it's been such a long long day...from yesterday, i stayed up till 3am doing my laundry and tried my bestest to hurry to bed cos had to wake up at 7am for SIM 3-on-3 from 9am-6pm...turns out that i couldn't find sleep, or sleep just wouldn't find me and i tossed and turned till about 5plus before falling into a fitful, nightmarish sleep. =( imagine how i felt when i woke up 2 hours later...sobs!

turns out that out of 3 of my 3-0n-3 teammates, sheryl & veron slept beyond 5am and ain had strained her muscles during her ubin cycle...bad start! but but but!!!! we thrashed the 1st two teams 7-0; 5-0 followed by a lost to SIM team JFC who had the legendary great wall of china, Jaime Cheong as their defender...4-3 wasted! but met JFC again during semis and their great wall of china left already so we thrashed them like 12-0!!!!! 12-0 WOW! got through to first and second placing and emerged second la..thanks to the ever so invincible skools 1789 who thrashed us 11-0!

WE GOT SECOND PLACING! OMG OMG OMG!! totally unexpected, especially for 3 walking zombies who managed to do the mind over matter thing and one super ain who can defend, can score, even though she's injured! WOW! we got $200 bucks and split up to get $50 each! WOW RIGHT? SAY WOW WITH ME....WOOOOWWW!! can't believe it mann! =D i'm totally elated because i've NEVER won a 3-on-3 competition in my life!

so with only 2 hours of sleep, i rushed back to hall in hope of just collapsing onto my bed but no..my body is being cruel..probably due to all those late nights the past few days of sleeping at 4am and waking at 1pm...i just CANNOT..CANNOT FALL ASLEEP AFTER 1 HOUR ON THE BED =( this is PURE TORTURE cos i'm so freakkkkinnnng tired...imagine sleeping 2 hours and then playing floorball from 9am-6pm IN THE FREAKING SUN!! ARGHS!

i think i'm turning insomniac. i got a good mind to go to the doctor's to get some pills to help me sleep. and i think i've been unconsciously putting my mind into a turmoil with unnecessary things. today was great, i had no thought of anything else but winning the matches..without my phone. without my belongings. nothing but me, floorball stick and waterbottle. i actually felt a sense of dread when the day ended and sheryl returned me my stuff from her car..

guess it felt good not having to care about anything. not wondering when the next message or call will come in as i constantly do. it felt good knowing that there's nothing to look forward to or hope for. i think i'm beginning to learn what is good for me and i hope i don't lose this sense of independence.

as with reading Waiting for Godot, the futility of waiting is such a dreaded chore. i hate any form of waiting, be it waiting for the bus to come, waiting for the train, waiting for the car to pick me up, waiting for someone who's late, waiting...i hate waiting.....i think i'm a really impatient person..one of my most common phrases is "i can't wait to....!!"

and now,
i can't wait to fall asleep =(

Another dedication, just for you boxbox!

folks, be patient..watch till the end..you'll be rewarded with 10 minutes of laughter!

WAHAHAHAHA!

TGIF

a surprise pleasantly sprung upon me..=D fridays are always good. hopefully. it's hard to imagine what a nice little dinner can do to me...

been hooked on pet society which is a really bad, thanks to pris-ee and her orange-ee who asked me how to clean up her pet which resulted in me wanting to try it out because i was wondering how hard it is to just clean up the pet??? it's actually really easy so i don't know why orange-ee's owner couldn't figure it out...heh. i'm currently on level 9!

monday's liberation day and i can't wait. i can't wait i can't wait i can't wait. did i mention that i can't wait??!?!?!?!?!

this weekend will be hard to bear but i will remember those words that i turned to. and if all else fails, i can always feign ignorance, though i really would like to shove a corn up someone's ass. HAH.

whatever whatever whatever...i hope these 3 weeks will be over in a flash and i hope the next few weeks to come will never repeat these 3 weekends =(

okay, some stupid blabbering at 4.44am exactly as i look at the clock now..what a dreadful timing to be awake and sulking..

but no, it was indeed quite a pleasant day..shall not let thoughts ruin my good day and night.

i turn to you, the Bible

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.

