nobody comes along without motive and nobody goes away without pain. we're like kites soaring in the air. sometimes its safer to be kept holed up in the storeroom than be brought out to seek the skies. how magnificent the kite is, yet how thin its string is. we try so hard to get it going, to get it high up in the skies. yet the higher it flies, the more afraid we get of losing it. we pray for the winds to carry it up but when it's high up and the wind howls, the string tauts and breaks lose. and we're back at one. with nothing at all left.

if the string snaps and the kite disappears into the blue skies, i seek comfort in it soaring to a better place. somewhere high above the clouds. i could pretend to think of the best places that my little kite could fly to....but, the saddest thing to happen is when the kite catches on a tree and the string snaps. there's nothing you can do but watch sadly as it flaps in the wind but you can never have it back again.

so maybe we should all keep our kites neatly folded and hidden in the deepest corners of our hearts.

sometimes the road is so smooth and unwinding that it gets mundane. when we chance upon a black hole, we jump into it without thought, without knowing, without consequence. a deviation from ordinary. we struggle to climb up but we struggle more within ourselves. we struggle with the dilemma of resuming the long unwinding road or staying in a shithole that we don't usually get every day.

let me struggle abit more. for amidst all the struggles i think my shrouded eyes are beginning to clear. the vision of the road ahead seems a little better and a little clearer.

like quicksand, the more i struggle, the deeper i fall.

it's time to be calm. stay calm. and climb out of it.

of the things that matter and those that don't. of the things you think matter and the things you think are worthless. when together is apart and apart is together. when your thoughts are blown away each time they surface. blown to the back of your mind. it's not on the surface but it's there. always there.

what could have been would have been should have been. shattered and ruined. because i held it in my hands and it was too fragile. i crushed it with my bare hands. i crushed it all. a haven that once held a longing. a happy bubble that has burst. someone somewhere who understood. who laughed and who could think of the things i'd like to say without actually saying them. two of them. three of them. a group of them. at the brink of disappearing. now.

life is hard to understand. today and tomorrow. nothing ever stays the same.

你总说时间还很多
你可以等我
以前我不懂得
未必明天就有以后

we gain some we lose some. but i never thought i'd lose you. have i? don't go. stay. do you remember?

hey我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里

hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪 没适当的表情
最想说的话我该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你

如果没有你
没有过去 我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你

如果没有你
我在哪里 又有什么可惜
反正一切来不及
反正没有了自已

sinner

This ain't the kind of affair to make you dance about
But there's something to say for the things
You wouldn't regularly let out
At least this chase makes you feel new

She holds a key
Tight in her hand
Clutching his neck
She is breaking the man
Listen you sinner
I'm sinning too
Just wait until the darkness falls
So I can sin with you

taken from sheryl's blog...

Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was. Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away in between the seconds of your life. If you don't stop for a minute, you might miss it.

I wanted to freeze time. I wanted to savor that moment, to live in that moment for a week. But I couldn't stop it, only slow it. And before I knew it, she was gone. After the door closed I felt like the last person on Earth.

The bad news is that time flies.

The good news... is that you're the pilot.

it's been a long week. a week that i feel strangely detached. i feel distant from many things and places and people. but most of all i feel detached from myself. it is as if i'm not existing and my shell has been taken over by someone else. but i know it's still me.

what has taken over me i don't know. what came over me i really don't know. and now i still don't even know what is going through my mind, my soul, my heart. it is like there's something trying to break through. or has it been breaking or has it always been there.

fragmented bits floating about. i should reach out and touch them. feel them. remember. recall. piece them together. but the pieces don't fit. i think there're more than just one puzzle. who am i. am i part of it? deliriously counting. thinking. wanting. pushing away. coming and going.

and the picture and the image and the photograph that's etched in my head. fading. unfaded. faded. unfading. falter. faltering. who what where how? now.

and the pieces that fit they seem far away. but near enough. a mirage that will disappear and may never show its face again.

i think i'm thinking not. there are unknowns. uncertainties, struggles. pain. and hurt. happiness. surrounding us. me. happiness is it only short-lived?

at the end of the day it's still me myself and i.

