i don't get it. when you're probably one of the main causes of a bad history for somebody and yet you can hang around and ask someone to not let history repeat itself and write their own history. it's precisely buggers like you who bring people with such gentle minds down upon themselves. you indulge in your selfish desires, be it a materialistic one or a really superficial kind of enjoyment that only people like you can follow through with without it bugging your consciences. you know, karma really exists?

there's nothing i can say nothing i can do nothing to make you feel any better. i know. i have broken the biggest and warmest heart that has pledged itself to beat for me, day and night. reason being? i was tired of repetition. repetition of faults and pain and hurt and the same old nightmares haunting me even when i shut my eyes for forty winks. nightmares. sounds puny and silly to you doesn't it? you don't understand. you don't understand what these people have done to me. to us. to you. the inflicted wounds never fully heal and they are being wounded, again and again. and i cannot i just cannot go through all of it again.

being sorry is an understatement. pain is a permanently subdued devil. it exists. all the time. but it takes the form of an angel. i am happy. yes i am. i am sad. yes i am. i hurt. yes i do. do you know you can actually feel all these emotions at once?

you've been the best. i can't ask for more. circumstances strapped us to a roller coaster ride which i cannot take. i don't have the guts and the stomach for it. i tried. there were side effects. i kept trying. but i keep throwing up. i can't take it anymore.

you were so good. you deserve the best. if you thought i was the best, i am sorry, this is perhaps reason to tell you that maybe i am not. maybe i am not as good as you always thought i was. maybe deep down inside i have never really dared to love you fully because i tried once, twice, thrice before and it has hurt too damn badly.

i miss you. i do. but there are certain things that we can only miss and always miss but they can never come back to us again.

if you think i didn't try hard enough, let me tell you, i tried too hard. if you think i lied to you, let me tell you, i lied to myself too much. if you think that whatever happened was because i was weak, let me tell you, i've never been stronger and i will never let myself stoop to such a weak level to be at the mercy of those demonic friends ever again. i have learnt too harshly a lesson and the price has been paid. i am sorry.

you once said that they are lousy friends. i wonder if you'd be strong enough to kick your lousy friends away and be true to yourself. know who your true friends are. know how much others care for you.

and i will always care for you the way i always did. if you can only turn around and look past the commitment that bound us. we shared so much. we know each other so well, do you really want to watch it all go down the drain?

take care, i will always be here.