For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed.

"Do not fear what they fear, do not be frightened."

you've condemned me, but the world has condemned you. what makes you, better than me? nothing.

"The Gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back on its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labour." -The Myth of Sisyphus (1942)

it speaks of how futile efforts spent and hopelessness is the most dreadul punishment, worse than any other kind. and indeed it is true. which brings my plan Adopt Another Attitude to action because as i quote try as i might to make everything better, it just doesn't work anymore unquote.

do you realise how beautiful literature is? even through the study of the Theatre of Absurd i find a quote that rings so true in our era and that quote was written 56 years ago.

the worst feeling to get when you've spent endless efforts is knowing that your efforts are worthless and hopeless just like the condemnation of Sisyphus of which he has to ceaselessly roll a huge rock up a mountain and let it fall back on its own weight and push it up again and repeat this motion over and over again.

i realise now it's not an effort. it's not helping. it is a punishment like what The Myth speaks about. so yet again, i must AAA.

circumstances may punish you, they may try to make you suffer. the devil is always in every single soul trying to show itself stronger than the kindness each is born with. and because some succumb to the devil does not mean i have to suffer. the facades of the faces will show themselves, if not sooner, then later. but they will show.

but in the meantime, i will not be condemned like Sisyphus. i will not suffer the futility of pushing the bloody rock up the mountain only to let it fall back down again and again. AAA.

truth is, i blamed myself. that i was too lousy. that i was really that bad a girl. that because of all that i am i'm being ostracised. but hey. today i realised i am not. I AM NOT! say my name and the bias one will speak ill of me a million times worse than what i really am. say my name and those who follow and worship the devilish one will speak ill of me a million times worse than what i really am. but say the devil's name and watch those who have not heard a single word about the filthiness of it cringe and turn away. the devil has shown itself even to strangers and to innocence. say my name to the strangers and watch them smile.

the one who speaks a million ill things about me will someday realise, she is not even an inch in my very league.

如果没有你 没有过去 我不会有伤心

hey我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里

hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪 没适当的表情
最想说的话我该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你

如果没有你
没有过去 我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你

如果没有你
我在哪里 又有什么可惜
反正一切来不及
反正没有了自已

hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪 没适当的表情
最想说的话我应该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你

你怎么说我怎么做
这样子够不够

你看不到我的双手在痛苦得颤抖
你听不到我的内心碎得我都不敢碰

你想不到我的沉默
压抑着多少话要说
爱不能有
泪不能流
你叫我这种日子怎么过

adopt another attitude (AAA)

why do we spend precious sleeping time thinking about unpleasant things and not being able to fall asleep? why yearn for things that will never happen? why indulge in wishful thinking and fall into a deep black hole that you can't climb out of? why do we always give so much and ask for so much in return? it's time to adopt another attitude.

life is too short, isn't it? i may walk down the streets tomorrow and a car may come by and bang the life out of me. or lightning may strike a tree down that may strike me and take my life away. or lightning may even strike right at me. and i'll die with regrets that i'd screwed up my life yesterday.

there're some things that you wish to be everything to and that they're everything to you, but no. you realise that it's a one way street. what do you do? i indulge in wishful thinking and yearnings and spend precious sleeping time being awake. but no. i must adopt another attitude. (aaa).

make it so that nothing will make me unhappy anymore. that i can walk away without a care in the world. make it so that nothing is everything to me. that i can still feel happy without anything and anyone around me. make it so that the walls are strong and high up around me. that nothing can come and break down my defences. make it so that all these thoughts will die and can never be revived again.

if i could start all over again, i will choose differently. because try as i might to make everything better, it just doesn't work anymore.

adopt another attitude. build bigger boulders. go. going. gone.

