NOTES AND I HATE STUDYING AND I WANNA PULL ALL MY HAIR OUT NOW?? =( SOBSSSS!!
wake me up...when november endssss....
Sunday, November 2, 2008
i HATE road bullies. this @#$#%^$%^$#@$@$! uncle accused my dad of causing a dent in his car at the carpark and claimed that his wife saw it and sat there and waited for us to come back...FCUKKKKK! hello..who in the right mind would be SOOOO bloody nice to sit there and witness someone dent your car and still wait for you to finish your dinner b4 they approach you huh?!
AND! he said we left blue paint on his mirror when our car door CAN'T EVEN MEET HIS MIRROR. no contact. and the dent...can only be caused if we force the door past the lower part of his car and would have caused a MUCH bigger dent first before that..and the wife claimed that she heard a LOUD BANG!
i told her..a LOUD BANG would not cause a SMALL DENT hellooo wake up your idea! neh neh pok.!!!
seriously i got so pissed that i whipped out my camera and on the video mode and just in time caught his shouting at me SHUT UP I TELL YOU...YOU SHUT UP! den i said now you're shoutin at me and i filmed it down..he said..SO WHAT I CAN SHOUT AT YOU ALL I WANT I CAN SHOUT NOW! hahaha stupid.
den aft that he realised he lost cos i got video against him plus a passer by who witnessed for us captured in the video.. the passerby said that we can't have possibly left the paint on his car if our car cant even come into contact with his. and he faster drove off mumbling that he will get his insurance agent. stupid.
STUPID LOR! i can't believe it!!!
BLOODY SHIT! GUYS GUYS GUYS! GOOOO DIE!
AND! he said we left blue paint on his mirror when our car door CAN'T EVEN MEET HIS MIRROR. no contact. and the dent...can only be caused if we force the door past the lower part of his car and would have caused a MUCH bigger dent first before that..and the wife claimed that she heard a LOUD BANG!
i told her..a LOUD BANG would not cause a SMALL DENT hellooo wake up your idea! neh neh pok.!!!
seriously i got so pissed that i whipped out my camera and on the video mode and just in time caught his shouting at me SHUT UP I TELL YOU...YOU SHUT UP! den i said now you're shoutin at me and i filmed it down..he said..SO WHAT I CAN SHOUT AT YOU ALL I WANT I CAN SHOUT NOW! hahaha stupid.
den aft that he realised he lost cos i got video against him plus a passer by who witnessed for us captured in the video.. the passerby said that we can't have possibly left the paint on his car if our car cant even come into contact with his. and he faster drove off mumbling that he will get his insurance agent. stupid.
STUPID LOR! i can't believe it!!!
BLOODY SHIT! GUYS GUYS GUYS! GOOOO DIE!
Friday, October 31, 2008
beautiful girl
i don't know
if i am the one for you in this life
i can't help
hearing my voice calling your name
cos when i'm
trying so hard not to look in your eyes
maybe i
have fallen in love with you
i can't so describe how i;m feeling deep inside
so much more than i can say
with your touch it feels so right
oh my you're so near
allt he time in this place
for i know in my heart
i will never let you go
in this lifetime
do you know why
oh baby
cos you're just so beautiful to me
well tonight
maybe this time i can hear you breathe
it's alive
to see you smile with those tears in your eyes
they may say
that you're just a girl in this spinning world
in my heart
you're like the world to me
touch my hand
feel my heart
hold me close and you'll find me
you'll find me
you're so beautiful to me
if i am the one for you in this life
i can't help
hearing my voice calling your name
cos when i'm
trying so hard not to look in your eyes
maybe i
have fallen in love with you
i can't so describe how i;m feeling deep inside
so much more than i can say
with your touch it feels so right
oh my you're so near
allt he time in this place
for i know in my heart
i will never let you go
in this lifetime
do you know why
oh baby
cos you're just so beautiful to me
well tonight
maybe this time i can hear you breathe
it's alive
to see you smile with those tears in your eyes
they may say
that you're just a girl in this spinning world
in my heart
you're like the world to me
touch my hand
feel my heart
hold me close and you'll find me
you'll find me
you're so beautiful to me
focus
today i got to know ayeeeeen better. she's lame and she likes to ask me to eat. =P yes yes i will eat captain! HAHA! also got to know soak and yoke peng better. never realised how humourous they can be. quite funny in the car! HAHA!
