when you let the control you have slip through your fingers. when you lose control. and you know that it's beyond you...and you know that you could've helped but you can't. not anymore. you feel the pain sink into the pits of your stomach. so heavy. yet helpless. there's no use in trying. anymore.

I miss you. How have you been? Does he make you happy? Does he call you baby? Sleep soon or you'd be late for school. How are things at home? Do you even remember who I am? Have you really forgotten everything? Does our past haunt you? Do you stay up thinking what might have been and should have been? Why is it so easy for you? Is he really so much better than me? Do you remember those letters you wrote for me? Remember those ice cream sticks that you gave me? I read all of them just now. You wrote on each and every stick the reason why you loved me. So sweet right? But I didn't appreciate it then. I'm sorry, I know I should not be looking at them but I couldn't help it. At least, I did not text you or talk to you on MSN. Do you know how hard it is to stop myself from texting you and calling you? I hope I never drunk-dial you. Since you have him, I should find another too right? But it's not that easy for me. Because my mind only thinks of you and my heart... can't forget you. Do you know of the pain I go through everyday? Do you know how zombie-like I've become? How I just don't feel like talking to anyone? Don't you miss us? Probably not. I was such a pain in the ass. I feel so stupid. I know putting all this down is just going to push you further into his arms. Have you ever felt so helpless that you'd do anything to make things right? But then again, what I think is right, may be wrong to you. Have you ever felt like it was so hard to breathe? Does he sleep on my side of your bed? Does he switch off the lights for you? Does he help you with the pimple cream? Does he cuddle you to sleep? Does he hold your hand, hold you as tightly as I did on that night? Do you call him every night before you sleep? It really kills me to think of you with him. I don't think you know that. I don't think you know how much I loved you. How much I changed after everything bad that happened. How much I learnt to loved you. How much I learnt to treasure you. I really felt like I could love you forever.

from a friend's blog...and it opened a door that i tried to keep shut all these while...i can't find the words to say to you but i don't know....maybe someday we can still hang out together..

i don't get it. when you're probably one of the main causes of a bad history for somebody and yet you can hang around and ask someone to not let history repeat itself and write their own history. it's precisely buggers like you who bring people with such gentle minds down upon themselves. you indulge in your selfish desires, be it a materialistic one or a really superficial kind of enjoyment that only people like you can follow through with without it bugging your consciences. you know, karma really exists?

there's nothing i can say nothing i can do nothing to make you feel any better. i know. i have broken the biggest and warmest heart that has pledged itself to beat for me, day and night. reason being? i was tired of repetition. repetition of faults and pain and hurt and the same old nightmares haunting me even when i shut my eyes for forty winks. nightmares. sounds puny and silly to you doesn't it? you don't understand. you don't understand what these people have done to me. to us. to you. the inflicted wounds never fully heal and they are being wounded, again and again. and i cannot i just cannot go through all of it again.

being sorry is an understatement. pain is a permanently subdued devil. it exists. all the time. but it takes the form of an angel. i am happy. yes i am. i am sad. yes i am. i hurt. yes i do. do you know you can actually feel all these emotions at once?

you've been the best. i can't ask for more. circumstances strapped us to a roller coaster ride which i cannot take. i don't have the guts and the stomach for it. i tried. there were side effects. i kept trying. but i keep throwing up. i can't take it anymore.

you were so good. you deserve the best. if you thought i was the best, i am sorry, this is perhaps reason to tell you that maybe i am not. maybe i am not as good as you always thought i was. maybe deep down inside i have never really dared to love you fully because i tried once, twice, thrice before and it has hurt too damn badly.

i miss you. i do. but there are certain things that we can only miss and always miss but they can never come back to us again.

if you think i didn't try hard enough, let me tell you, i tried too hard. if you think i lied to you, let me tell you, i lied to myself too much. if you think that whatever happened was because i was weak, let me tell you, i've never been stronger and i will never let myself stoop to such a weak level to be at the mercy of those demonic friends ever again. i have learnt too harshly a lesson and the price has been paid. i am sorry.

you once said that they are lousy friends. i wonder if you'd be strong enough to kick your lousy friends away and be true to yourself. know who your true friends are. know how much others care for you.

and i will always care for you the way i always did. if you can only turn around and look past the commitment that bound us. we shared so much. we know each other so well, do you really want to watch it all go down the drain?

take care, i will always be here.

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

nothing ever stays the same...

you're invited on the journey of my life; which seat would you take?

okay anw, advert time! do visit the following lj, it's my dearest sister's blogshop..it's new and it's really not bad! do give her your support!

http://d-knees.livejournal.com/

=D

爱你很好真的很好
你知道什么是我想要
当被你拥抱
我甚至想不出有什么是我所缺少

早餐做好衬衫烫好
让我看来是你的骄傲
你从不吵闹
但是这安静的生活
使我想逃

想看远一些想走远一点
我不甘心就这样让一切停下来
假装这是所谓的永远

也许我是将风溶解在血中的男子
也许我是天生习惯自私
你用温柔和真挚
面对我在爱里放肆的样子

也许我是将风溶解在血中的男子
也许我是天生崇拜追逐
当你将疑虑装得若无其事
请原谅我
像风一样的男子

the skies were so blue and so was the sea...
and then there was you...

we're going away to a place where the stars will always shine for us and never will there be a cloud in the sky.