you know, nowadays it's just difficult to find the words to say. maybe it just gets harder and harder, to find the right words, sift out the bad ones and forget the wrong ones. there've been times that i started typing a little here and there on this little space of mine and i stopped, backspaced everything and face the void again.
what's there to say anyway? when words are lost midway into the abyss of thoughts. thoughts that threaten to consume me. eat away at me bit by bit until i'm finished. and by the time i jolt out of that state of consciousness, i no longer know what to say. bit by bit i forget what i wanted to say in the first place. what's the point of saying anything. what's the point anyway?
and here i am with my pocky-flavoured breath, wondering if there's anything to look forward to tomorrow. it's good friday. yeah. tgif. but. what's so good about it anyway? what's so good about it? i have no more pocky left to get me through the night.
i can't wait to get this over and done with. i hate to study for the sake of exams. i hate to read for the sake of knowing them only to regurgitate them. but i kinda enjoy what i am doing because they speak volumes of my mind my heart my soul my consciousness the existence of my being the very reason why i am even borne into this world.
but i hate it because exams are looming.
and i retreat back into my lifeless shell. where nothing. nothing can move me to say anything. where no one. no one can throw any weight onto my shoulders. where there's nothing. nothing at all. a solitude that welcomes me with the widest of open arms.
because i am too afraid of unwelcome solitude.
because i am too afraid to fall or fail.
because i am too afraid to lose sight of the shore and seek greater oceans.
because tonight will be the night
that i will fall for you
over again
don't make me change my mind
or i won't live to see another day
i swear it's true
it's impossible to find.
could it be that we have been this way before...
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