friendly was fun...!!! could have done better here and there but i did my best...last period tyre punctured..sian! I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT! i blocked a damn nice shot from my own defender siannnnz! =XxXxXxXxX
super happy though cos i got A+ for my HW101 essay like OMG WOW!!! =D weeet weeet!
HAHAHA. okay this is a super thrashy blog entry cos its 1am now and my adrenaline is still rushing though my eyes are so tired and i'm waiting for that dearest bummy to call me so that i can sleeep!!!
GOODNIGHT!
friendly was fun...!!! could have done better here and there but i did my best...last period tyre punctured..sian! I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT! i blocked a damn nice shot from my own defender siannnnz! =XxXxXxXxX
super happy though cos i got A+ for my HW101 essay like OMG WOW!!! =D weeet weeet!
HAHAHA. okay this is a super thrashy blog entry cos its 1am now and my adrenaline is still rushing though my eyes are so tired and i'm waiting for that dearest bummy to call me so that i can sleeep!!!
GOODNIGHT!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
premonition. do we act on our premonition, try to hard to prevent what is to come and end up getting to the end quicker than it would have been? or is it that no matter what we do, the premonition will still come true?
sometimes we try too hard. when i had no pressure, no inferiority complex, nothing, i could do the things i never thought i could have done. but when the pressure comes and you're expected to be such, that's when you begin to realise your failures. and it gets worse.
guess i gotta just relax and be focused on trying my best. giving myself too much pressure. thinking too much. too afraid. lost my confidence.
there are incidences and experiences in life that shape your future. they can be related or unrelated. small or big. sometimes we think the big incidents leave big scars in our lives but more often than not, big incidents have to be faced. they are things that you can't run away from and when you face up to them, they can only make you better. it's the small things. the little things that you push away. that you think nothing of. little by little they exist somewhere in you and they shape your thinking and your emotions.
i know i'm better than this. i wish i could be at the start all over again. when everything was easy. everything was fun. it is easy to improve when there's nothing to your credit. but when you begin to achieve things, it is so easy to disappoint.
focused. i need to be focused.
i've found my motivation. very motivating..
sometimes we try too hard. when i had no pressure, no inferiority complex, nothing, i could do the things i never thought i could have done. but when the pressure comes and you're expected to be such, that's when you begin to realise your failures. and it gets worse.
guess i gotta just relax and be focused on trying my best. giving myself too much pressure. thinking too much. too afraid. lost my confidence.
there are incidences and experiences in life that shape your future. they can be related or unrelated. small or big. sometimes we think the big incidents leave big scars in our lives but more often than not, big incidents have to be faced. they are things that you can't run away from and when you face up to them, they can only make you better. it's the small things. the little things that you push away. that you think nothing of. little by little they exist somewhere in you and they shape your thinking and your emotions.
i know i'm better than this. i wish i could be at the start all over again. when everything was easy. everything was fun. it is easy to improve when there's nothing to your credit. but when you begin to achieve things, it is so easy to disappoint.
focused. i need to be focused.
i've found my motivation. very motivating..