i'm trying my best to understand...and it doesn't help when all i get is silence. it's hard to understand many things that go through someone else's mind and even it's being explained, it can still not be understood..yet, it'd at least feel more justified. even if i don't understand, i can still accept things easier.

because i really don't understand why.

sigh. i'm talking to myself again and it doesn't help. so what? so what?

trying very very very hard to keep my emotions in check. as i try to grapple with the things i don't understand and find so hard to accept.

i hate to sleep and dream of things that either arises out of my fears and are so exaggerated...or dreams that arise out of my hopes...that are also just wishful thinking. why can't my dreams be real? oh because then it won't be called dreams. oh well.

continue building castles in the air...as i try to put off sleeping.

fidelity?

everyday i feel a little bit of this and that.

you know somtimes i feel like i'm such a lousy person that it's a chore to be around me...

i've the urge to go to ______.

examophobia

i'm examophobic =(

the most hilarious looking dog ever! and this breed is called the little lion dog! HAHHA wtf! if i see it i will think it's a lion lor! HAHAHAHA WTF WTF WTF i can't get
over it.. its soooo cute and funny!!!! =DDD

anw, been reading blogs of mums who blog about their babies...and it got me thinking about how the whole stage of learning how to roll over, sit up, crawl, walk and finally run is just like the many things we learn in life.

we start learning alot of things from scratch and when you look at your learning process, how many of them are filled with positivity and encouragements? a baby's first step to learning is always so desirably cute. even his/her mistakes are cute. when they make a wrong step and fall down, the first thing they do is look up at you. some babies cry when they see your reaction. others smile and laugh...how we do in the later part of our lives rely alot on how we're being brought up...

babies learn to finally walk and run with the endless encouragements of their parents and all their loved ones. even strangers encourage them or take the time to smile at them. yet...in the later part of a baby's life, he faces so many difficulties, sometimes simply because he isn't given enough time to prove that he can succeed in walking and even running...more often than not, we're frowned upon at our slightest mistakes...one wrong step can prove to ruin everything...sometimes it's good to think back on how we're all natural learners and if given the chance and good support, we can all go somewhere.

here's a video on a cute little baby learning how to walk and smiling when she falls down:




your support is what gets me through the end of the day...when things go wrong and when everything seems bleak...you're the pillar of strength i always want to turn to...when i fall down flat and look up to see your smile, i smile and pick myself up again. that's how important you are to my life, my journey and my every waking day.

i deliberately ignored someone i loved hoping that perhaps it'll be better that way, yet it hurt me more than anything. i'm being stupid.

these days are lonely with people around me hit with the studying fever. nobody's really around. it's hard to find good company. i should be studying, i know but there are times you just wish for someone to be around. it's hard keeping silent the entire day.

this is such a gruelling period of time. next semester will be better. i'll be more on task and slack less. will i?

it's easy to give up on things halfway. more often than not, it's easier to give up than to persevere. but when you look back and think about it, isn't it such a waste. something that you've put in so much effort, time and emotions into just gone like that? but at the wrong moments and when everything comes crashing down on you, you can't find anything to cling onto, you'll think of the bleak things. the devil is ever ready to make you give up and let go.

nothing ever comes easy. and i've been trying too hard. need a break sometimes...

back to those books. and another new colour on my hair tonight. two weeks ago i bleached my hair and had pink streaks. then it faded to an ugly bleached colour. one week ago i cut my hair short, much shorter than before. and today i'm gonna do another round of highlights..hope it turns out nice...=D

looking up, i think the weather's changing for the better, metaphorically wise. little miss sunshine is peeking out of her shelter again...she will be able to shine when mr sun is by her side...

this journey is filled with so many obstacles that try to trip me...i falter sometimes but with your strength i can stand up and walk by you again...there're too many confusion and dilemmas that i face and no matter what happens, i only know that if you're strong by my side, i will be stronger too...