当你

当你的眼睛眯着笑
当你喝可乐当你吵
我想对你好
你从来不知道
想你想你
也能成为嗜好

当你说今天的烦恼
当你说夜深你睡不着
我想对你说
却害怕都说错
好喜欢你
知不知道

the stars are calling out to me tonight

today i realised that although i may not have many privileges that others get to enjoy as though it's a basic necessity, i'm still very lucky. i'm lucky because i managed to understand the underlying reasons behind not getting some things that others take for granted. i'm lucky because though i took the road less travelled, i still managed to end up where many have not and would wish to end up at. i'm lucky because after all the obstacles that we have been through, we still are here for each other and have become stronger.

i'm lucky because all these turning points in life has led me to reach a point in my life where i feel fortunate. to play for a team who are just really a team. to have met people who have made life in hall very enjoyable and happy. people who appreciate my presence and that i feel good to be with.

i think the starry skies and chilling wind had a great effect on me. and of course the very good company that i had. i suddenly feel like i'm the most fortunate person in the whole wide world.

thank you dear girls for this beautiful night. =D

disappointed.

when you have expectations, you face disappointment. is it better to stop expecting anything? perhaps.

when you keep telling yourself to be more careful knowing how fragile you can be, but your mind succumbs to your heart and you give more than what your mind tells you to, you tend to lose out in the end.

the same cycle. repetition. vicious. scary. painful. hurtful. agonising. irritating. heart wrenching.

those words are the hardest to swallow and they refuse to digest.

so much for thinking 2009 is off to a superb start and shedding that heavy weight off my shoulders. the weight seemed to have quadrupled instantly. i should never have let myself become so defenseless like this.

and i hate to leave things hanging. i hate not knowing the answers. i hate waiting. and right now, i think i must be stupidly awake because i know the answers will not come.

in the deepest corners of my heart, there lie untold thoughts. like when i was inside and they were out there cheering and smiling on, i wish i was out there with them. a sudden rush of emotions that made me realise how much i missed being around them. and how much i still want to be a part of them. and how my heart has not moved on fully into the brand new environment. i guess it can never fully.

it is heartening to hear my name being called and cheered upon. and those hugs meant so much to me. it's like the support could move mountains. and for me, it moved my heart.

it is hard to imagine the way i feel today if you've moved away already. or if you're still a part of them. because you can never truly feel it the way i do, until you're standing in my shoes.

how i wish time would stop at the very hour of our exhilaration. how i wish time could reverse sometimes. but time waits for no man and here i am...

when you've belonged once to an exclusive group of wonderful people, you'll realise how you can never leave them. even if you're physically gone, a part of you never goes.

once a wolf, always a wolf.

don't lose your way
with each passing day
you've come so far
don't throw it away

live believing
dreams are for weaving
wonders are waiting to start
live your story
faith hope and glory
hold to the truth in your heart

if we hold on together
i know our dreams will never die
dreams see us through to forever
where clouds roll by
for you and i

难过是因为闷了很久
是因为想得太多
是心里起了作用

guess i'm just a dreamer at heart. someone who can't deal with boredom. i hate being alone. a dreamer who just likes having fun. too much fun to handle. someone who simply loves having special occasions memorably special. guess i'm a vagabond at heart. unable to settle. unable to be still. embraces change and excitement. life needs to be spiced up and constantly changing.

maybe i'd thought too much about it. been looking forward so much for 2008 to end that when it comes, it just wham, happens and it's kinda overrated. like you know, you're riding the waves but they're so small and before you know it, the water is calm again and there's no climax. no heightened moment.

2008 isn't all that bad but it's one of the worst years ever. most of everything just doesn't seem to go right. so i guess i'm so glad it's over. 2008 begun rather badly and i guess as anti-climax and bored 2009 has been welcomed, it's still better than last year so i guess it's something to feel happy about huh?

to the people i've met in 2008 and all those who've been there for me through my ups and downs, thank you for being there. to those who've made life a little less easy for me, i hope you either disappear from my life or just hope things get better.

may 2009 bring many memorable good memories and hope it passes in a flash because i want to finish uni quickly...

think 2010's new year will be better...it can only get better, right?