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
no i'm not gone. i'm still here.
past few days have been sinful fun. no work and all play. makes cheryl a sinful girl?
i like the word momentarily. it's almost like a frozen moment. a moment when time stands still for a fraction of a second and the emotions rush all over you and you push them away and regain consciousness as time begins again.
life's a splash when you jump right in, says 7up. i jumped right into life too many times and i realised something. life's not only a splash if you jump right in not knowing how to swim. you will just thrash around in the waters and either end up drowning or waiting for someone to save you. i got saved. a few times. and i think it's time i learnt how to swim before jumping in for a splash.
i really need to train up my fitness. it's like shit. seriously. the last friendly on sat i played like shit. i knew where to run. i knew what to do. i knew how to shield. but. i couldn't even reach the ball cos i was too tired to run.. =( what happened? i don't know if it's because i didn't eat at all or because my fitness really deproved that badly. sigh. got warned by jill. i could be cut from the ivp team. that really really sucks. really ='( please be my motivation....i'm tired..
anw, to all those people having exams now, or studying for the upcoming exams, all the best! don't procrastinate like me, just DO IT! special shout-out for jolene: jolene GOH GO GO! hhaha! yes the pun was intended...thanks for always being there for me in all the bad times. =D (cute smiley for you hehe!)
ms fiona choo. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
love ya all. yea, if you manage to read here, you are special to me. hahaha...laters.
past few days have been sinful fun. no work and all play. makes cheryl a sinful girl?
i like the word momentarily. it's almost like a frozen moment. a moment when time stands still for a fraction of a second and the emotions rush all over you and you push them away and regain consciousness as time begins again.
life's a splash when you jump right in, says 7up. i jumped right into life too many times and i realised something. life's not only a splash if you jump right in not knowing how to swim. you will just thrash around in the waters and either end up drowning or waiting for someone to save you. i got saved. a few times. and i think it's time i learnt how to swim before jumping in for a splash.
i really need to train up my fitness. it's like shit. seriously. the last friendly on sat i played like shit. i knew where to run. i knew what to do. i knew how to shield. but. i couldn't even reach the ball cos i was too tired to run.. =( what happened? i don't know if it's because i didn't eat at all or because my fitness really deproved that badly. sigh. got warned by jill. i could be cut from the ivp team. that really really sucks. really ='( please be my motivation....i'm tired..
anw, to all those people having exams now, or studying for the upcoming exams, all the best! don't procrastinate like me, just DO IT! special shout-out for jolene: jolene GOH GO GO! hhaha! yes the pun was intended...thanks for always being there for me in all the bad times. =D (cute smiley for you hehe!)
ms fiona choo. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
love ya all. yea, if you manage to read here, you are special to me. hahaha...laters.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
18 months ago
if i had a choice, i will choose to be with you all over again.
we never ran out of words to say and we never ran dry of our emotions. so many times, so many tries. nothing ever comes easy.
i love the way you look at me, when you laugh at everything i say on the webcam. i love the way you sing, without a care in the world. i love the way your arms fit around me. and your soft breathing when you sleep. i love the way you forget things because it makes you almost childlike.
i don't know what you might think of me, after all these fights. but i want you to know that each time i made you upset because i was upset, hurts me more than you ever knew. every single thing i do, was never meant to hurt you. and i know i unknowingly did, it stabs me way too deep.
i was once your perfect girl. the one you wished to love for life. now you know i'm not perfect, but you must know, nobody ever is. all i know is i gave you my best, and better is what i can only become.
all these months we spent together, i'm so glad we've made it here. you're endearing and ever so desirable...you must know.
and 18 months ago, i gave my heart away. today it's still taken and it's all still yours to hold.
words are cheap, sorries don't mean nothing. but i know you know you must know...that you're cherished, loved and you'll always be my number 1.
happy 18 months!
we never ran out of words to say and we never ran dry of our emotions. so many times, so many tries. nothing ever comes easy.
i love the way you look at me, when you laugh at everything i say on the webcam. i love the way you sing, without a care in the world. i love the way your arms fit around me. and your soft breathing when you sleep. i love the way you forget things because it makes you almost childlike.
i don't know what you might think of me, after all these fights. but i want you to know that each time i made you upset because i was upset, hurts me more than you ever knew. every single thing i do, was never meant to hurt you. and i know i unknowingly did, it stabs me way too deep.
i was once your perfect girl. the one you wished to love for life. now you know i'm not perfect, but you must know, nobody ever is. all i know is i gave you my best, and better is what i can only become.
all these months we spent together, i'm so glad we've made it here. you're endearing and ever so desirable...you must know.
and 18 months ago, i gave my heart away. today it's still taken and it's all still yours to hold.
words are cheap, sorries don't mean nothing. but i know you know you must know...that you're cherished, loved and you'll always be my number 1.
happy 18 months!