我真的该坚强了
真的该独立了
等候太痛苦了
多言变默默无言
没法敞开胸怀了
避风港没了
想得太多
说得太少
坚持到底
但已到了低限

我该学会了
独立了
坚强了
那就不需避风
也不需多言

独立了
坚强了

走到尽头了

one by one, people have been asking for this new blog address. no way am i gonna give it to them. especially those nosey parkers! but then again, it is hard to write what i really want to write anymore because there are way too many consequences to think of. and things way beyond my grip that i can't agree with but there's nothing i can do but take it with silence. perhaps it's my own choice that leads to this and there's nothing i can do about it unless i choose otherwise.

it's okay, life is uh okay. yeah it's always okay now. just okay. mundane even? yeah i guess. wonder if i made the right choice. haha. i for one cannot stay in a mundane life. but i'll try. am trying.

it's getting depressing but i shall not go there. the weather seems to be depressed too.

do you know the feeling of being ostracised? and knowing that even the ones you trusted the most is a part of it.

a sudden surge of feelings that i should know better than to write it down but i just need a little outlet.

i'm the greatest actress of all times. and i will learn to be better.

holding you, holding you, holding you tonight

Tonight
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you, I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

Time
i remember the day you said goodbye, something was calling you i could read it in your eyes. you told me that someday we'd meet again. but deep inside i always knew this was the end. i remember those words you claimed as i stood in the pouring and i'm sure my heart will never be the same.

so many songs. so much emotions. listening to those classic melodies. tunes that move along with time and never grow old. as times change, our lands lose their rural charm and technology takes over our lives, people adapt and they change with time. yet. love is as old as it's new. every song, speaks volumes of the lives people used to lead. and they still tell of our lives like it's just yesterday.

everything's fine. everything's good. so why do i feel like there's something missing, something missing, something missing in my life? there are times i feel like a trapped little bird. the world's a huge expanse of endlessness. yet i'm a little bird trapped in my little cage. set me free.

there's so much more to life than this little cage. when will i discover those beautiful oceans and exotic seas?

it's stifling. the expectations of our over-modernised society is stifling. breathe. we all need to remember to breathe lest we die a premature death.

the worst thing to feel along the way is fear. the fear of failing. by having this fear. you have already failed. have i?

do you ever look to the future? what do you see?

The way you look tonight
There was a time
I was everything and nothing all in one
When you found me
I was feeling like a cloud across the sun

But in the moonlight
You just shine like a beacon on the bay

goodbye to you my trusted friend
we've known each other since we were nine or ten
together we climbed hills and trees
learned the love and abcs
skinned our hearts and skinned our knees

goodbye my friend
it's hard to die

i often ask myself questions. they may be directly related to myself or they could also be indirectly related to me and the things around me. do we seek answers to our questions? sometimes we do. often we don't. we like to ask. but we don't like to know the answer.

are you happy?

often times when we ask a loaded question, it comes back with a loaded answer. some answers are partial, some are superficial, some are hollow, others are lies. what do we do with those answers anyway. actually when we ask ourselves questions regarding certain issues, what we seek isn't the answers. it is the solution. and more often than not, if we resort to asking ourselves questions, we can't find any solution or that the solution cannot be worked out or that it takes more than anything to work it out.

what am i talking about? it's 2am and i'm hell tired.

there have been insecurities over a few words, fear over some actions. and it takes so much more to tear down the wall that has been built up higher and higher around me.

as you experience more and more in life, you realise how fragile your heart can be and you just wish you could hold it in your own hands but most of the time it's your own hands you can't trust.

it's reaching midweek of a nightmarish week and it's not even really started yet.

we'll get there.

thoughts on love

it all starts with a little saccharine feeling in your heart and it creeps up and warms you up more and more. eye contact. slowly but surely you feel more attached. and then you start to hold hands. share a first kiss. have conversations that dwells on the future. a future. you become closer than friends. and even closer so.

and if it were a straight relationship, the courtship ends in a relationship. some are short, some are longer. some can't wait to get married. others wait a little longer. and then it comes to marriage. giving your life to someone and knowing that this counts to something bigger than life. you go on a honeymoon together. there's an end to the courtship and boyfriendgirlfriendship. you're no longer a dating couple. it's a new beginning. a honeymoon period begins again.

