when you have too much, you will also lose too much. when you have nothing at all, you have nothing to lose. better to have nothing at all then ain't it?

heart's been heavy all day. and there's a nagging anger i feel simmering inside of me. i honestly have no idea at all what the anger is about. i feel angry at everything. till there seems to be no logical explanation. the feeling is like a flash of red that i find myself breathing hard to control lest i lash out at something or someone. almost physically violent.

i know it isn't healthy. guess nothing really helps anymore.

i saw that flash of red during the match against young flamingoes and it's really scary. i didn't even know what made me lose my cool and so violently fling the stick away from the goal. i was angry that they scored first when they played so badly. i was angry that we all marked our players but they still scored. i was angry that they had no angle to shoot and our goalie was already at her post and they still scored. and i was angry that they are going to have another chance to score then and i lost my cool.

i think i need tranquilizers or something. i feel a steam rising from within and these bouts of downs and anger seem harder and harder to control.

today i fell in love with a puppy and how i wish she was going to become mine. but i realised today how i am not in control of my life. how i can't have what i really wish to have. how circumstances have made me live a life that could have been far better. and it scares me how this situation will always remain this way. it might never change. i will never have what i really wish for or want.

how scary is that.

and i still feel the bouts of anger rushing about inside of me.