The Downfall of Pride
a fruitful training tonight though i wasn't really performing. every training since the first one at ntu, i learn something and i think that's most important. like what i said, i love trainings though we've yet to really gel together that well yet but what i love most is the humility here. i love how even the best player in the team is so willing to give her all and help weaker players regardless of who they are. i'm really honoured to play with people like serena and shanti, even the rest who are newer to floorball than i am. cos they really are there because they just want to play floorball. nothing else.
jill told us today how her ite boys lost the match against rp. a team of talented players against a team of not as good but committed players. it's pride that caused their downfall, she told us. and i can't agree more. it is always okay to be proud of who you are but having too much pride just doesn't work. but i still don't agree with the ban on ISG(inter-school games) though i know where they're coming from. sadly, we can't always have everything we want in our lives, even when we excel in doing them.
serena taught me how to pass properly today. after so many years of floorball, my basics are still not perfect. and i was quite amazed by the hard passes that i could connect with and pass back straight away. i feel like i was empowered with a magic stick or something.. =b
a good teacher nurtures good students. a student can be all willing to learn but a teacher who is all willing to teach will learn together with the student and the student will have the best learning experience ever.
i'm really excited about ivp now. i can't wait to play and just have a team that counts. i'm so new yet i am beginning to feel a sense of belonging. =D
adrenaline coursing through my bloodstream, i just can't stop raving about training..haha!
the day begun well and i hope it goes well and ends well...
i think i'm beginning to shed a little more of my defenses and learn to stand on my own two feet a little more.
i must thank janice and pris for the talk, it really helped me!
jan told me to learn to be independent...
if you can stand on your own two feet without depending on her, you will eventually live well with or without her...
very, very true. not easy, but very very true. now each time i feel like i need more, i will remind myself that i can stand on my own two feet and i will be happy no matter what.
lots and lots of thoughts running through my head now...
gonna write a more emotional post later...for a very special person =b
jill told us today how her ite boys lost the match against rp. a team of talented players against a team of not as good but committed players. it's pride that caused their downfall, she told us. and i can't agree more. it is always okay to be proud of who you are but having too much pride just doesn't work. but i still don't agree with the ban on ISG(inter-school games) though i know where they're coming from. sadly, we can't always have everything we want in our lives, even when we excel in doing them.
serena taught me how to pass properly today. after so many years of floorball, my basics are still not perfect. and i was quite amazed by the hard passes that i could connect with and pass back straight away. i feel like i was empowered with a magic stick or something.. =b
a good teacher nurtures good students. a student can be all willing to learn but a teacher who is all willing to teach will learn together with the student and the student will have the best learning experience ever.
i'm really excited about ivp now. i can't wait to play and just have a team that counts. i'm so new yet i am beginning to feel a sense of belonging. =D
adrenaline coursing through my bloodstream, i just can't stop raving about training..haha!
the day begun well and i hope it goes well and ends well...
i think i'm beginning to shed a little more of my defenses and learn to stand on my own two feet a little more.
i must thank janice and pris for the talk, it really helped me!
jan told me to learn to be independent...
if you can stand on your own two feet without depending on her, you will eventually live well with or without her...
very, very true. not easy, but very very true. now each time i feel like i need more, i will remind myself that i can stand on my own two feet and i will be happy no matter what.
lots and lots of thoughts running through my head now...
