Odour of Chrysanthemums

this is my last resort.

i never wished to privatise my blog. it is in fact, against my better wishes. i finally understand why people start doing this. even the best people in my life, the nicest ones who always gave their best to people and thought the nicest things of people who hurt them start to privatise their blogs. they start to keep their lives private. i finally understand why.

the world has evolved so fast. perhaps to people in our generation or a tight age group understand this fundamental need of blogging. how in our era emotions are strung high and we have been taught to have a voice. a voice that represents our right. even if its against the majority. we need to have a voice. yet we fail to realise that just a few years before us, they probably were taught to keep their mouths shut.

everything that i type on my blog is so serious in their eyes. even a casual remark become an accusation. while we've failed to realise the seriousness of what we've been typing about, they have failed to realise how we need this as an outlet. our lives are different from them. we live in an era that we cannot afford to make mistakes. we have to be good at everything. we have to be good at things we don't want to be good at. and we really really need an outlet.

our words don't seek to hurt anyone. neither do they seek to blame or threaten anyone. more often than not, the action of typing here makes us feel so much better. we could have felt like committing murder just awhile ago but after typing, we feel like we can move on. and yet, we cannot even have the freedom of typing anything down without thinking about how it will make us seem like idiots and that we're self piteous fools. we are not. but people judge us. because they read without a heart that understands.

i feel so upset now because i'm leaving the blog that held so much memories for me. it is like trying to leave a part of my life behind. but i know i will get over it.

i tried to be the best but i did it the wrong way. i realised my mistakes and i'm trying to do it the right way now. yet i'm judged for it. i can't even blog about my struggles.

you know how precious those bloggings are..when i look back and learn about how i struggled through difficult times and come out stronger? no, they don't know. they think we're angsty kids trying to kick up a great big fuss. but we always blog about it and vent it all out and we move on and learn. yet they don't see it. they only see what we do in that very moment. we're encased with our words. because they don't see our learning process. they only see that we're wrong. we're wrong. we're wrong.

we're honest about our feelings. is that wrong?

and after all, this has not the slightest thing to do with them at all. yet we're judged. just because we blog about it. they read it. and it becomes their problem. it's not. it really is not. it's my problem. my own problem. please, leave me alone.

i can't blame them. they're brought up to be like that. but they can't blame us. we're brought up like this.

so from now on, whoever reads here, please remember, you're reading this because you're my friend. because i know you understand. because i know you won't judge me. and if you do, please self-censor, self-exuent, do whatever you wanna do, but don't read anymore. if it affects you into any action or feel that you're obliged to do anything to me, against me, for me. don't do it. because i don't need it.

thank you very much.