and then it's time to have kids. you're right at the beginning together again. starting something new. and your kids grow older. and you begin another something together. and then they grow old and support you. you begin another honeymoon period together. sharing a blissful dependent life now. and you grow old together.

a cycle. repetitions of new beginnings.

so in a gay relationship. it begins on a friendship to a courtship to a relationship. and then. what happens? how do you stay together when it gets older and rusty? what new beginnings are you going to share? or do you slowly drift apart?

coke at 1am in the morning. cravings. bliss. coke is the new redbull, it gives you wings. huge wings that make you fly. i love coke. i can't live without coke. it's like a drug.

i really really dread exams. this is the period of time where mild regrets set in as i remember the times i slack and miss classes or sleep in class, not listening. and now i have so much to catch up on. and then the mildness becomes greater and greater and i become depressed because i think i'm such an idiot to be such a slacker. i hate exams. give me assignments x 99 anytime and i rather do 100 essays than do an exam. seriously. i do better in assignments. exams are for people who have good brains to absorb things like sponge. not me. i'm smart. i don't need to memorise HAHAHA.

rants at 1.30am. i'm lookin at my "waiting for godot" notes at this moment and gulping down a red can of coke. wooohooo...love coke. and i'm eating this rice cake thing that's filled with sticky honey and raisins..WOOHOO.. i duper love these orbit rice cakes shit. haha. i'm an orbit person.

sigggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...actually i'm really afraid of examinations. it's the one greatest fear in my life. i hated it during Os cos i thought i'd fail and do badly and be malu-ated all my life but i got through it...den came stupid JC exams which i hated to the core. can anyone pls give me a good reason why we must study those cheeeem jc maths and cheeeem chemistry (oso don wanna be chemist) and cheeeeem geography (so boliao study how the sand become rocks i dont like la boring all these take millions of years lor walaoooo) and i loved econs but i did the worst in it...just like how i loved lit in cedar but did worst in it for Os and spoilt my straight As. HAHA. wtf. i have no potential to do the things i love but i just love to do them and that's why i'm doing lit in uni and i hope i don't fail HAHA..

OK CAN U TELL I'M DAMN FREAKING PISSED OFF BY MY NOTES AND I HATE STUDYING AND I WANNA PULL ALL MY HAIR OUT NOW?? =( SOBSSSS!!

wake me up...when november endssss....

i HATE road bullies. this @#$#%^$%^$#@$@$! uncle accused my dad of causing a dent in his car at the carpark and claimed that his wife saw it and sat there and waited for us to come back...FCUKKKKK! hello..who in the right mind would be SOOOO bloody nice to sit there and witness someone dent your car and still wait for you to finish your dinner b4 they approach you huh?!

AND! he said we left blue paint on his mirror when our car door CAN'T EVEN MEET HIS MIRROR. no contact. and the dent...can only be caused if we force the door past the lower part of his car and would have caused a MUCH bigger dent first before that..and the wife claimed that she heard a LOUD BANG!

i told her..a LOUD BANG would not cause a SMALL DENT hellooo wake up your idea! neh neh pok.!!!

seriously i got so pissed that i whipped out my camera and on the video mode and just in time caught his shouting at me SHUT UP I TELL YOU...YOU SHUT UP! den i said now you're shoutin at me and i filmed it down..he said..SO WHAT I CAN SHOUT AT YOU ALL I WANT I CAN SHOUT NOW! hahaha stupid.

den aft that he realised he lost cos i got video against him plus a passer by who witnessed for us captured in the video.. the passerby said that we can't have possibly left the paint on his car if our car cant even come into contact with his. and he faster drove off mumbling that he will get his insurance agent. stupid.

STUPID LOR! i can't believe it!!!

BLOODY SHIT! GUYS GUYS GUYS! GOOOO DIE!