gonna write a more emotional post later...for a very special person =b
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
when i look into your eyes
i see forever
when i look in your eyes
you're all i ever wanted
always want you to be mine
let's make a promise
till the end of time
we'll always be together
and our love will never die
so here we are face to face and heart to heart
i want you to know we will never be apart
now i believe that wishes can come true
cos i see my whole world
i see only you
when i look into you eyes
i can see how much i love you
and it makes me realise
when i look into your eyes
i see all my dreams come true
when i look into your eyes
when i look in your eyes
you're all i ever wanted
always want you to be mine
let's make a promise
till the end of time
we'll always be together
and our love will never die
so here we are face to face and heart to heart
i want you to know we will never be apart
now i believe that wishes can come true
cos i see my whole world
i see only you
when i look into you eyes
i can see how much i love you
and it makes me realise
when i look into your eyes
i see all my dreams come true
when i look into your eyes
Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
-not
really, in the world that we're in right now, we find ourselves apologising all the time. we step on someone's shoe on the cramped mrt train and we mutter sorry. we forget our books because we were rushing our essays the night before and to our tutors we say sorry. we are sorry for everything. no actually we're not.
sorry is not sorry anymore. sorry is just a word. like okay. ya. nod. mmmm. it's a transition word without any meaning. anyone agrees with me?
i don't know why i'm talking bout that, perhaps there are too many apologies in our lives and a new word to replace sorry needs to be invented. so that when we say "i am sorry"...we are really sorry.
okay, cranky mood down here cos i've just finished the worst essay of the year.
cranky mood upped a notch because today i failed my TP the 3rd time.
cranky mood upped another notch because i'm so tired now.
cranky mood down down downed.
because i just received some really sweet messages on facebook and it made me day/night/midnight.
okay i should crash.
i am not sorry haha.
really, in the world that we're in right now, we find ourselves apologising all the time. we step on someone's shoe on the cramped mrt train and we mutter sorry. we forget our books because we were rushing our essays the night before and to our tutors we say sorry. we are sorry for everything. no actually we're not.
sorry is not sorry anymore. sorry is just a word. like okay. ya. nod. mmmm. it's a transition word without any meaning. anyone agrees with me?
i don't know why i'm talking bout that, perhaps there are too many apologies in our lives and a new word to replace sorry needs to be invented. so that when we say "i am sorry"...we are really sorry.
okay, cranky mood down here cos i've just finished the worst essay of the year.
cranky mood upped a notch because today i failed my TP the 3rd time.
cranky mood upped another notch because i'm so tired now.
cranky mood down down downed.
because i just received some really sweet messages on facebook and it made me day/night/midnight.
okay i should crash.
i am not sorry haha.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Odour of Chrysanthemums
this is my last resort.
i never wished to privatise my blog. it is in fact, against my better wishes. i finally understand why people start doing this. even the best people in my life, the nicest ones who always gave their best to people and thought the nicest things of people who hurt them start to privatise their blogs. they start to keep their lives private. i finally understand why.
the world has evolved so fast. perhaps to people in our generation or a tight age group understand this fundamental need of blogging. how in our era emotions are strung high and we have been taught to have a voice. a voice that represents our right. even if its against the majority. we need to have a voice. yet we fail to realise that just a few years before us, they probably were taught to keep their mouths shut.
everything that i type on my blog is so serious in their eyes. even a casual remark become an accusation. while we've failed to realise the seriousness of what we've been typing about, they have failed to realise how we need this as an outlet. our lives are different from them. we live in an era that we cannot afford to make mistakes. we have to be good at everything. we have to be good at things we don't want to be good at. and we really really need an outlet.
our words don't seek to hurt anyone. neither do they seek to blame or threaten anyone. more often than not, the action of typing here makes us feel so much better. we could have felt like committing murder just awhile ago but after typing, we feel like we can move on. and yet, we cannot even have the freedom of typing anything down without thinking about how it will make us seem like idiots and that we're self piteous fools. we are not. but people judge us. because they read without a heart that understands.
