i had an inkling of how it feels like to truly be lonely today. and maybe it's not that bad to be alone. there was a kind of sensation that rose out from beneath, from the heart i guess. am i a poet or just a builder of castles in the air? because i feel deeply the emotions of things that hadn't happened before or just haven't happened yet, as long as i think about it.

it's like i want a kind of release. from what i don't really know. from pain perhaps but what is pain but happiness filled with guilt. from happiness perhaps. released of happiness to be released of pain.

the pain of a heartbreak may ache so badly it feels like a heart being pierced by a dagger. but the pain that i feel is dull, it moves about and it travels. it's kind of like poking a very small syringe through, you can barely feel it but the entry is painful. then it begins to tingle and numbs and you feel as though water is going through you bloodstream. just as it begins to feel cooling and good, you begin to come out of the numbness and feel that ache shooting through you. you begin to dread the exit of the needle, wishing that it will stay where it is, inside you. so that the pain will not shoot through you again. seeking comfort in that momentary numbness or stillness of pain. but whatever comes will go somehow. and the needle exits you and the pain and nausea you feel cannot be described.

i feel a little sad tonight. so what? i feel the adrenaline rush after a game of netball. so what? i feel like letting the tears go after watching a particularly moving episode on dvd. so what? i feel all these things but what i can't feel is the way love is supposed to feel like, anymore.

so what?

people live, but people die.