i feel so upset now because i'm leaving the blog that held so much memories for me. it is like trying to leave a part of my life behind. but i know i will get over it.
i tried to be the best but i did it the wrong way. i realised my mistakes and i'm trying to do it the right way now. yet i'm judged for it. i can't even blog about my struggles.
you know how precious those bloggings are..when i look back and learn about how i struggled through difficult times and come out stronger? no, they don't know. they think we're angsty kids trying to kick up a great big fuss. but we always blog about it and vent it all out and we move on and learn. yet they don't see it. they only see what we do in that very moment. we're encased with our words. because they don't see our learning process. they only see that we're wrong. we're wrong. we're wrong.
we're honest about our feelings. is that wrong?
and after all, this has not the slightest thing to do with them at all. yet we're judged. just because we blog about it. they read it. and it becomes their problem. it's not. it really is not. it's my problem. my own problem. please, leave me alone.
i can't blame them. they're brought up to be like that. but they can't blame us. we're brought up like this.
so from now on, whoever reads here, please remember, you're reading this because you're my friend. because i know you understand. because i know you won't judge me. and if you do, please self-censor, self-exuent, do whatever you wanna do, but don't read anymore. if it affects you into any action or feel that you're obliged to do anything to me, against me, for me. don't do it. because i don't need it.
thank you very much.
i never wished to privatise my blog. it is in fact, against my better wishes. i finally understand why people start doing this. even the best people in my life, the nicest ones who always gave their best to people and thought the nicest things of people who hurt them start to privatise their blogs. they start to keep their lives private. i finally understand why.
the world has evolved so fast. perhaps to people in our generation or a tight age group understand this fundamental need of blogging. how in our era emotions are strung high and we have been taught to have a voice. a voice that represents our right. even if its against the majority. we need to have a voice. yet we fail to realise that just a few years before us, they probably were taught to keep their mouths shut.
everything that i type on my blog is so serious in their eyes. even a casual remark become an accusation. while we've failed to realise the seriousness of what we've been typing about, they have failed to realise how we need this as an outlet. our lives are different from them. we live in an era that we cannot afford to make mistakes. we have to be good at everything. we have to be good at things we don't want to be good at. and we really really need an outlet.
our words don't seek to hurt anyone. neither do they seek to blame or threaten anyone. more often than not, the action of typing here makes us feel so much better. we could have felt like committing murder just awhile ago but after typing, we feel like we can move on. and yet, we cannot even have the freedom of typing anything down without thinking about how it will make us seem like idiots and that we're self piteous fools. we are not. but people judge us. because they read without a heart that understands.
i feel so upset now because i'm leaving the blog that held so much memories for me. it is like trying to leave a part of my life behind. but i know i will get over it.
i tried to be the best but i did it the wrong way. i realised my mistakes and i'm trying to do it the right way now. yet i'm judged for it. i can't even blog about my struggles.
you know how precious those bloggings are..when i look back and learn about how i struggled through difficult times and come out stronger? no, they don't know. they think we're angsty kids trying to kick up a great big fuss. but we always blog about it and vent it all out and we move on and learn. yet they don't see it. they only see what we do in that very moment. we're encased with our words. because they don't see our learning process. they only see that we're wrong. we're wrong. we're wrong.
we're honest about our feelings. is that wrong?
and after all, this has not the slightest thing to do with them at all. yet we're judged. just because we blog about it. they read it. and it becomes their problem. it's not. it really is not. it's my problem. my own problem. please, leave me alone.
i can't blame them. they're brought up to be like that. but they can't blame us. we're brought up like this.
so from now on, whoever reads here, please remember, you're reading this because you're my friend. because i know you understand. because i know you won't judge me. and if you do, please self-censor, self-exuent, do whatever you wanna do, but don't read anymore. if it affects you into any action or feel that you're obliged to do anything to me, against me, for me. don't do it. because i don't need it.
thank you very much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
